Lived Experience Forum

[Alessandra1992]

Hey @kato, the hardest thing about people breaking up is navigating the relationships post break-up. Often it seems that people choose sides..I think because either people feel more loyalty to one of the people who's relationship has broken down, or because they don't want to upset both people so they choose one..
It is painful but I don't think it is avoidable. Some friends will willingly jump at the chance to offer different dates or times to keep your friendship alive, and some will find it too hard to do.
So perhaps you may find yourself making new friends over time, like you have made here on this forum..:) over time you will find more friends that really want to know you as a person, rather than the being the partner of someone else.
Remember you are changing, and in earlier posts you have said you were not being open and honest in your friendships, and that some were based around partying hard..I think your mental health is worth this pain right now, because you are growing..I could be wrong but you said you used to wear a mask, but wearing a mask isn't sustainable in the long run..you are creating something beautiful kato..please try and be patient and kind to yourself as over time, your real friends will come knocking on your door..
Giant hugs, giant hugs...

[kato]

@Rick 

hey mate,

my wife's family too thought i was amazing, they all told my now ex wife to not eff it up with me, even her Nan, bless her, they all were in admiration of how good i was with her and her son.

i did everything possible for her and her son and her family, but i let them all down as well.

i have my own family which is nice but we are not quite a normal family, we are very private and secretive, only tell each other what needs to be known, a few examples - my mum's cancer scare, i wasn't told, my first breakdown, my sisters were not told, what has happened now my sister's only know the basics, we just don't share that sort of stuff with each other, it will sound quite dysfunctional to some, well many, but it is how my family is, each indervidual it is their choice if they tell anyone else what is happening.

When my wife left me, that afternoon that she called the cops on me, i was not in a good place, she told my sister what was going on who told my parent's. I was so hurt that she broke my trust by involving them for my own safety, it sounds laughable, but it's true.

I believe i too shall grieve over this for quite some time

It doesn't seem selfish too me what she is doing, she is protecting herself and getting people around her to help support her,

I too have taken the high ground, by not trying to impede in her new life, and i still have one or two friends out there, which are true friends, at least when i am not paranoid about them, one thing i have noticed is when i get paranoid it means i am getting triggered by something, and i withdraw and re-assess what is going on.

Thank you rick for showing me that with time it may get a bit easier

it is great that you can still see your daughter,

thank you again for your kindness

[kristin]

Hey @kato 

SO sorry to hear you are going through this. It is dificult enough at this time of year without this as well. Maybe it's oversight on your friends' part, or maybe it's taking sides. It's very hard to tell and I guess you can either say you'd like to catch up another time soon, or walk away. Which would hurt you more - a clear taking of sides by your mate, or abandoning the friendship in the assumption of him taking sides?

It is very painful when it is someone who you've been close to and they seem to take sides. I think I might have mentioned before that my best friend took my husband's side when we split up. It was excruciating. It's not always the case but it does happen.

Wishing you blessings and enduring hope,

Kristin

[kato]

hey sandy,

Truer words could not have been spoken,  i am aware that, people will always pick a side, so far only one friend has picked mine, i know the reason and it is something that can't be changed, and i respect the choices of others, if it is there wish to not see me so be it, if they come calling i will not turn away from them either.

you mention about my mask, and that it is not sustainable, i believe you are right, but i don't know how to not wear it, it has been a part of me for so long, i do not know what lies beneath it. and i know why it is so difficult for me to lower it, it is fear.

i am scared of what lies beneath my mask, scared of who or what i might really be.

when the barriers and masks are up i am who i want to be.

if i drop them i can't control who i am, i will be open and raw, and will be easily hurt, my barriers come down when i write in here, my mask comes down when i write in here.

i know it seems ludacris to think that lowering them in my life would be scary and i am afraid, but once i write what i write they come back up on their own.

if i knew how to be anonymous in the real world, then i would be ok

nothing to be afraid of.

But i also use my mask and barriers to protect myself from myself, without them when i look in the mirror i have to actually look at myself, and look into my eyes and know everything that i have done. i would have no protection against myself, and that is my biggest fear, my knowledge of what i have done.

i wish for the day where i can i look in a mirror and look myself in the eyes and know that i am ok.

i know it sounds odd even weird

but you are right, and this pain is worth it, for me to able to grow.

i try and be kind to myself

thank you sandy for the giant hugs 🙂

thank you

[peace]

Hi @kato thank you for telling me about your son. I feel for you both as I am sure he misses you also. He is the innocent party here in your divorce. And he is not involved in it either. Therefore it is ok and even appropriate for you to continue to acknowledge him especially on birthdays and Christmas. A card in mail is non intrusive.
And yes please keep posting your poems. They are the deepest part of you. So very touchingly beautiful.

[Alessandra1992]

@kato...masks can be helpful at times, definitely.. Otherwise we wouldn't have a tradition of using them in theatre..but it is one thing to put on our brave face to enable us to do something despite our feelings, which would otherwise be beyond us "fake it til you make it".. Quite another to use one to hide from ourselves...you are slowly peeking from behind that mask of self doubt on this Forum..and I am hoping that despite all of your fear of yourself, we are accepting of each other..none of us can claim perfection, we all have perfect imperfections.. Aspects of our lives that we wish hadnt occurred or actions taken that we've regretted..
Self forgiveness takes time...but as you forgive others freely, which you are through your understanding of your wife's actions, we are slowly also forgiving ourselves....
Giant hugs @kato and what everyone else said @kristin, @rick, @everyone else coz my ph won't let me see other posters!!!

[kato]

hey peace

i think i will try and send through cards etc at special times in his life.

and i am pretty open, so it did not worry me talking about him. I know i deliebretly left it out of most of my postings because, i was still coming to terms with everything, i think my brain needed at first to not think about everything,

i will post poems when they come to me, for some reason i can't just create one it seems i need to be in a certain headspace perhaps.

[kato]

hey sandy

i know i know 🙂

i am very blessed to have found all my friends here

and everyone is amazing

i too thank everyone for everything they have said

i am very lucky that i can peek out from my mask on this forum, and yes i am quite forgiving, but i struggle with forgiving myself. but slowly getting better at it

thank you again

Giant hugs back

[Alessandra1992]

Hey @kato, so you can see I have a bit of a nag gene...which is a really difficult beast to master..I think my control freakery does me no favours in my caring role..or if it does its too soon to know if it is going to be helpful in the long run..my self forgiveness is constant as my parenting skills are not as easily applied or learned as I imagined they would be prior to being a parent..
Ha. In my pre-parent days I imagined myself as a carefree, permissive positive parent..The reality is nagging, a side serve of nagging followed by more nagging...
Maybe that will be my goal in 2015..50% less nagging every day 🙂 might keep my mental health in the right space too!!
Hugs returned 🙂

[kato]

i like your nagging sandy, except i don't see it as nagging 🙂