trying to be hopeful

[Rory180]

I honestly really struggle with this. Everyone always says be hopeful and you’ll get through it but some days hit me so hard.

TW: Past Trauma/SH/SI

Content/trigger warning

I was so young. And it happened for years. From my brother. I think I struggle the most with and never admit is sometimes I think I trick myself into think I made it all up. Like I dreamed it or it’s my fault. And I have to spend hours convincing myself that it’s real yet I’m still unsure. I don’t know how I could imagine it all but memory of it is very limited. My family being on my brothers side really broke me. And the people I trusted the most and spoke to about it abandoning me really hurt. Last year I tried to take melt life [edited by moderator] on a more positive note edited by moderator] I’m very proud I stayed strong. I think sometimes I just want to take to someone who’s been through it too. Someone who can relate to me do I feel seen and my emotions feel valid. I sometimes also feel so physically repulsed by my body because of it. I just want to eject myself out of it. I’m trying to find gelo but counseling is expensive and sadly I can barely afford rent and food. Feeling guilty for feeling resentment I also felt this so much. Something about him being my brother and hsving asperger’s it makes me feel like the villain for saying something. Maybe i should’ve stayed silent. 

Anyway just wanting to share how i’m feeling currently 

[Glisten]

👋🏼 G’day @Rory180 Welcome to the Forum. I’m so happy that you posted your truth and chose to reach out on the Forum.

How have you felt since your post?

Are you in a safe space? 

You have every right to feel the way you feel.

Have you got a GP?

G

[MJG017]

Welcome to the forum @Rory180.  I don't have any personal experience with what you've had to endure but I wanted to reach out and say that in no way should you feel guilty or at fault in any way, shape or form!  I think a lot of people in a similar position do stay silent and I've never heard anyone say it improved things or made things better.  It must be so difficult when you do speak up and no one wants to listen, or even believe.  I don't know, but it sounds like some people just don't want to believe the truth and convince themselves that it must be a lie or something and so that becomes easier to accept that dealing with the truth.

Of course that doesn't help you, and just makes it so much harder to deal with.  So reach out to who ever you can and get the support you need.  There are some free support services listed here you could use.  My PG put me on a mental health care plan a few months back and I get 10 subsidised visits to a psychologist a year.  It's not a lot, and still costs me a gap fee (which I just found out is going up to $50 from $32!!) so it's not free.  I'm so lucky to have a partner who works full time and can help me financially, but I completely understand how difficult it is to get professional help when you don't have enough money to spare for these services.  I would love to have more regular visits, but I'm fortunate to get that financial help to get the ones I do now.

Sadly, I really don't have much other advice to give you.  Other than staying silent would only just make it so much worse in the end and you really need to focus on what is best for you now.  It seems your family aren't being much help there so maybe just distancing yourself from them while you get some support would be beneficial.  Posting your story is here shows you're on the right track, opening up and looking for support.  It's never easy, but keep trying, stay as strong as you can and be kind to yourself.  You've shown strength so far so keep using that and that hope will start to become clearer.  I really hope you can find some extra support from someone soon and don't have to feel alone in this.  The very best of luck to you Rory.

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Rory180 

Welcome to the forums 👍🙂

I'm sorry that your truth wasn't met with support by your family. Reclaiming your voice, your body, your narrative, reclaiming yourself again isn't easy. But they are the steps for YOUR life and you can be very proud of yourself! 

You aren't alone, there are people that have gone through similar things. This here and The Phoenix Support & Advocacy Service may provide some extra resources for you if you feel ready. 

Sane also offer: 

SANE's Support Services ( https://www.sane.org/get-support) including SANE's Guided Service for further ongoing support
Support Line: 1800 187 263 (10AM - 8PM)
Email: getsupport@sane.org

Wanting to eject yourself from your body, I really understand that feeling 😢 Sometimes cold water swimming, yoga and things like that help for me.

Keep reaching out 💜