Hi
I’ve logged into here today to share my story. Not all of it, but part of it.
I’m going to see a psychologist on Friday and feeling a bit anxious, as that means I’ve got open up and tell him things I’ve tried to keep hidden and secret for a very long time.
I’m in my late 30’s and I’m good at compartmentalising things or ‘flicking the switch’. The only problem, is that it sometimes comes back and it makes me self destructive, depressed and I hate myself after the fact. I sometimes feel like I’m watching myself self destruct from a distance.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I hate both my parents. I think the root of my issues is because of them. I have a sister who I love.
My parents had my sister and I at a young age. My mother was 18 and my father 21. My parents were Mormon but we weren’t overly active in our household.
My father used to abuse me as a child/ teenager e.g locked me outside when I wet the bed, poured cereal on my head, countless bruises and welts from his beltings as well as countless bashings. He used to call me pooftah, ugly, looser, etc etc. I’m going to open up more to the psychologist as some memories I don’t think I’m ready to write down on here.
My mother on the other hand was/is still crazy. My father used to bribe me with lollies and soft drink after he’d abuse me not to tell my mother. The few times I told her he’d hurt me, she’d give him the silent treatment for a few days and everything went back to normal. My mother left my father 3 times when we were growing up. We moved to Australia as she wanted a fresh start after he had an affair. She took him back after 1 x month being in Oz. It used to make me angry that my mother left my father, only because he was having affairs. She should of left him as he was hurting me. I remember my mother sitting me down as a child and telling me if I ever turned out gay she would commit suicide or disown me. She would do this all the time.
My sister was the golden child. She used to try and protect me or cry when my father used to hit me. I’m very close with my sister. She’s also damaged from our upbringing.
I was sad during my teens into my 20’s. I battled addictions( gambling, drugs, etc) My life was on a downward spiral. I managed to get myself back on track after I contracted Hep C and went through treatment.
I keep minimal contact with father( he usually texts wanting money) and I’m not speaking to my mother. They’re both still together and are still poisonous as ever.
Growing up in such a household Ive learnt how to lie, keep secrets, hide my true feelings as a coping mechanism. In adulthood, I am also doing the same things. It comes so naturally and easily.
Ive been with my partner 10 years this year. I think he saved me. Without him I think I would of been dead or committed suicide.
Our relationship is strong however I’m still not happy with myself. I don’t have good coping mechanisms in times of grief or will power for self control. I also have addictive tendencies. I’ve cut down drinking as sometimes the memories come back and I get out of control.
I need to get this sorted as it’s affecting my relationship with my partner. I feel I can’t open up 100% and I should be as we’ve been together 10 years. Something holds me back.
This is my story, thanks for listening.
