That sounded like the heavy stuff shared by our brother from US @eudemonism. He too..at one point in time was struck by shame, guilt, remorse but sought solace, repentance, new mindset and meaning in life from reflecting, reading, learning, being knowledgeable and mixing with the right people, positive people that uplift his virtues and spirits. Its like shutting down some doors for good, and entering new doors that lead to different worlds that have never been explored. An emigration in the cause of his Creator. Done that too..in order to move forward...