Lived Experience Forum

[Eternallytired]

Hey folks. 
so I've struggled with my mental health for almost two decades, since my early teen years and anxiety even as a young child and ADHD although I wasn't diagnosed until 21.
I've done inpatient treatment, tried countless antidepressants and recently been told I have treatment resistant depression and TMS treatment has been suggested. 
with 3 young kids and TMS requiring 30 sessions with 3-6 sessions a week and no drivers license(thanks anxiety), an hour trip on public transport with agoraphobia, it's a logistical nightmare. Even if I was to do it, I couldn't start til the next school term which is a month away. When I asked my psychiatrist how I survive until then, the response was "exactly how I have been"

I'm exhausted. I have temporary physical health issues going on at the moment probably impacting my mental health more. From the moment I wake up I have feel a sense of impending doom. Constants feelings of guilt and shame. I have little to no executive function and even my ADHD medication hasn't been helping much in the last few weeks.

it all just feels so hopeless, as if im destined to feel this way forever and im terrified of th impact it will have on my children. Trying to keep my chronically disorganized ADHD child organized for school when im chronically disorganized myself is overwhelming. I stopped drinking completely a few months ago as it seemed to be getting out of hand and I thought it would help but honestly I've sunk deeper into depression since. I have such amazing support from my parents abd my husband but I severely downplay how I'm feeling so as not to worry and burden them because they have they're own things they're going through. I just don't know what else to do or where to turn.

[Eternallytired]

Also I think I posted this in the wrong sub thread, apologies.

[TideisTurning]

Hi @Eternallytired & welcome to the Forums! I'm TideisTurning, one of the Peer Support Workers here 😊 

I'm hearing your exhaustion. It sounds like you're going through a lot right now, and with all of that, it doesn't seem any wonder to me why you're so tired. There's a lot going on. Maybe like the wave is gonna crash over you? Of course it feels overwhelming, even a little hopeless. I find that for me, breaking it down as much as I can helps when I start feeling like that, writing down longer term concerns so I can try to put them at least to the back of my mind (if not out of my mind completely) and focus on every moment as it comes. One foot in front of the other. One step at a time. 

I'm sorry to hear about the constant sense of impending doom, and feelings of shame and guilt you're experiencing also. It sounds to me from what you've described like you are doing the very best you can. Struggling is ok. Feel free to keep reaching out here. I hope you'll find some of the support you're so deserving of. Take care 🌼

[NatureLover]

Welcome to the forums, @Eternallytired ! It's good you've joined. I'm sorry for your situation, it sounds very hard 😞

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@Eternallytired wrote:

I just don't know what else to do or where to turn.

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You said you have a psychiatrist - do they do talk therapy, or do you also have a psychologist /counsellor?

I have agoraphobia too, so an hour's trip each way is a huge deal. 😞

I'm glad you have good support from your husband and your parents 🙂

I hope you enjoy the forums and find it supportive here. 

[Anastasia]

Hello @Eternallytired and welcome to the forums 🙏

You have a lot going on, I'm glad you found us. I am flying through in the middle of appointments but saw you and wanted you to know that I hear you and you are not alone. Tag me with an @ at the front of my name so we can stay in touch.

Love and hugs 🤗

[Teej]

Hi @Eternallytired ,

welcome to the forum 😊 

I've passed the raising kids stage now but can identify with parts of what you wrote. I had undiagnosed adhd until very recently as did some of my kids. To tell the truth my kids were raised with total chaos. It took a village to raise them. I was hopeless at school notes and school organisation. I remember the guilt associated with it all. The school would constantly ring about things I'd forgotten. It wasn't until recently that I've come to realise that the school secretary was part of my village and I've been able to let some of that guilt go. At the time I just constantly felt shame at my chaos. I'm writing this as a bit of a note to your future self that the things that are so huge now will become less big and overwhelming over time. 

I also went through a chronic depression where I didn't leave my bed much for about a few years. The only thing I did was keep my relationship with my kids and was able to talk to them everyday about how there day was. 10 years on I can see that this was the most important thing I did. They don't remember the chaos but they do remember me as part of their lives. 

My suggestion as someone who is looking from the outside is that you take each day as it comes. A month will feel like a long time to you, I know it feels like a lifetime when you are in the middle of it, but to those that are part of your village it won't feel that way. The true burden might be if things get worse for you and your depression wins. I know that burden feeling so well. It has dominated so much of my life too. I can say that at some point you'll see that the people that supported you get rewarded when things get a bit better. Again, you have no way of seeing this currently but I hope that you can find some faith and solace in knowing that your future self might look at things very differently. It might take a month, 6 months or 6 years to look back. 

Take care of you and try, as much as you can, to remind yourself that you'll deal with the out of the control anxiety about getting to and going through the TMS a few days before it starts. For now each day is self care, asking for help and just loving your kids. The executive functioning things can be out sourced for now. You are not being a burden just outsourcing some things while you get through this part (just like anyone does when injured or really physically unwell). I've been researching adhd a fair bit lately and there were many people with adhd outsourcing lots of their difficult executive functioning tasks when they are well and teaching themselves to not experience that shame. I think it's something that will become more common for everyone to focus on their strengths, learn strategies for some things and outsourcing others. It's also understandable that your meds are not working enough. Things are hard and feel overwhelming. For me adhd feels like living in overwhelm 24/7. When depression kicks in that overwhelm intensifies so much more, my meds don't help much either. 

At a practical level, my currently grounded self - a rarity 🥴, would advocate to do the things that help quieten your brain, the things that bring some small comfort or distraction. Try to constantly to remind yourself that it's ok to ask others for help and then find some self acceptance that you are doing the best you can for now. 

Best wishes 😊

[SJT63]

@Eternallytired  I echo what @Anastasia said.... can't write a lot right now, but my other half had treatment resistance depression on top of a gazillion other mh issues... he was put into a university study using a popular veterinary medicine and it has changed his life.

will keep in touch.

[Eternallytired]

I emailed about that study as I had heard great things while I was researching but unfortunately they’re not doing intake anymore. With any luck it will be available eventually to anybody that needs it.

[james6]

how did you go with the TMS?
It affected my anxiety in a bad way