Lived Experience Forum

[kef]

Hi All, 

I have just joined the SANE forum. It's my first time actually participating in something like this.

I apologise in advance that this story is just a 'me' story and too long. However, I feel like I've been to hell and back and need to tell someone, actually anyone, who will listen and understand. It actually feels like I'm still in hell most days. My story touches on a number of issues- anxiety, depression, psychosis, medication, self harm, border line personality disorder and gender identity disorder. 

Mentall illness has been in my life for a long time but it wasn't until last year that things reached breaking point. Up until then, everything I had experienced had been put down to generalised anxiety disorder and depression. For seven years I was on a unique combination of medication and just assigned many of my life problems to this disorder. Everyday tasks seemed hard though and I knew life wasn't supposed to be like this. It just felt like something deeper was going on within me. I decided to try something different- coming off my medication. I thought it would help me work out what was really causing me so much grief. That's when everything changed. 

Withing six months of being weened off my medication, I was hit with a complete identity crisis. It felt like a volcano erupted and everything that had been laying dormant in my subconscious for a very long time started spilling out. A different person started to emerge. I didn't even know this other person existed and yet, in a strange way, it also made sense. I started realising that what I was facing was a gender identity disorder. At 32, I had never questioned my gender and now, I was being confronted with the realisation that all was not what it seemed. My mind went into complete turmoil trying to understand how I didn't know this was inside me. I went through the memories of my childhood, I analyzed everything in my life, I searched for answers. I suddenly felt the need to change my clothes, hair and general appearance. In a matter of weeks, everything I thought I knew about myself was slowly disappearing. I was terrified. It was all too much and I started experiencing psychosis. I was being plagued by obsessive, instrusive, distressing thoughts and voices in my head. I was suicidal and started self harming. I went to see my gp. Together we tried to find a new psychiatrist. This was actually a hard task and took months. I tried three different doctors all of who were booked or wouldn't take me on.  

I was now dealing with heightened anxiety, a newly discovered gender identity disorder,  depression and psychosis. In a desperate attempt for respite, I tried getting myself into a psychiatrict hospital but even that was unsuccessful.

I finally found a good psychiatrist who I am currently working with. Slowly we are trying to unpack everything that has happened and continues to cause distress, trauma, anxiety and panic. Receiving a disgnosis is taking time but Borderline Personality Disorder is probable. Surpressing your true identity since childhood is bound to have dire consequences. I having been taking medication for my psychosis, anxiety and depression and assume I will need intensive therapy once my diagnosis has been confirmed. Everyday is a complete struggle and my mind is in mayhem. I am trying to come to terms with my gender identity disorder but it's hard to do when mental illness is at the forefront. One positive is that my self harming has stopped.   

I still experience very distressing thoughts which make living and interacting hard. My medication continues to be tweeked which causes withdrawls. Hopefully I'm on a path to findind the right dosage. 

I was living in a shared house. I now live with my parents. I was working full time through out all this but gave this up and am currently a student. I can't imagine going back to 9-5. I used to go out with friends but now I find it really hard. I look different and act different and my mind in on mars. How can I go out and have a good time? 

Sometimes I think about how long it's going to take to recover from this and I feel like it's all too hard. I honestly don't know what the future holds for me. Everything has been turned upside down.

If there is anyone out there who has suddently been hit with something like this out of the blue and can offer any advice, I'd love to hear it. All I can do to get through each day right now is breathe.  

Thanks for listening, 

Kate 

[Former-Member]

Hi @kef

Welcome to the Forums, 

I havent experienced what you have, but I wanted to stop and say welcome. I think you are amazingly strong to have come so far, though I hear that it's still very hard for you and things are feeling so tough! 

I'm glad that you've found a supportive psychiatrist, its something that many people have described it taking a long time to find a 'good' one!

I hope that others come along soon with more specific experiences that relate to yours. I know in the past there have been members who have talked about thse types of things, and carers/parents of adult children who have experienced this as well, you're certainly not alone!

Take care,

lj

[utopia]

@kef. It sounds like a multitude of different issues all hit you at once. Such hard changes to deal with on their own, let alone together.
I'm not 100% sure exactly what gender identity disorder is. I have a family member born as one sex - that's what the doctor and family thought. But inside, even hormonally, was the opposite sex. He is now living a better life as a man. But he did always know that he didn't feel right as a girl growing up. Not sure if that is the same thing or different.
My personal view is that there are not just two sexes that exist. There are many different types of gender in this world. And none of them is wrong or bad or different. That is just your gender.
So regardless of whether this identity disorder is a mental illness or simply part of who you truly are - I genuinely hope you find peace with this.
Wishing you all the best with everything you are dealing with now.

[CherryBomb]

@utopia you might be interested to know that there is Topic Tuesday discussing gender and LGBTI issuess over here

[utopia]

Thank you. I'll click over now. I'm very interested @CherryBomb. Could you let Kef know as well?

[CherryBomb]

Hi @kef,

Welcome to the Forums. I must apologise that I didn't mention you in my post to @utopia. I thought I had but I didn't. You can view the conversation here. In that thread, there's some resources to support services, and there's also a discussion on how you might find people who have gone through similar experiences. Unfortunatley, I can't think of anyone on here who experienced gender identity disorder, but that's not to say that people on here can't provide you with support.

Can I ask if you have support? You mentioned that you have a good psychiatrist and you're living with your parents. How is your family and friends supporting you through this? 

[kef]

@utopia thanks so much for your message. It was actually very comforting to read, particularly the part about finding peace. Just reading those words helped me feel a little calmer so thank you. 

[kef]

thanks @CherryBomb. I've found I've had to go outside my family for support. They are fairly conservative. I tried talking to my sister once but she wasn't open to the gender issues so I haven't tried again. I have looked at joining some gender support groups which will help, but to be honest, it's been difficult trying to find the energy whilst dealing with psychosis and potentially borderline personality disorder. Thank for the link to the thread- I will have a look.

[Adge]

Hi @kef

I can relate to what you've said. In 2011 my gender identity was terribly shaken, after my SA was forcibly raised by a counsellor - only 3 or 4 months after the end of my marriage (whilst in grief).

I not only questioned my gender. I realised that I have always identified more strongly with the "opposite gender", & believed that is who (what) I always should have been.

I seriously looked at going through the gender transition process (the live as the other gender).

Although I was never formally diagnosed with gender identity disorder - my psychologist recognised that I had (& still have to some degree) the issues & struggles associated with it.

I have Complex PTSD, which was also diagnosed about 6 years ago.

It's taken me 6 years (since then) to begin to settle back into some sense of stable "self" again.

I'm thinking of you, & hoping that you receive the support that you need - I believe that you do deserve it.

Unfortunately I did not receive adequate, or any effective specialist support at that time, which is why it has taken so long for me to begin to put things back together.

Adge

[utopia]

@Adge @kef - the link @CherryBomb put on the earlier post also disguses Gender Identity Disorder. I raised this topic Kef after speaking to you. The response regarding this 'disorder' was very interesting. And I was referred to another link where I can look at this further.
I do know I spoke to someone on the forum this year about changing or 'fixing' their gender. But I can't remember who it was. If I remember their name, I'll tag them to your thread here. Or hopefully they will find your thread themselves. (My memory is not good at the moment).
I'm glad my words helped Kef. Just remember you are perfect how you are. Whatever genderyou identify with. You are still pperfect.