Lived Experience Forum

[Jodezlee47]

TW: Child Abuse

I dont know how to address this situation i am in, i should be angry at my parents for not guiding me and letting it go this far

But as a adult, who has felt fear, shame, confusion and was raised around chaos has made me grow as a woman and really take a look at all sides of this situation and observe life and everyone that comes with it

I have had to grow up with no professional guidance or support or even consistent professional help.

I feel like if i bring all my childhood trauma up and upsetting the family members i do have by bringing up a situation that went down 20 years ago, it effects them all still the same and to be honest I don’t trust anyone in my family.

All i know is

I feel like the system has set me up for failure, i don’t remember once having consistent mental health checkups or mandatory mental health assessments for being exposed to domestic abuse and possible childhood incest molestation

The way i look at it is that even if it happened or not i still went through the trauma of witnessing my parents have domestics and argue about me, not only that allegations were made by me accusing my father at just 2 years old and it carried on from 1998-2004 as documented on files I have

I was seperated from my mother and interviewed by police and everyone else that was involved and it wasn’t one interview, that within itself is a trauma for a child under 5 years old, the first 5 years of your life are the most important because you’re brain development and emotional regulation skills are mean’t to be evolving but instead as the saying goes “you’re a product of your environment” and my environment was consistent with dysfunctional and unstable & overwhelming emotions that was way to consistent at such a young age; i understand that the courts came to a compromise or something towards the end of the court process and i have so many unanswered questions and my age made it more difficult but I would have thought think that it would make of a urgency to keep the child who’s gone through years of family domestics and abuse allegations, just because I couldn’t put my words together didn’t mean It wasn’t going to catchup with me when I learned how to speak properly.

All i know is, that i have always felt unsafe, like im not in reality or living my life myself.

I have grown up and became a fully grown woman with no sense of self and lacking my sense of direction with self taught knowledge on psychology and mental health so I can atleast understand the labels I have been stuck with.

I know right for wrong, i know i can get up and make changes drastically and thrive when I’m really good but I thrive best alone and I am not good with being alone , but no matter what direction i head towards it all leads back to the same old questions… where does all my fear come from?

And the main one is… where was the professionals that take it into their duty of care to make sure the victim in the situation has a chance at a decent life and not put them on the path of constant confusion and chaos, I lost faith in my parents long before the case was closed so I don’t know why the system had to go and let me down too…

It makes me sad, i have never had a true sense of self, my life feels like short flash backs that i can only just remember and feel, I feel so much and so many emotions at once; when it comes to my childhood or even teens i can’t speak confidently when it comes to my past unless i remember while im talking n have confidence up but after that i blank out again

I could go on for so long about things that are going wrong for me but I can tell you this, after years of being scared of my past I am ready to speak up for my self, I am traumatised and I don’t think its my fault and I shouldn’t have to pay for it now as a adult.

I need help but I don’t know what kind any more because I have gained a lot more than one issue over the years

My father has disappeared completely and I have no chance at closure, I feel like it’s emotional damage that is my down fall, constant fear of abandonment or even completely isolate myself all the time, i am medicated for diagnosed disorders such as childhood complex ptsd and BPD, early childhood trauma

These labels are going to follow me for the rest of my life and also the medication

I cannot and haven’t been able to afford treatment for the last 5 years due to no funds for it, i am my mothers full time carer and I am responsible for most things that need to be done and some days are hard and I sometimes feel so useless it could destroy me

Compensation isn’t just money for me, it’s a life changer for therapy, to learn more n to become better

As I said my father has disappeared and he has left me to pick up the pieces alone and my mother is 65 and she is unwell living off pay check to pay check, we already support eachother asmuch as we can

But I know if I had the right therapy and guidance before I turn 30 I might have had a chance in this world

This letter is my last chance …

This letter has taken me a long time to write I have put a lot of myself into this and I am nervous to share it but this is my story and this is the only way I know how to explain how my early childhood trauma effects me as a adult

[Former-Member]

Hi @Jodezlee47,

I am sorry to hear that you’re struggling. You have been through so much 💔. 

Do you have access to therapy? I understand that funds are tight for you, did you know that the government offer 20 subsided counseling sessions per year? Not sure how accessible attending face to face therapy is for you, but there are some great over the phone services available too.

Here is a link to the government site explaining how the 20 subsidised sessions and how to set these up for yourself. 

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/amp/article/low-cost-or-free-mental-health-services

And here is some more information from Services Australia on Mental Health Care Plans and Medicare. 

https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/mental-health-care-and-medicare?context=60092

And here is a link for Bark. This is a site that allows you to access a range of counselling services in your area or online. 

https://www.bark.com/en/au/counselling/?nrfp=true&cid=11472173214&aid=118936298064&dt=m&trk_ad_id=47...

We also have a few services on offer. We offer a Drop In Service and Guided Service.

Drop in Service

https://www.sane.org/get-support/drop-in-service

Guided Service 

https://www.sane.org/referral

The issues you raised are very deep and have been present longterm. This can make it very difficult to even start to gain closure and make sense of how it is affecting your adult life.

Sometimes these larger systems, such as the courts, do not account for anything outside their own jurisdictions and this can leave people at a loss after going through them. Especially around the mental health issues raised from the traumatic situations that put you in the system or the stresses of going through the systems themselves. Furthermore, recognising certain situations, such as abuse and domestic violence, and their affects on short and long term mental health has only been recent. This has left people like yourself with a long term impact. It’s not fair and certainly not helpful. 

I am glad to hear that you and your mum are close, even if your situation throws oodles of stress and heartache at you both. 

I am on the forums tonight if you want to chat xx 

Hugs,

Sunshineandsea