Lived Experience Forum

[Appleblossom]

My cats have owned me for years.

I hope I did not express that too strongly. I just feel for you @Former-Memberand thinking of ways that are effective to help. I know I couldnt cope with my neck in a house with teens.

[Former-Member]

@Appleblossom I think the thing that has happened is that I don't have a care coordinator. They wouldn't allocate me one because of the DPD saying it was someone else to become dependent on. Long story short there was much confusion in hospital as to who and how all this would be done. Today I got a phone call from community mental health team and she was just as confused and communication seems to be mixed up. They have made so many wrong assumptions about me. If it wasn't for my therapist who is private but charging me only what I can afford which isn't much I would have gone completely under. She will be seeing my kids out of the goodness of her heart as the mental health team couldn't come up with a plan but know my therapist is seeing me as her charity case so they play on that too. It makes me so mad and hurt. Before my therapist came back on board I had pretty much given up on living and was mixing cocktails to make me sleep 20 odd hours a day. I know she has shone new light on many occasions for me. I have begun to fight again more than not to live but I still get wobbly a fair bit.

[Appleblossom]

I thought that was probably the issue @Former-Member ... all these care teams ... can be .. too many cooks spoil the broth... tho I am sure some are effective too.

Take good care of you ... you are giving teens a home & a hearth, & a hub even if you are not always on top of it.

Mothers shouldnt be expected to be on top of it all 24/7.

That is one reason why I think being able to post things out on the internet .. can be a learning experience for us all .... and invaluable data/ feedback for policy makers & workers in the field .. if they look.

My relationships with the 2 tricky people I mentioned are still delicato... feeling a bit better today .. feel I heaved out the anchor and have a safer mooring.

I guess it takes time ... to work things out.

[Bast]

@Appleblossom

Hi utterly wonderful person. Self doubt, low self esteem and to be brave enourgh to trust (when seriously hurting from prior experiences) these aspects of our selves are extremely hard to live with. When you occasionally let the facade down - more pain always seems to be the outcome. 

I no longer have any relationships as a result, my trust has been destroyed far to often. Yes I do feel lonely, however it is better than speaking openly with a 'friend' who agreed to maintain my privacy as I will always do for her and yet to be informed that it was shared.

I do not have any answers, because the whole thing is simply heartbreaking. I do miss the people I called friends, they just faded away when I was admitted last year. I can only read this as being in the too hard basket, so sad.

For you though, perhaps you can perservere. After all - You are all of the wonderful things that make you unique.

Lots Luv Bast

[Former-Member]

Hi @Appleblossom

Just popping in with a quick hello to see how you are doing? Is everything going well with you my friend? I know you get busy. Have missed your posts. You are one of the genuine, kind people on here with such a brilliant mind that I miss. Thinking of you hoping all is good in your world 💕

[Former-Member]

@Bast 💕 - It's so painful to open up and share, even help others only to have our trust broken by them when they don't honour our friendship/welfare and good intentions in return by breaking that trust. And to have them move away at our darkest times when we need them the most. That must of been hard when you went in hospital. have experienced this many times myself in the past - and It is hard to trust and open up again to someone without anxiety and painful memories freezing me at times as a result. I truly empathise.

I take relations with people very slow now and will only open up or allow them close when "trust has been nurtured". "When I get to know the people and what values/integrity they have". And I found this took time for me as others are the same (don't open up immediately to me). But after awhile I felt I could trust the a few to move closer. I found this did enrich my life as the loneliness and isolation was bad for my mental health.

I found helping others on a volunteer basis was a good way of connecting with others "at a safe distance" to begin with and a way of getting to to know them first and peer workers. Some friendships are starting as getting to know them, I know I am seeing in them loyalty, compassion and that they can be trusted. But it did take a long time. Maybe for others it is quicker, but for me this took years. But I feel was worth it. I don't feel utterly alone now and that has helped me feel more valued as a person. I think close, trustworthy friends that are there for me are rare though - but surprising they seem to pop up at the least expected times when I need someone.

Your right, it is brave to trust again - it's a leap of faith really. I remember feeling anxious and the past hurts making it painful and hesitating me in a big way. But the isolation was making me worse. So I weighed up what was worse and took that leap of faith again but much more carefully as explained above. (once bitten, twice shy) I felt I had to do something to improve my anxiety and connecting did help.

I hope you don't mind me asking but are you totally alone now? Sorry for the long rant but your post touched me and I am interested in how you cope alone and if you have any connection with others at all? Does this make you worse or do you find I think more peaceful Hope this post finds you well  😊

[Shaz51]

Hello @Former-Member, @Bast, @Appleblossom 

[oceangirl]

Hi @Shaz51 @Appleblossom @Former-Member @Bast @Former-Member

[Bast]

@Former-Member

Hi I thank you. I am sincerely appriecative of your reply and understanding. Yes I have really tried to be a good friend to people, yes I have tried to be a social person - it seems to be inevitable that  I am so wrong as a person and unreliable in so many ways. 

It really hurts - because when I hit the repeated full scale depression over and over I am unable to be OK enough to communicate or follow through. I just hide. I am unable to pursue people that matter, I am far to ashamed to allow anyone now to know. I have been hurt by trying to trust. 

I do understand that it is the depression talking for me - as always, Right now I have no sense that I am an OK person. Just pain

Lots luv Bast