Thoughts on birthdays and ptsd

[fruitisgood]

This isn't something I've talked about much to anyone. 

I'm feeling uncharacteristically protective of my birthday. 

Historically when the day rolls around, I often get really anxious, and when the day nears I learned downplay it's meaning and importance to me. As a child my birthdays were not pleasant affairs, often feeling neglected, forgotten about, and after a certain age I stopped receiving heartfelt gifts from my parents.  

So when I became an adult I'd put on the front that they don't matter, it's just another day etc .. 

But recently I discovered that's not how I actually feel. I like having one day of the year where I'm made a fuss of. 

But now I feel like I've become almost a 'birthzilla' in that I worry the day will be ruined by others and by trying to control that day I end up not having a good time. which adds to anxiety. 

I don't want to be like this either, it feels like the other extreme. 

It's like I don't trust that others will care enough to want to make me feel special. and that's a sucky feeling to have 😞 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @fruitisgood it sounds like you've done some real self-reflection around this. 

It seems like both approaches to your birthday are ways of protecting yourself and preventing disappointment, they're just two different approaches aren't they? 

I wonder if you've been able to talk to some of your friends and loved ones about this and let them know why your birthday is important to you? 

[Casualmagic]

First of all, thank you for sharing so openly. It sounds like this is something that is really difficult and has probably been like this for a long time. From talking to my friends who have also struggled with their mental health, birthdays can often be a very tricky time of year for a number of reasons, so you are certainly not alone!

You deserve to be made a fuss of and spoilt and I think it's really amazing that you have recognised that this is how you feel. 

I totally get the fear of controlling the day so much that it "ruins it". As a very anxious person myself, I can often set expectations about a situation or event and get really upset if it doesn't go to plan. If this is your first birthday where you want to have a bit of a celebration maybe you could try to reflect on the purpose of celebrating rather than what you want the day to look like. For example, maybe you want to feel connected and valued by those around you. You could try communicating that to whoever you want to celebrate with, or if that's too hard you could just reflect on it personally. That way hopefully you're less likely to stress about smaller details throughout the day and more likely to feel as though it went well.

I am sure that others care about you way more than you realise and at a minimum, I'm sending you lots of birthday wishes and a virtual cake... because you deserve to feel special!

Regardless of what you do, I hope you have a great day!

[Darkness21]

Thanks for sharing, it can be very hard to share your experiences so you should be proud of that.

I just want to say I really feel what you are going through, I completely understand and you are not alone in this. I feel a similar way on my birthday too. I have been abandoned a lot that when it comes around it gives me massive anxiety and makes me think who is going to abandon me next. I have felt like my birthday has always been the time when people abandon me.

However I I feel the same way as I would love to be spoilt and made a fuss of for that one day a year. 

It’s definitely a thing that will take time. Baby steps of celebrating with some friends and family just going out for dinner is a great start. I tend to try and do something like that. 

Just know you are not alone. 

[Rah]

I am the same and similar experiences as you … I make sure with our four daughters I’ve always made their birthdays special and a positive , they don’t know how it was for me and my feelings surrounding my own , so I found myself working through it inadvertently because I didn’t want them to develop the same negativity around my birthday. Sort of fake it til I make it.  
That said I’ve always kept mine low low key ,simple as and what I want to do (never a suprise party as that’s my worst nightmare 😂). 

I think you start out quiet and simple … low key .