Welcome to the forum @DownMoreThanUp, what an amazing post you've shared!  To have such unimaginable trauma at such a young age and work so hard to find the peace and love that you have is inspiring.   There are lessons there for all of us I think.  I took took many years, decades even, to start trying to stop listening to all those negative thoughts about myself, holding myself responsible for everything that was bad and start to believe that it was possible to 'come out of hiding' and connect with people in a positive way.  While I can't really identify with what you went through as a child, who could?, but you're not alone here so welcome to the group and thanks again for sharing your story.