Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Needhope]

Hi I am new here and need advice and hope for my adult daughter with BPD.  My own mental health has deteriorated greatly and I am finding it very difficult to deal with her rages.  @BPDSurvivor I am trying to understand if there is any time that she would understand how damaging her behavior is, to both herself and her loved ones? There are times that we interact like we did before BPD and she seems like her old self, does that mean that she understands her unreasonable behavior?  Any advice on how best to deal with the rages is also welcome.  I am struggling to cope.

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Needhope ,

 It sounds so difficult for you at the moment. I’m sorry to hear of the challenges you are facing with your adult BPD daughter.

 In terms of your question, does she ever understand? Yes. Unless there is some impairment or cognitive issue, she certainly understands - but not when she is heightened or triggered.

As soon as the ‘meltdown’ starts, the logical brain is close to non-existent. Only her emotional brain is speaking which means one of the most effective ways is to walk away but let her know you are returning in say, 1 hr. This is a boundary for your own safety, and at the same time, you are telling her you are not leaving/abandoning her.

 When you mentioned she can act pre-BPD too, yes, she can. Borderlines are highly sensitive, yet also very warm, passionate and can thrive when in the right environment. Of course I’m not saying you are not providing the ‘right’ environment, but more so in an environment that doesn’t ‘knock’ her emotionally… which is, in fact, impossible.

 In other words, BPD is about teaching her skills when she is not triggered so that when she is, she can use these skills. BPD is pretty much a condition that is only evident around people. If there were no people and no need for interpersonal relationships, then no one would ever know there was an issue.

Borderlines are hurting so much inside. They don’t yet have the skills to manage this hurt and to regulate their emotions. Trust me, they do feel bad for hurting people and this often causes them to feel worse and perhaps self harm.

 But there is hope. I know because I was one of those borderlines.

 I’m here because people didn’t give up on me.

[TaniaMumof2]

This is me! My 20yo daughter is bpd (no formal diagnosis- she refuses and won’t medicate). I’m learning to now set boundaries with her. It’s hard because of the threats she makes “I don’t want to be here…” etc so of course I want to swoop

in. But I am learning to have boundaries to protect myself and to allow her to gain resilience. Big hugs because I know how hard it is xx

[Needhope]

Thank you so much for the information and support @BPDSurvivor.  I am trying to learn how to best support my daughter who is an amazing person. 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Needhope and @TaniaMumof2 ,

Boundaries are certainly so important. BPD is such a slow moving condition. It takes years to build up and years to recover. Unfortunately, medication is not so effective with BPD itself (mess work with the symptoms of BPD but not the root of it).

Talking therapies are shown to speed up the rate of recovery. Good news is, BPD is not a life long condition. Most people do recover as they learn more helpful coping strategies.

 But I acknowledge this does not take away the hurt every one is currently experiencing. For me, I needed space to find myself. I left home and moved interstate so that I could get away from all the people I knew. I didn’t want to hurt them anymore and I didn’t want to be hurt by them either. 

By separating myself from everything I could blame, I learnt that the issue was ME, MYSELF AND I. I kicked at bucked at treatment because I wanted to blame people, but after moving away, I knew that only I could do the hard work in recovery.

 The road was not easy. I had many involuntary admissions due to being at high risk. I was close to death at times due to self harm. But then, things started picking up and I’ve never gone back since.

I hear it is hard and I’m not denying that. The main thing is that you remember your own self care so that when they need you, you are there.

And yes, I have reconnected with my family. I still live interstate but we have a stronger understanding of each other now. I respect my parents and family, and always will thank them. But I acknowledge I needed my own space to discover myself.

 I’m sitting with you both. I hear the challenges but I also know the strengths of those with BPD.

 I’m hear if you need anything.

[Needhope]

Thank you so much for your support @BPDSurvivor. Can I please ask what age you were when you realized that you were the one that needed to make changes?  I am trying hard to look after myself but it is just so difficult I feel completed defeated.  I want to be a strong and supportive person in my daughters life.

[Needhope]

Hi @TaniaMumof2 thank you for your support. I can I please ask when did you first notice BPD traits?  My daughter also does not have formal diagnosis.  Sending you hugs too xxx

[BPDSurvivor]

Hey @Needhope ,

I can't speak for @TaniaMumof2 , but for me, the traits started in my late teens. I was in my last two years of high school... from being an excellent student to hating school and hardly going.....

Oooo, I didn’t answer your original question so I’ve come back to respond. I realised I had to make changes when I was in my early 30s. About 32-33 years old?

 So that means, from the age of 17 to 32, I struggled immensely.

One thing to remember, never try reasoning with them when they are triggered. Both parties will get hurt (emotionally or physically). Give your daughter space to cool down but don’t forget to remind her you are there for her for when she’s ready.

 When I look back, I know that if anyone ever told me to do something, I’d do the opposite. Not because I was a rebel, but because my head was so out of control that by resisting, it meant I had some form of control. So for me, orders/commands never worked.

My psychologist always says, “I invite you to….” He never tells me to ‘do this now…’

Sorry for blahing so much. I just want to help as much as possible.

[Needhope]

Thank you so much @BPDSurvivor   I appreciate all and any advice. I try very hard to never tell my daughter what to do and definitely don’t argue with her when she is triggered.  I just wish I could help her more and that I was stronger myself.