Lived Experience Forum

[Bubbles3]

hi everyone.
i thought i would share my life story, firstly to get it off my chest and just to give you an insight of why i have mental illness.
my dad was very abusive to my mum, very violent. even when she was pregnant with me and my sister. me and my sis had to listen to the abuse, listen to things being smashed and mum being abused. we also was abuseed. we were locked in our rooms for days with no food and a bucket to piss in. we always locked outside in the cold at night with nothing more than undies on. my mum would be hungry from not eating because he wouldnt let her. sis and me would have to sit in the middle of the lounge room floor for hours and if we fell asleep dad would throw his steelcap boots at our heads.
thats only some of what he use to do to us.
when i was 12 years old mum left him. we moved far away
then from 12 to 15 years old i was sexually abused.
i was one messed up kid. i hated everything, everyone and most of all i hated me.
time progessed and i started drinking, smoking and doing drugs. (the heavy stuff)
i was always trying to ..... myself. i just wanted to die. i stopped talking to people and i stopped eating. i felt i had to punish myself all the time and that what i did.
at 19 years old, i had been seeig this guy for 3 years. ......
i found him dead.
that just broke my heart. i started using drugs even more and i was drinking any time that i was awake. i was a mess.
then 10 years ago i met my hubby. he saved me. i stopped using drugs but i still drank heavely.
anyway, 5 years ago i was going down hill again so i went to see someone.
now i have PTSD, cluster B personility disorder, major depessive disorder and anxity
(sorry about my spelling. dont know how to spell some shit)
so now here i am , and im still struggling with now and my past. im still a bloody mess. i still get suicidal and i still hate myself. im always self harming, ( but i havent doon that in nearly a month now) so thats one good thing. im trying to stop that because of my kids. im trying to cover up my scars with tattoos so the kids cant see them.
the 2 things i have managed to do well in is, bringing my kids up well and committing to my hubby.
oh and i have stopped drinking, but i do slip up every now and then..... like when im really upset. but i still have this battle within myself and i hate it. it scares me.
so, this is my life and why i am the way i am.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Bubbles3, Thank you for sharing your story. It is beyond my comprehension that people can treat their children in the way that you and your sister were treated. I am so very glad that you and your husband found each other, and it sounds like you are an awesome mum to your kids. I hope you are able to feel supported here in Forum Land.

[Lunar]

Hello @Bubbles3

Thank you for sharing this with us, it is very brave of you to share your experiences with others here on the forum. I can't imagine how difficult that would be, but I am glad you did.

It seems like you are really trying your best at the moment with managing your mental health, and have made some really big helpful changes to stop using drugs, drinking and self harming, those are not easy to stop doing, so good on you.

I think when you are really upset, you are trying your best not to drink but you do sometimes, be kind to yourself because these things happen and all you can do is reflect on that once you are less overwhelmed.You have made some huge changes already though by realising the impacts these ways of coping are having on you.

Keep us updated,

Lunar 🙂

[Bubbles3]

Thankyou @Lunar and @Phoenix_Rising. I just try to be the best mum that i can be. I dont want kids to be brought up like how i was brought up. It just my mental health gets in the way which i feel really bad about. I know they suffer because of it.

[CheerBear]

Hi @Bubbles3. I am so sorry to hear of all the really awful things you've been through. It's understandable that after it all, you experience an effect on your mental health.

I love that you were able to see those two things you've done well. Being a good mum to my kids is one of the most important things to me too. When I feel like I'm doing well with parenting, the other stuff can feel easier to live with (though it still matters very much and doesn't take it away completely).

It can be seriously hard doing the mum thing and the extra challenges mental health issues add, make it a tough ride sometimes. I don't know a single perfect parent, but it sounds like you're doing the best you can (that's all you can do) and giving your kids a chance to live in a different way to you, so well done. That would take a lot of hard work.

Nice to 'meet' you Bubbles3 🙂

[Bubbles3]

Thankyou @CheerBear.

[Appleblossom]

That is a lot of trauma @Bubbles3

So good that you found some good people to give your life meaning.

I have seen some tough stuff too and feel pretty messed up, crazily enough ... we survive.

Hope the forum helps.

[Zoe7]

@Bubbles3 Thankyou so much for sharing your story - all of it. You have shown incredible courage and strength to write and then actually post all of that - that is truly remarkable. I think you can now add a third thing to your list of things you have done well in your life - that is to reach out for support and have the courage to talk about what has happened to 'mould' you into the person you are. Despite so much trauma in your life you have still managed to have a loving relationship and raise children - that is wonderful.

I admire your strength to get through everything you have encountered in your life and still be able to go on 'living' - despite the obstacles you face from your past.

Amazing @Bubbles3. Thankyou again for sharing your story 

[Bubbles3]

Thankyou @Zoe7 and @Appleblossom

🙂