Lived Experience Forum

[suzanne]

RUOK day is coming up on September the 8th.  It's a day to encourage and celebrate real, no-bullshit connections.  Honest conversations.  Courage and vulnerability. The things we do in the Forums but out there.  IRL. 

At SANE we published a blog last year about how to start that conversation.  You can read it here.  It was a little blog that got a big audience which shows that people are interested but might need some guidance.

This year we thought it would be great if you gave the advice rather than us.  After all, if you're an active member of the Forums you're in the trenches, so to speak, on a regular basis.  Asking difficult questions, paying attention and providing support.

So can I ask, if someone is hesitant to ask RUOK, what would you want to tell them?  What have your experiences been of asking or being asked?

[HellonWheels]

I would prefer to be asked
" want to grab a coffee"
Than "RUOK"

[Queenie]

Ahhh RUOK day... I remember holding a morning tea along with my fellow classmates at my local Tafe college (we were Cert IV mental health students) and it turned into the most heavily stigmatised event I've ever attended. I think people need to work on abolishing the taboos surrounding mental health. For me, I like and embrace the concept of RUOK day, however I find people find it too difficult to ask the question. 

[Ffm48]

At my workplace on RUOK day everyone sent everyone an RUOK email and said RUOK instead of good morning. It all seemed to be a bit of a lark - no one was really interested.

I'll agree, asking someone for a cuppa and have a casual break seems to be an easier way to lead up to the question how someone is feeling. In the course of the conversation the RUOK might be woven in. This might be easier for both parties.

[Kurra]

A cuppa. A walk. Sitting in the shade of a tree in summer. These and many more things are good ways to set the scene to ask R U OK.

Why ask it? Because asking can save a life. That someone cares enough to ask made a huge impact on me. That someone was listening and not telling me to stop being so melodramatic. That's powerful stuff. It's not something I'll ever forget.

I've attended many an event for R U OK day where the question became a big joke. It doesn't need to be all long faces either. We're going to run some silly fun games + a bbq to give people a chance to let their hair down and de-stress, have a good laugh and above all - FUN.

It's also been suggested that I speak about my journey with MI and that S word. I'm more than happy to do so. It will be interesting to see if the positive fun and personal approach makes a difference.

[utopia]

If you suspect suicidal thoughts. Don't beat around the bush. Ask directly. "Are you thinking of suicide? " or " are you thinking of killing yourself? ". I know they sound like blunt words, but if that's your concern - ask it.
By asking RUOK, people can fob you off too easily. It's a common question, not much different from how you going - where the normal response is "good. Ok". Using words such as suicide or killing can surprise the person enough to truly open up.

[Happyman]

Why can't we do it every day 🙂

[Kurra]

Yes we can and we should if the signs are there @Happyman The day itself is about educating and reminding people about being prepared to ask and follow through with the conversation.

@utopia, Asking someone if they're thinking about killing themselves / do they have a plan etc really is a question only asked if there is very strong indicators of suicidal ideation. R U OK is a question that can be asked at an earlier stage - when someone appears to be unusually sad / distracted for long periods etc.

Many people who are not OK will welcome the opportunity to talk but may not want to make a fuss. A direct question however can be like opening up the floodgates and very different from "How are you going" which is as you said is a common old everyday automatic greeting.

Gotta fly. Work calls 😕

[Ffm48]

That first conversation is deeply etched in my memory, @Kurr. That first RUOK to which I responded "why wouldn't I be?" - oh yes I was very belligerent - was immediately followed by "are you thinking of harming yourself?" - "what do you mean?" - "are you thinking of suicide?" - "yes, and what's it to you?" - "can we go somewhere quiet and talk? I'd like to hear about your reasoning". Very, very reluctantly I conceded 10 minutes. Well, as you so aptly put it, the flood gates opened and three hours later I was calmer than I had been for a long time and agreed to continue the talk another day. That kicked off therapy for me and the rest is history.

Having the feeling someone actually cared made all the difference.

 How to make asking RUOK easier? I do like the comparison to visible illness when no one would have a problem asking "How are you coping with that broken leg? Can I do some shopping for you?" - "You seem a bit off colour - anything bothering you?"

[suzanne]

Thank you @Ffm48, @Kurra, @Happyman, @utopia, @Queenie and @HellonWheels for your responses.  I agree, should be everyday but we know that it's not. We've been re-watching Friends at home and recently watched the episode that George Costanza from Seinfeld is in.  Does anyone remember that?  He gets to the stage where he's literally shouting out his despair in his workplace and is still being ignored.  I think there are shades of that all around us.

Sad to hear that it's being treated flippantly in places.  Thanks so much for sharing your experience in being asked the question Fmf48 and Kurra.  It shows what a difference it can make.  And good luck @Kurra.  It takes courage to share your story within the workplace.  Some of you may be aware of our Thriving Community project at the moment where people have been sharing their experiences with mental illness online and in the media.  Those who are working have had really wonderful responses from their colleagues so I hope that is true for you too Kurra.