Lived Experience Forum

[Scream58]

Since my friend told me on Tuesday that the fact I forgot her birthday has put her in a depressive state I can't get past the feelings of guilt. I can't stand the thought of being the cause of someone's depression. My suicidal and self harm thoughts are with me all the time. I came close to acting on them yesterday. Luckily I fell asleep. I woke with my "tool" in my hand. 

I can't tell her how I feel because then it becomes a blame game and I know I am to blame.

I got so focused on my own mental health I let relationships slip. I had withdrawn from everyone, family included. On Monday I started to come out of that state and spent time with both my son's and my grandkids. 

Now I'm worse than ever. I don't want to do this anymore. 

[Peregrinefalcon]

Hey @Scream58 

I am so sorry to hear how tough things are. Please know that we are here sitting with you now in this and all care about you.

Of course, do not hesitate to reach out to a crisis service (000; Lifeline 13 11 14; Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467) to keep yourself safe right now.

I have also sent an email checking in with you too.

Take good care of yourself today, we are here to support 💛

Kind regards

Peregrinefalcon

[Historylover]

That's quite a guilt trip your 'friend' put on you @Scream58. Was she suicidal as a result?

My mother once forgot it was my birthday. I shrugged it off. These things happen! Your friend should stop being so childish and manipulative, in my opinion. 

Just say "Sorry" once and move on. And forgive yourself fgs. 

[wellwellwellnez]

Oh I can relate a lot to those feelings your talking about. I have to manage my social-batteries and attachments so much. With that kind of juggling act it be hard to not give off the wrong impression sometime.

Sounds like your friend might be dealing with some attachment or maybe some other kind of concerns going on. It's been a tricky re-adjustment time for a lot of us (both recently and before recently, really). I wouldn't take it all on board yourself. I think it's mainly something that we as a general society are still working out how to be good at again. I mainly put it down to teething-problems in the communication-age.

One step at a time. Remembering to dwell on the tastes of life's nectar as we go. That's what will get us there.

[Scream58]

@wellwellwellnez 

We have been friends for over 60 years. 

I'm still adjusting to life after a stroke in November which means my memory isn't quite what it used to be. I'm also going through some really heavy stuff in counseling. This was in the pipeline prior to my stroke. I was on a waitlist and was assigned a therapist in February. I've had four sessions so far.

I feel like there has now been a shift in our relationship and I need to tone down discussions about me and my health.

[Scream58]

@Historylover 

I've said sorry, through tears. I would hope she would know this wasn't deliberate. 

My sons have forgotten my birthday. I'm past putting any huge importance on birthdays. Just another day. I turned off Facebook birthday reminders so I don't have that constant, in your face, "it's xxx birthday today". 

[Historylover]

@Scream58 I'm with you on the relative unimportance of birthdays. I don't know your friend but I have to say how immature! Life deals us some savage blows but if she responds like this to an unintentional oversight, I'd hate to see how she responds to serious events. 

A little oversight and two people are in trauma! Ay Yay Yay!

Sending happy thoughts your way and a few for your friend. I hope she soon comes to her senses. Such a long-standing friendship should be more resilient than that.

[Scream58]

If the cost of my therapy and self-care is damage to relationships then maybe the price is too high.

[wellwellwellnez]

You seem to be indicating that the health discussions are getting a bit much for your friend lately. I'm resisting the temptation to read to much into that. It's possible there might be something they're not feeling ready to deal with. And, if that's the case, that's fine. People are ready when they're ready. It could also be that more more of a "getting on with it" type. Could be lot's of reasons really. I will completely cease reading into it...... starting now.

I like your being frank with your concerns about friendships and therapy balance. Psycho-social approach is everything, for pretty much everyone. Especially these days. Therapy should be enhancing relationships. There's a lot of science saying yes to networks. I'd recommend bringing this up with your health team. The training and awareness around the psycho-social side is in getting better and more prioritized.

The background you provided puts a lot of things into perspective. I learned from a yogi book somewhere a while ago that long-term relationships are built on common goals. Same with mate-ship, politics and romance. With a friendship that long, you both would of been through changes before and I'm also making a light bet that there were shared values (or something comparable) that kept you backing each other. I think that's a big part of the real difference between silver and gold friendships.

[Scream58]

@wellwellwellnez 

My friend is ok with health discussions, as long as they are not about my health.

The problem with therapy is I allow the therapist to convince me that my feelings matter. The universe has other ideas and is quick to jump in to put me back in my place. I've redeployed my old coping mechanisms. Put my feelings away so I don't hurt others. Now I can smile and say I'm fine without fear of bursting into tears.