Lived Experience Forum

[BambiFawn]

I don't understand why my mother has been abusing me for years.  A mother is meant to be loving and protective, but mine has married 4 husbands by my age of just 18, and this was very unsettling and traumatic for me, and of course divorce and having 4 fathers and domestic violence in the home had a deleterious effect on us children.  

But even if my step-fathers were overly strict and occasionally violent, why did my mother start abusing me (once beat me up at 23) and then was verbally abusing me in episodes through the years.

My mother had such a cruel mouth and it seems to haunt me and make me cry on the inside and hear her voice in the tape of her verbal abuse.  Ouch!

Any ideas? Thanks kindly. Hugs 

[Zoe7]

Hi @BambiFawn Seems to me that your mother had her own insecurities and instead of protecting her children from them she used you as her scapegoat so she didn't have to deal with her own failings. 

We often see 'fathers' or males as the 'abusers' in families but society does not 'see' women as much when they do the same. It is, I believe, because they are 'supposed to be' the more natural nurtures of the sexes. This is definitely not always the case and it can be so difficult to resolve the mother you needed with the one you had when that abuse has been such a prominent part of your life.

Her failings are hers though @BambiFawn - they do not define you and infact you have managed to get where you are now 'despite' her. It takes enormous personal strength to do that but the 'daughter' inside you still wishes that she had had a mother that would have cared for her, protected her and nurtured her - and they are natural feelings to have.

I am so sorry you did not have any of that growing up (and later in life also) but she is the one losing out here @BambiFawn because she has destroyed that precious bond between a child and their parent and she is the one that should be haunted by what she has put you through.

[BambiFawn]

Dear beloved @Zoe7, you are so lovely and caring.  Thank you so much for explaining things to me, and for your caring words, love and support.  

I hallucinate over my mother's voice and tape of verbal abuse occasionally under stress or duress, and so she can haunt me.  As for my mother, she does not appear to have a conscience over her bad words to me.  She once told me, she says bad words when she is angry and she doesn't mean them.  But there is no plausible excuse for hurting someone and saying cruel and mean words to them.  I personally, could never hurt anyone with words, mainly because I am kind, gentle and Christian.  I'm not sure if my mother feels any remorse for what she has done to me.  She continues to lie and cover up, hiding behind a clever veneer and an air of professionalism.  I wonder why she gets her jollies from verbally abusing me.  To me somebody who abuses like this is a psychopath/ sociopath.  Unsure what a psychopath means exactly, but I thought it was someone who has no feelings.

Thanks for your wise counsel dear beautiful @Zoe7.  I appreciate any help and explanations you can kindly give me.

Your dear friend BambiFawn         with the nature of a Bambi Doe haha.

[Zoe7]

@BambiFawn Your mother probably doesn't know herself why she is so verbally abusive. It may be her own lack of self-esteem/self-awareness that she is projecting onto you. This does not in any way mean it is right to do so but it is very difficult (impossible)  to acknowledge a behaviour that you do not know even exists. The consequence then for others around her is that all her insecurities come out in offensive ways towards others rather than being turned inwards towards herself. This is also a coping mechanism when what one is feeling they do not understand or cannot comprehend.

I do know none of this changes the effect your mother's behaviour has upon you (and you should NOT be having to 'deal' with it at all) but it may be that your mother has developed these behaviours to protect herself from feeling the full effect of abuse directed towards her over time and has never had any 'help' in being able to deal with her own feelings and guilt around these parts of her life herself. The result being that she does not know how to 'behave' or redirect her anger in a more positive way.

[BambiFawn]

Hey dear @Zoe7, 

Thank you for your wise counsel here.

Yes you are right I should not be 'having to deal with it all.' For some silly reason, I've started thinking about her a little here and there everyday.  I probably should try not to ' re-visit' it/ her in my head, but I'm not a computer and I cannot just shut down, I'm a person with feelings.

I've had well meaning friends say ' Move on'.  But it's not as simple as that.  My mother's abuse has not just been historical, but i live and dynamic.  Ongoing and relentless.  Also I get flashbacks and hallucinate over her.  I think hallucinations are a safety valve in dealing with pressures in a pressure cooker environment. 

I know I should try not to think about her ever, but that is not possible, I'm only human after all.  I really should not give her the time of day.  Maybe someone who does not hallucinate can shut down more than someone who does. 

May God Bless you for all your help dear @Zoe7  ...Thanks for caring about me my dear friend., hugs 

[Zoe7]

@BambiFawn those that suggest that you should 'move on' do not understand the true impact of what you are dealing with. It is not a splinter that can be taken out and healed quickly - it is the whole tree (branches, leaves, roots and trunk). All parts are connected and thrive as long as the roots remain protected and nourished. This is the same with any trauma or abusive relationship. If the source of the trauma is continuing to be 'nourished' then it can never be resolved in oneself. In your case - your mother is continuing to 'nourish' the adverse feelings you have towards her by displaying the same behaviour repeatedly - therefore not 'allowing you' to break away and thrive on your own (metaphorically as well as literally). 

It is easy for someone who is not experiencing this kind of abuse to say move on, get over it, forget about it - but they are not in your shoes, they have not been 'worn down' bit by bit over time, they do not have the constant fear in the back of their minds as to when the abuse will be directed your way. 

I don't have hallucinations - so cannot imagine how hard that is for you - but I do have pretty constant flashbacks and I know that being in the middle of those is completely debilitating and beyond scary - so I can empathise with how very hard they are @BambiFawn 

[BambiFawn]

Thank you dear lovely @Zoe7, I cherish your words in my heart. 

I used to describe my mother's voice as child-parent tape, but actually the nursery words and in my case the ' nursery quarrel' seems to go on and on.  The parent-child voice i think is natural, but in my case it is  audible as an hallucination dear @Zoe7.

[patrickT]

Hi @BambiFawn,

To so many of us the most unnatural thing is an abusive parent,

We're raised on tropes on loving parents that we assume is a natural response for all child-parent relationships. We watch it on TV, movies...we see it through the relationships of our friends and family and for the mostpart kids experience this reality. Some people don't have it so lucky. 

Some parents are damaged in their own way and don't have the capacity to provide the same affection and love that is seen as commonplace. It's no fault of the child, it's just something that's been hindered in the process and somebody suffers unnecessarily. It's just a really lousy situation.

As much as anyone deserves the same love and appreciation as anyone else, they don't get it. All relationships are not established or maintained as equally and in many circumstances there is little to be done to correct the situation. If you feel like your relationship with your mother is damaging to your wellbeing it's the wisest decision to distance yourself from it as best as you can.

From my experience relating to people in similar circumstances you should personally learn from the frustrations and injustices that have been done to you and use them as a blueprint to guide how you want to establish relationships going forth. Be kind, be empathic and sympathetic and do good in the world. That's what I have done coming out of painful households. 

Your own world is only as good as you make it. If you can leave a painful household and spread good to the world then do so. At least you have the knowledge and emotional understanding of what it's like to be in a bad place and to have the strength of character to help others avoid said circumstances.

People who feel the worst can make others feel the best. Everyone who has been damaged by bad relationships can bring people out of bad places. Use your past as an advantage. Think outside of yourself but never stop focusing on how to help yourself. You're important outside of yourself. But first think of how to get better and never forget there are 100 million people that are dealing with the same pain. 

Lots of love,

Pat.

[BambiFawn]

Hey dear lovely @patrickT, 

Thanks a bunch of pale blue daisies for your kind and caring words.

Yes I agree loving others and helping others is really important.  Encouraging others and building them up in words as it says in the Bible, is really really important.  

As u said, I try to help others with my own personal experiences. 

Take good care dear beautiful Pat. Thank you for being a dear friend here.

Your friend, 

BambiFawn