Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

So I know it's the start of 2022 already but I have a lot on my mind and since I only joined these forums a bit over a week ago, I figure I'd make a start with an intro of my own.

To start with, I can't delve too much into my disability issues and life history as I don't want to blow my annonymity. Also, if any of the mods would like to email me, please feel free to do so, if you're concerned about what I've written in this post.

I've been awake all night and all of last night, too. I did have a few hours of sleep after a good excursion today. Some nameless people are worried about me, so if I worry any of you either, I'm sorry about that. I just want to let off some steam and talk a bit about myself so I figure the most appropriate place would be the welcome section.

Anyway, a lot has happened over the past two weeks. I will have to deal with a lot more hardships this year, I'm afraid. There's too many things I need to speak to a psychologist about, and no matter how much I speak to Lifeline counsellors, my conflicts are never-ending. There are too many bad experiences in my life that I just can't get past. Oddly, I can look forward to a lot of good things in my life as well, but due to my bad experiences, I can't decide if I want to keep going because of the good parts of my life, or just chuck it all in and miss out on my entire life altogether? It's not as though I want to lose out on everything good that has ever happened in my life. I just don't want the abuse and betrayal either. I don't want my disability. If I were allowed to expose my entire life history on here, I'd be writing for days.

My family: a few incidents over the years have really hurt me. Very, very badly. A few family members have let me down. There has been estrangement and disownment as well. I am sooooo infuriated about a number of unresolved problems which will never be resolved, knowing what my family dysfunction is like. I'm also expected to feel grateful about a family member's military service. Due to some grievances, I feel grateful about the military but not about the person or the shit I've overheard. At times I feel frightened and at other times I feel upset. I have a lot of things to distract me so I'm still safe.

Then there's the NDIS. Then there's the length of time it took to find the right type of mental health support and medical treatments. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Last week it all exploded. And I left my explosion at the hospital and came home reasonably stable. Now, I don't know how long my current stability will last, I don't know if I'll be admitted back into the hospital, or when I'll go back there. i actually hope I can continue my mental health treatment at home. But of course if I go back to the hospital, that's how it is, I guess. But I'd rather hope I don't go back.

My support network is getting on board with me in the coming weeks, so unless I have another major breakdown, I'm safe at home for the time being. I'm not happy about a few circumstances, but luckily my actual living situation is safe, so I can essentially put these circumstances aside, even though I'm rather irritated by these circumstances. Again, my support network will help me out, which is bloody good news for me!

I can't bloody stand conflict. I've read so much stuff on here about conflict, and honestly the blame game just doesn't work, yet I know so many people who still continue to throw blame around. And I'm sick of it. You guys on here are fine, it's some things happening in real life not on these forums, which is getting to me. I've been having to keep away from most people lately due to my volatile temper, I don't want to end up back in the psych ward so soon lol! I guess when I see my GP next week and tell him how bad my sleeping schedule is, I'll find out what needs to happen then. I'm honestly getting exhausted. I started to recover from exhaustion over the week, but it's coming back again. I guess it'll be my turn to take a bit of a hiatus from these forums for a week, even though I love you guys so much and the support I get and give back on here, despite us all being strangers under pseudonyms and some people knowing one another off the forums.

If you've read this so far, thanks so much! I just wanted to put an introduction to myself on here and let you all know that even though I'm ok for now, my thoughts keep getting to me and I'm doing all it takes not to go insane and scream. I'm also preventing myself from causing conflict with other people over things I don't wish to forgive due to a few factors, and also because of issues I feel aren't being understood when people choose not to listen to me. So rather than blow up, I'd rather just write on here and talk to my support network. At this time I've been asking for full supervision from my trusted network around other people so I don't lose my safe environment or my own health and well-being, and worse.

There's a heck of a lot more I could write, but I'm getting tired and I don't want to burden or bore everyone with my insane musings, despite me having to live this half-decent, half bull-shitty life. Xxxxooo

[Anastasia]

Hi @Former-Member and welcome 👍🤸‍♀️🙏

It's good to have you here 💞

[Emelia8]

Hello again @Former-Member and thanks for introducing yourself.  It has been lovely to see you getting around the forums and supporting many other members over the past week since you joined.  And I am happy, though not surprised, that you have discovered that the forums are a great support network.  I am very sorry to read some of what you are dealing with in your real life.  It sounds like a lot.  I hope you continue to find support, understanding and comfort here on the forums ... whilst at the same time getting the professional support offline that you need.  Please feel free to tag me into any discussion you have elsewhere.

Emelia 🌸

[Bow]

Hi @Former-Member I've seen you about the forums but haven't actually spoken yet, but welcome. I hope you find some good connections here and safe place to continue to share. 

you write well. And I can relate to a lot of what you have just shared here, especially the part about being undecided about staying or going, the good and the bad. 

wishing you well 

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @Former-Member 

Thank you for sharing your story and welcome. Time is such a precious commodity and I got the feeling from your writing that you're spending a lot of your time feeling frustrated and focusing your thoughts on things that might be causing frowns. 

Can I ask you what it is that brings a smile to your face? How much smiling would you say you are doing at the moment, really smiling and laughing and how much energy do you have to put towards it? I look forward to seeing you around the forums. 

[Owen45]

You are so lucky to have a support network. I can only dream of that.  I got no support, not a living soul to check on my condition. 

[AussieRecharger]

@Owen45 You alright there buddy?  Sounds like you might have had a lonely Christmas.. Did you already have your own post open?

[Former-Member]

@Owen45 This is very sad to hear! I hope you find a good support network eventually. I hope you'll be ok.

[Former-Member]

@AusieRecharger sometimes I smile and laugh. Most of the time I'm too depressed and frustrated. I've got my ways of escaping though, but that's about it unfortunately. Life is too depressing for me but lying in my comfortable bed, eating and reading, and interacting on these forums helps me somewhat. I'm wasting energy on things I can't fix because I wish the issues hadn't become a problem in the first place (another long story). Tomorrow I'm going out and I'm sure something will be said to me that will make me laugh! My support workers know how to make me giggle lol! We do all sorts of fun activities!

[AussieRecharger]

@Former-Member Thats awesome you have good support workers. I know they can be like paid friends, but the good ones can make life changes so much more enjoyable. 

Do you have a positive goal for 2022?  Like reading 52 books over the year or even writing a chapter a month of your own book?