Lived Experience Forum

[613]

Hi all. I'd been using a youth mental health forum, but having recently turned twenty I thought this might be a good place to transition to. I hope that's okay. 

My story with mental illness started way back with a bunch of undiagnosed anxiety (generalised, social, OCD, you name it) stuff when I was a kid which kind of developed into other stuff as I got older. Right now nobody's quite sure exactly what's wrong with me. Major depression, they say tentatively. Social anxiety. I've been hospitalised a couple of times after suicide attempts. 

For the past couple of years I've been wondering whether I might have borderline personality disorder. I seem to fit a lot of the symptoms to a T, and using the old DSM 4 criteria I have 8/9 symptoms. Using the new DSM 5 I also fit the criteria. My gp also told me that I have 'borderline traits' recorded in my file. I'm more of a quiet or atypical borderline, though - petulant or discouraged subtype, maybe. 

I don't know whether to try and pursue a diagnosis, or where I would start. And anyway I've been told that 'everybody has borderline traits' and that I don't 'seem like I have bpd' so it could just be my anxiety making my brain make things up. 

I am also considering pursuing a diagnosis for autism spectrum disorder. Ever since I was 16 I realised that I had more autistic traits than most people, but nobody ever really believed me because I'm so high functioning, so I tried to shut up and not push it. 

I've been struggling lately with whether life is worth living. There are people in my life who I'd be sad to let down or hurt by dying. But honestly...I get so distressed every day. All of my coping mechanisms are so tired and uselss. Why should I stay, when dying would be so beautiful? 

Maybe this is unusual or wrong somehow, but having the correct diagnosis would make a big difference to me. My gp says I'm young and they don't want to stigmatise me by diagnosing me with anything else but I want to know why my brain is like this. I've never felt like I had a proper identity - I need a label to hold on to so I don't lose myself.

So that's me. I hope everyone is okay. I hope your days aren't too painful. I hope the voices are quiet. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @613, Welcome to Forum Land

I am a 40 year old woman with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and autism spectrum disorder (what would have formally been called Asperger's syndrome, but now is generally known as ASD).

I was diagnosed with BPD way back in 1996 when I was 18 years old. There is a LOT of stigma around the BPD diagnosis and thus many mental health professionals are reluctant to diagnose it. I believe it is also due to that stigma that the bazillion mental health professionals I saw missed the fact that I have ASD - they just kept shoving all my muddles under the label of BPD, even when that really didn't make sense.

I figured out for myself that I had ASD about three years ago, and went to an autism specialist clinic to get formally assessed. For me, getting the ASD diagnosis has been quite life changing. It has definitely helped me to understand my quirks better, and also people who understand ASD (or take the time to learn) seem to be much more tolerant of my quirks than was the case when I was just viewed as having BPD.

Since getting the ASD diagnosis, I have learnt that there are a LOT of women out there who get given a whole shopping list of different psychiatric labels before finally being correctly diagnosed with ASD. In my own case, the dual diagnosis fits best, but I've read of a lot of women being misdiagnosed with BPD when in fact they had ASD.

Most mental health professionals know very little about ASD. Thus if you wanted to pursue a diagnosis, I would definitely recommend hunting out someone who specializes in it.

Anyway, welcome again to Forum Land. I super hope you can feel supported here. Oh and by the way, if you want to "tag" someone so that they get notified of your response to them, you need to put an @ sign in front of their name. So, for example, I am @Phoenix_Rising.

[Appleblossom]

Welcome to the forum @613 Hope you get ideas and support.

@outlander is about your age and might say hello, but she has a big morning coming up.

Typing "diagnosis" into the search box should bring up threads where people discuss their feelings about it.  I can see pros and cons.

I respect that your doctors are reluctant to fix a label onto you but want you to develop without one.

I have looked at the DSM and done self google diag nosing too ... but also know I may have traits not associated with a particlular MI.

You are YOU regardless, and I wish you best in the journey ...

[outlander]

Hi and welcome @613
Apple is right ive got a big morning ahead and im not really thinking straight but i will come back here. Phoenix_rising and appleblossom have give some good answers so far as well

[613]

Thank you so much everyone. I appreciate your kindness 

@Phoenix_Rising (is that how I tag?? 🙂 ) Thank you so much for sharing your story with me; I'm sorry to hear of your struggles with BPD, it is a really horrible illness. I'm glad that getting your ASD diagnosis helped you so much - I feel like getting a proper diagnosis might do something similar for me. 

@Appleblossom Thank you. I will have a look through the forums at some pros and cons. I like the message of you being 'you' regardless of illnesses or conditions - that's a lovely thought. 

@outlander I hope your big day goes well and isn't too stressful for you. I would love to chat to you sometime when you have the head space 🙂  

[outlander]

Of course 🙂 @613 just have a surgury today might be on later or tomorrow and we can catch up then 🙂

[outlander]

Hello @613

im 20 as well and have been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, comlex ptsd, anixety and depression. For me getting the diagnosis at first was really overwhelming (bpd was the worst and only recently) and took a while to sink in and accept however after that it became a relief because there was a name to what I called normal. Its taken me almost a year to finally become stable after like you hospital addmissions from one attempt but other admission for mental health so im hearing you and know where your coming from.

Ive found having the BPD diagnosis though answered a lot of what was going on for me and from here I was able to learn more about why I am the way I am and also work out which form of therapy is best suited to dealing with this disorder. I havent currently started DBT which is whats reccommended however im on a waiting list to do this as a group through my local mh team.

I understand that your gp and health professionals are hesitant to give you a label as its hard to just fit under one label. A lot of people dont like labels and would prefer to just get on with it bt I find them helpful in a way.

I would ask your psychiatrist, psychologist or gp to diagnose you and perform those mh questionaires if you really want the diagnosis. Tell them your thoughts as you have explained here.. let them know that its what you want and you think it would actually help you. This might get them to tell you.

I do have one thing however, and thats if you are diagnosed dont let the label define you. Just be you. Dont try and 'fit in' to that category. I think thats why a lot of health professionals dont like to diagnose as such because sometimes people like to self diagnose and then try to just live under the roof of the label. Does that make sense?

Happy to keep chatting with you 🙂