Lived Experience Forum

[Dino14]

I would stay if I could shut out all the inane nonsense and just focus on anything people had to say about my specific problems. I can't help anyone else until I help myself.

[Former-Member]

And thats just fine @Dino14  ... keep to your thread here and continue to reply to those who take the time and care to post to you.  Just as you did here to @BryanaCamp .  

I hope you are able to find answers to your issues, both through here and also through whatever your GP puts in place for you.  I was happy to read on the Good Morning Thread that you have made an appointment with your GP in two weeks time.  Shame its so far off, but that unfortunately is how things work in the bush. And it is during the festive season, so I guess its not that bad really.

Just some helpful advice if I can ... it is preferable to tag the person you are responding to, so they know you have posted to them.  You can do that by typing an @ symbol while in the body of the post ... a drop down list of recent responders here will come up. Just click on the one you wish to tag, or all if you are responding to several. See if you can give that a go, as it will help you to get a more timely response in return.  

I know you are only here to focus on your specific problems, and lets hope you get some answers that you are looking for.  I will say however, that this is not likely to be a quick fix.  This is a problem for you since you were a child, and you are now late 50's.  This is likely to be something you will need ongoing support with for a time, and therapy to help you deal with your past.  Then you can work on the present.  I know this isnt what you want, because you want a quick fix and get the love of your life back quickly.  But if you can get some support in place to help you in the long term, then perhaps your loved one will see that you are trying to make things right and are willing to put the effort in to make the necessary changes to allow a meaningful relationship.

Just be aware that signs of abandonment issues include 1) sabotaging relationships and 2) a need for constant reassurance.  Does this sound like you?  If it does, then sometimes being aware of that, and the possible reasons why, can help you to short circuit the process.

You will be best served by professional assistance by way of seeing a therapist to work  through the cause of your abandonment issues and to help you understand and overcome the fear of further abandonment.  Its very typical of people with abandonment issues to put relationships in jeopardy, simply as a way of avoiding future hurt. To me, it sounds very much as though this is the case for you.  Part of learning to manage anxieties around abandonment is to understand the why of your behaviour, and to develop appropriate coping methods to help you through.

Sherry 

[Dino14]

@Former-Member 

Hey. It's seems they didn't cancel my account as I received emails this morning so I'm still here.

Today is not a good day. My ex-partner is replying less and less to my texts which I understand as I do need to give her more space but it is just fueling my feelings of frustration, emptiness and abandonement.  My 16yo daughter, who is supposed to come stay with me every second weekend, has cancelled again. She has only been here 5 weekends in the last 6 months. More abandonement! I don't really connect with my children, because of my past, but was determined to address that. Kylie, my ex, was really helping with that but now shes gone.

I agreed to go on call for fire fighting this weekend, a regular part of my job, but now I'm regretting it. Work is usually the one place I can function like a normal person but today I'm scared that with my head the way it is I might endanger someone if we were to be called out. What if I'm partnered with a trainee? They'll be looking to me for leadership. Am I capable?

I've never felt this alone.

I just want this over. It just seems so hopeless.

Sorry to bother you as I know there is nothing you can do to help but I'm desperate for any sort of words of wisdom.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Dino14  ... I'm glad you are still a member.  Just remember that there are always people here if you ever need a friendly ear.  Sometimes a chance to vent can be pretty beneficial. Its also helpful to openly air our fears and insecurities to a sympathetic audience.  Something I find we simply do not do in real life.  

I was not aware you had children.  How disappointing for you that your daughter is not coming for her scheduled visit with you this weekend.  In my experience most 16yo's can be a little fickle.  And I suppose in the past 6 months she would have been busy with her school studies etc.  Now that its school holidays, she will probably be wanting to spend time with her friends.  Unfortunately parents tend to take a bit of a back seat when it comes to teenagers and where they want to be.  But yes I can see that it would add to your sense of abandonment.  Try to see it more as just a typical teenager, and not a reflection on you at all.

Good on you for being a part of the wonderful volunteer Rural Fire Service.  So tragic those 2 young firefighters losing their lives a couple of days ago.  It is a dangerous place to be, no questions there.  I used to be involved in our local bush RFS brigade, my husband was a deputy captain and I did a lot of the support functions.  But after we left our farm and hubby retired, I am no longer directly involved.  

I really hope you are not called out for any local fires where you are.  I think you will likely find that if you are called out, your knowledge and training will come to the fore, and you will be just fine.  You will know what to do and how.  If you are partnered with an inexperienced person, they can safely follow you, as the leader you are.  Yes ... you are capable.  This is one of a number of things you are very good at.  

I know what you mean about feeling alone.  I have been feeling that a lot lately too, though for much different reasons.  In times like these, I call on my forum friends for support, someone to listen, someone who understands.  And they are always here for me.  They are here for you too, if that is what you want.  None of us have all the answers, none of us have a magic wand to make everything right ... but we try our best, and we care. 

Things may seem hopeless right now, and I think Christmas tends to make us feel even more that way when things are not going well.  But these feelings are not permanent.  With good professional support from GP and psych, possibly medication (and people here if or when you choose) and some good strategies in place to support you ... you can turn this around.

I am really sorry I do not have any words of wisdom, and of course you are right that there is nothing I can do personally ... I wish there was.  But you do have my admiration and my moral support if you want it.  You are not alone.

Sherry 

[Dino14]

@Former-Member 

Thank you.

Just one small thing.  Don't confuse me with the volunteer firies. It is part of my job in the Timber Industry, so I get paid for it.  They deserve the recognition.

[Dino14]

@Former-Member 

Just also to explain about my children. I was married once and how it survived as long as it did I'm not sure. We agreed before marriage that we would have no children as she already had 3.  She deliberately broke that agreement and got pregnant twice. I think she stayed with me purely out of greed. My OCD was controlling me at the time and so my small business thrived as that was my obsession. I worked on average probably 80 hours a week for 16 1/2 years with very few holidays so never had time for the kids even if I'd wanted to have them.  I didn't want kids because of my low self image and I always knew that I would be a failure as a parent.  My parents gave me no idea of how parents should be and so even now, realising all this, I still have no idea how to connect with my kids. Haven't seen my 19yo son since July or August and the only contact is text messages.  I don't think I will ever be close to them.  I grew up with parents like me and I just hope I haven't passed on my problems to them.

Anyway, I thought I'd explain and I'm somehow feeling a bit better now.

Thank you.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Dino14  ... thanks for clearing up that about your family situation.  Its a little clearer now.  I am sorry you ended up with children despite an agreement not to.  Thats hard.  Although I have to say I was on the other side of a similar agreement with my husband when I married in my mid 30's.  My husband was married before and had 2 teenaged children.  He told me he did not want more children, that he had his kids.  I, on the other hand,  had never been married before, and had no children. But I agreed to his demands, because I loved him. And I kept to that agreement.  

Okay, so you are not one of our volunteer RFS crew.  You are still a hero.  You have still agreed to be on call to fight any fires which break out.  You are still risking your life. The paid RFS members are in the similar situation, they too are paid, but they are specially trained.  I expect you too would have a fair amount of training behind you?

I am time limited right now, as I have to get my seriously ill husband to a medical appointment shortly.  Just wanted to quickly respond to your post.  But I am glad to hear that you are feeling a little better than you were earlier. 

And I see you have got the hang of the 'tagging' of members names.  Well done.  ✔

I will try to talk further later, if you are still online here.  As you are on call, I guess you wont be able to do too much.  Do you have plans at all?  Maybe watch some cricket later?  Do you read, listen to music, have a favourite movie genre?  I expect where ever you are, its likely to be a very hot day.  Same as here.  So something indoors may be a good option.  I like to do some art and some crafts.

Sherry 

[Dino14]

Do what you have to do, I'll reply to all that later. Thanks.

[Dino14]

@Former-Member 

Hey again.

I think the reason I stayed with my wife so long was because she was the first person who ever said I love you to me.  I could never love her.  I was 34.  I was in love with being loved, the one thing I'd craved all my life.  She was physically gorgeous. 10 out of 10 on the schoolboy scale.  Male heads would turn when we walked into a room and that gave my low self esteem a big boost I guess.  Shallow I know but only because of my mental state I hope.  It was a bit the same with Kylie, she's 45, and a 100 on that scale, and I'm 57.  But there was so much more with her and that's why I drove her away, I knew that one day she would walk out because she would see that I wasn't good enough for her.  I made it easy for her even though she does adore me.  I don't think I'll ever get over that.

And to your other points, the firefighting training we recieved was amazing and it all does kick in with the adrenalin when I need it.  I have had 2 near death situations and I'm still here so it works.  And fear wasn't a factor at all.  Scared of so many other things throughout my life but able to cope under that sort of pressure is an amazing contrast.  I hope your husband is doing well, Kylie was rushed to hospital 2 days ago and I so wanted to be there to support her whereas I ran the other way from my wife's health scares.  Kylie's fine now but it was hell waiting for her to let me know that she was OK.

And on call?  No I can't do much as I need to be near the phone and be able to hear it.  Can't mow lawns, cut fire wood, trim hedges etc as the machinery drowns out the phone.  No cricket on TV where I am tonight, just Xmas carols on that channel.  Great!  I don't read or watch movies that much but music is a constant in my life, no matter where I am or what I'm doing much to the annoyance of some others.  Have a collection of close to 12,000 songs and growing.  An obsession?  Maybe!

Anyway thanks for your time.  Much appreciated.

[Former-Member]

@Dino14  ... I'm back again.  There is no need to thank me for my time ... I am happy to give whatever time I have here.  So many members have helped me in the past, its only right that I can at least try to give something back in my own small way.  I think its important to feel that we make a difference (in a good way) to someone, somehow.

So from what you said, it sounds like you were in love with being in love?  I think thats relatively common actually.  You must be a pretty attractive fellow yourself if you keep attracting stunning women.  Clearly they see something in you, that you may not see in yourself.  Could it be a sense of vulnerability perhaps?  Some women are attracted to that. No, I dont think its shallow to feel proud to have a good looking woman on your arm.  And nor do I think its especially related to  your likely mental state.  I believe its very normal to want someone we are attracted to.  Thankfully .... for us more average looking women ... everyone has a slightly different view of whats beautiful or attractive.  Having said that, I have been told that I am pretty or cute ... but I am certainly no beauty in the classic sense.  But if I am being honest, I am probably what you'd call reasonably attractive.  And I'm told I hold my age very well.  I guess thats nice.

Opposites often attract, or so they say.  I think with my husband and I, that was definitely the case.  He is a good looking fellow and women are almost universally attracted to him, but he is also very much a mans man.  He was in the military, Vietnam war.  Yes he's older than me by 11 years.  Anyway I met him some 6 months after an incident which caused my PTSD.  I was a wreck to say the least, but I was making an attempt to contine to lead a normal life. I met him through my work.  My attraction to him was that he was strong, protective.  I needed that.  I think what we look for in a love interest varies throughout our lives.  I think beauty becomes less important as we age.  And yet, before any relationship can begin, there has to be an attraction to begin with. And then we start to see all the other assets the person has.  I think its very sad that you had someone you thought you could spend the rest of your life with, only to lose her through self sabotage.  If she adored you then, I feel sure she still does.  The flame can still be relit @Dino14 .

Oh dear, thats not good with Kylie having a hospitalisation a couple of days ago.  Glad to hear she's okay now.  Its interesting that you wanted to be there, rather than run the other direction as you may have done with your ex-wife.  Definitely a sign that a flame still burns for her, for you.  I feel sure she would not have had a problem if you had visited her to support her in hospital?  I think its really nice that you wanted to anyway.  You really do have a lot invested in trying to overcome this abandonment stuff, dont you?

Being on call is hard.  Just as well be working.  I hope you have not been called out yet, and that it remains that way.  Yes I was forgetting that there is no BBL cricket on today.  Carols by Candlelight will be on instead.  I actually quite like the Carols though, so will probably watch it tonight.  I watched my BBL team the Sydney Sixers play yesterday afternoon, and sadly they collapsed in the run chase.  Their batting is very flinty, and was last season too.  I am looking forward to the Boxing Day test from Thursday.  Have you ever been to a boxing day test at the MCG?  I was there for 2 days of an Ashes test way back in around 2005 maybe?  It was great, I loved it. I have also been to a few ODIs at the SCG, and I enjoyed that too.  Been to AFL at MCG, SCG, ANZ Stadium, Manuka Oval ... every one of the matches were good.  Do you follow Golf or Tennis?  I note that my husband is watching the golf today, Aussie PGA I think.  And tennis in Australia is not far away.

So music is your thing by the sounds of it.  I like a bit of all sorts when it comes to music ... including classic, pop, 1960's, 1970's.  If I had to say who my all time fav signer would be, I would say Roy Orbison.  Music is great, you can get really engrossed in it, and lose yourself.  Sometimes thats very much needed.  Now that I cannot play much sport anymore, I have turned to some artistic and craft endeavors.  Something I've never done in my life before.  But I have discovered that I have a bit of talent for sketching, and I enjoy a number of crafts as well.  My latest thing is Diamond Painting.  I find it distracting, which is what I was looking for.

Thanks for your well wishes regarding my husband.  He is very unwell as I said before, but must be tough given he is still alive and kicking.  He has Stage IV cancer, parkinsons disease, a number of auto-immune issues related to his cancer treatment, plus a number of other serious health issues.  Plus some major MH problems as well ... PTSD from military days, alcoholism, narcissism, to name a few. Life seems to be a constant whirl of seeing one specialist after another, and then adding some more.  So its difficult for both of us.  

You said you had an appointment with your GP in 2 weeks.  Or less than that now.  I hope you are able to talk with them and be honest around your MH challenges.  Stress to them that you want treatment and assistance to help you to deal with your issues and to make some changes where necessary.  I feel sure your GP will be happy to do a MHCP for you, and will likely refer you to a suitably qualified counsellor or psychologist.  Then you will get your 6 medicare funded psych sessions, followed by 4 more if needed.  Up to 10 per calendar year, managed by your GP, under advice from your psych.  I really hope you can get some help around all this, because I can see that its troubling you enormously.

Time is getting away, I must go.  But if you have any questions, or you just want to chat, post anytime.  I dont sleep well and am usually awake all hours.  If you tag me, I will get any messages.  @Dino14  I hope you dont mind but I am tagging a male member here. @Gazza75 , absolutely no pressure, but if you get a chance @Dino14  might appreciate a males perspective?

Take care @Dino14 

Sherry 😊