Lived Experience Forum

[Kessa]

In the last 2 years I’ve broke up with the love of my life, it shattered my heart.  Then lost my Father, favourite Aunty & Cousin who have died.  I lost my job and also because of COVID my teenage son and I now live with my sisters family in there home. My friends have little to do with me now that I am single and they are all couples.  And I had a major devastating falling out with my extended family.

 I have 2 other children one lives in Melbourne, one lives on Wagga they live so far away.  I sit at home every night and weekends with no one to spend time with and nothing to do I have no motivation.

It notice it the most,  like this weekend when my only sister that I live with goes away with her family and I’m her all alone, I can’t hide from the isolation.  I’m fortunate to have found another good job during the week that exhausts me so it gets me through Monday to Friday and pays the bills. 

I have been on high doses of anti depressants since the breakup.  But they don’t cure the loneliness in my heart and soul.  For the first time in my life I have no interest men, I can’t bear the thought of getting hurt again I’m afraid it will be the end of me.   I don’t feel like I can trust anyone with my heart.  

I recently had an amazing opportunity presented to me,  to perform in a major production, and it was hugely successful, I received many accolades.  But I felt nothing inside, no joy, excitement, I was just going through the motions, I have not told anyone this. What is wrong with me!!  I’m an empty shell. 

I do my best to be a kind, loving and caring human being to others, my sister and children tell me that I am.  I’m also a proud women and I’m embarrassed of myself for feeling this way.  I don’t know how to fix this, am I being stupid 😣

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Kessa , thank you for sharing

It really can be hard to feel different, like being single when others around u are in relationships ...

I'm sorry for all the loss and heartbreak u ou are going through

I can relate to being a proud woman, and trying my best and maybe for me not wanting to be fully vulnerable. My shame is enormous.

You are not alone, and it's ok to sometimes not feel so strong. I guess we are all dualities....a  mix of feelings and expressions 

We can be strong women or people, and still want help.

[tyme]

Good Evening @Kessa ,

I'm sorry to hear how difficult things have been recently. Despite not being able to give you a magic wand to 'make it all better', I can say you have found a great place to connect with others who perhaps feel the same way.

Your post reminded me of the years I spent isolated, lonely and depressed. I came to the point where I had no desire to be around anyone and preferred to be home alone - because it was safer. But this didn't stop the loneliness. I was so empty and void within me.

Therapy taught me the skills to re-engage with the world....I started with baby steps, and am still that way. However, despite living alone, I don't feel lonely one bit! Like you, work keeps me going, and when I don't have found I actually now WANT to reach out and connect with others.

These forums were a god-send to me. I started reconnecting with people on the forums because this was safer than real life. From there, I began mingling with people in the real world.

From what you have posted, it sounds more like you are going through a cycle of grief. Loss brings grief. It is a natural cycle that all people go through. If you do a search on the stages of grief you may be able to see where you are currently sitting.

All the best,

tyme

[tyme]

Hugs @EternalFlower  - beautifully put post 🙂

[Eve7]

Hi @Kessa  and welcome to the forum where I hope you will receive support from others in similar situations.

I am sorry for your loss. Grief can take us down a long, lonely path. We are never the same and nor would we want to be but that doesn’t necessarily mean we are doomed to a life of misery either.

I lost my husband, father and aunt in quick succession and I know what it’s like to have great things happen yet still feel flat and alone.

when my h died all my friends were couples but now after a few years more of my friends are alone so I’m slowly having a social life again.

Please take care and listen to the people who believe in you for they are right 💙

[Kessa]

Thank you

Your words resonate with me and yes it is shame that I feel too! And thank you for letting me know other people like myself have similar experiences, makes me feel a little less alone x

[tyme]

@Kessa ,

Yes, you are not alone 

tyme, @Eve7 

[Kessa]

Hi there,

thanks for replying, I truely hope you are right about finding people to connect with, it’s like I’ve forgotten how to connect.  And just from these couple of replies I have received already, you have similar stories to my own!  

And I like the idea of trying to reconnect in this forum because yes I do feel safer.

I didn’t consider that I could still be grieving?  Within a couple of months of my partner leaving me I lost my father and 6 months after that my Aunt!  At the time they passed I felt nothing just cut off from the world, again I have told no one because I thought they would think me cold and uncaring.

Thank you again

[Kessa]

Thank you 

Yes, I’m already seeing that many of our life situations are so similar.

sorry for your losses too.  And Thank you for also mentioning that I’m grieving! I hadn’t even considered that it could be happening to me.  Your acknowledgement of great things happening but still feeling flat & alone helps me feel a little less crazy. Especially if it is tied to grief.

Maybe I will look into grief counselling x

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Kessa 

Grief counselling sounds like a good idea.  Its not that long by the sound of it.

I found that I did not feel I ought to enjoy myself as a lack of loyalty to my loved ones who had passed.  It has been a while now and I do give my permission, and joy and a good range of feelings have come back into my life.

Gently Bently

Apple