G'day from WA

[DownMoreThanUp]

Hi all,

i'm a 64 year old male and have been diagnosed with Schizo effective disorder, and .P.T.S.D, from a sexual attack at 11, and near murder, and have suffered from clinical depression for most of my life, as well as suffered multiple psychoses, and hospitalizations.

i have often suffered suicidal depression, especially trying out new AD's, and before doctors realised that combo medications like anti-psychotics with AD's added, were very dangerous for me. (Always make sure that other loved ones are monitoring you as you try out new medications, for the wrong ones can have shocking effects, at times, within hours of taking them.)

Anyhow the last 10 years i have improved enormously psychosis wise. Good counseling where i was taught to let go of the bad life, my trauma memories brought up, in little bits, by little bits, rather than be overrun by the enormity, FULL LOAD, of such stored up bad life.

i found that although my strict religious upbringing made suffering a depressive illness much worse, that nevertheless faith in God's love, without the any more (religious) demands, is the very best way for me to survive my bad times.

Holding onto my identity, through applying love, has been by far the most powerful healing i have experienced.  For loving myself where i hated myself before, rather than, either excusing myself being horrible person raging, or scolding and despising myself for being such a horrible person, and instead letting love undo the bad moments, and replace them with good moments instead. This has done absolutely amazing miracles in my life.

Incredible what applying love, compassion, care, kindness, to oneself can do, when we are, in the often loveless, grip of depression. i do know that love is the most powerful force again despair, sadness, hopelessness, anger, guilt, shame and fear one could possible utilize fighting any feelings of unworthiness, lovelessness, self hate, anger, rage, anxiety, bitterness, or the likes.

Have a great day.

Some great impressions of the battles we face suffering from P.T.S.D, Depression, and/or psychosis. i think they are all by the great artist Inktober.

[Ru-bee]

Hello and welcome @DownMoreThanUp 

Thank you so much for sharing your story here. I'm so glad that you've felt this was a safe space to do this.

It's wonderful to hear what a positive effect that you've felt extending love, care and compassion towards yourself. I know that's not always an easy thing to do and takes real work, but as you've said, it can be a very healing thing.

Thank you for also sharing these drawings that resonated with you. Do you draw yourself?

[DownMoreThanUp]

Good meeting you here.

i have been searching for a place i can resonate with people, rather than be the odd one out. i hope this forum can serve that purpose.

No i'm not much of a drawer, but i do like writing poems, about my faith, and surviving depression, anxiety, and psychosis, in particular.

i'll share you one;

Loving Grows Good Life.

The pain of depression
is not only the fact
that my good life is gone,
much worse is seeing
bad life, inside, enjoy,
tearing me apart!

For the sorrow of depression,
are the lies ruling me hurt,
rendering life an abomination,
which brings me my desolation,
all that bad life living within me,
dumping my in that bloody pit.

For the hopelessness of depression,
always floods fully over me,
when i'm overwhelmed,
by the darkness pressing,
me down into that hole,
so lonely and forsaken.

Yet the way out of depression,
is to heed the voice of love,
denying that bad life pressing,

ruling those painful lies hurting,

heeding love, nurturing good life instead,

growing stronger than pain brings to bear

[MJG017]

Welcome to the forum @DownMoreThanUp, what an amazing post you've shared!  To have such unimaginable trauma at such a young age and work so hard to find the peace and love that you have is inspiring.   There are lessons there for all of us I think.  I took took many years, decades even, to start trying to stop listening to all those negative thoughts about myself, holding myself responsible for everything that was bad and start to believe that it was possible to 'come out of hiding' and connect with people in a positive way.  While I can't really identify with what you went through as a child, who could?, but you're not alone here so welcome to the group and thanks again for sharing your story.

[DownMoreThanUp]

Thanks. Nice meeting you here.

[RachSANECEO]

Welcome to our recovery community and thanks for sharing your story with us.

[DownMoreThanUp]

i saw i transgressed tons of forum rules, although unwittingly. i did look at the rules, but did not think, what i did, would be seen as wrong. E.g, sharing resources, gained information to aid in suffering, and art, especially about my personal suffering as a mentally ill person, would be rejected. Hopefully i learn the ropes

[Glisten]

Hello 👋🏼 @DownMoreThanUp  there are a few of us here in WA in Forumland.

Nice art.

G

[AlwaysMyself]

Just read your thread now @DownMoreThanUp . I too have found a belief in God to be a helpful thing through my depression; thankfully I was not raised in a "religious" version of christianity - but a more relaxed and accepting version.

The reason I listen to christian music is because of the nature of the lyrics; other rock/metal tended to have very dark and depressing or angry lyrics that fueled/supported my negative thoughts. 

I don't think any/many users haven't accidently posted something that needs edit by a mod/peer lol. 😇 Maybe we keep them employed? lol 😉
I think as long as you're well-intent they're pretty gracious about it. 🙂 That's been my personal experience at least.

How are you 'settling in' here?

[DownMoreThanUp]

@AlwaysMyself  Yes i also have found this forum to be supportive going through a hard time. Good to get to know others who understand what suffering is all about.

once wrote a prose about it. i was very ill at the time of writing.

What Can I Say About Suffering

What can I say, about what have I learned from our Heavenly Father? I can see now that evil lies cause pain to be alive within human existence. I have watched how isolation, forces lies down into suffering souls - as The Wicked cut all ties with truthful love and so let our crushing depression generate its own misery in our agonising hell down there.

I know that all lies end up in the Pit - dragging us down living dead. Yet why would I continue to let bad life be dominant in my inner world of awareness and not God's loving truth to rule my every moment instead?

Over time I have learned to see that creeds, values and morals are rules upon rules ruling. Yet still wicked lies spread like maggots through my flesh, killing all goodness within me, because I'm imperfect! To just let such be and move on is best I learned about that.

And so The Word of God spoken in love for God, self and neighbour, is The Voice to heed in our hearts and minds at all times. I have experienced that time brings good and bad, up and down, far and wide for everyone. Yet the power of God's love, as even bad sin and great failings ruled me, couldn't subdue Jesus grace over me as His loving truth set me free to be myself - time and again.

I understand that anguish speaks to those experiencing life truly untrue and lovelessly - and that our Heavenly Father never wanted this to rule His kids! Indeed I know that my wretchedness longs for the demise of all my agony, so that misery may never rule my life again. No more Bad Life overshadowing my here and now, instead complete freedom for me to be me. For in God's loving truth, even through much hurt, I can finally stay on top of things, my loveless lies to hand to Christ as God's Good Life grows within in Return.

I know now that loving truth is the only useful weapon against the forces of evil. Complete freedom for me if I heed God's love in truth to rule my daily life. So why would I foolishly keep letting malefic lies decide my future. Why not forgive, why leave truthful love? While I know that only God's good makes my life a worthwhile experience?

I have seen that life is genuinely worth living in honest loving togetherness. Where everyone who exists is esteemed because they are God made. For our real value lays not in how much gain we can yield for others, but simply because all existence speaks of life's importance to be loved. The communion of Saints - true love loving people doing the loving - is very important therefore.

So I choose loving truthfulness to steer me through those terrible storms down here. For even through extraordinary agony and times of incredible much suffering God's loving truth has preserved my life. His loving goodness keeping me from falling down that hole. As I found that warm-heartedness is truly effective against the deadly chill of devil's breath.