First of all, thank you for sharing so openly. It sounds like this is something that is really difficult and has probably been like this for a long time. From talking to my friends who have also struggled with their mental health, birthdays can often be a very tricky time of year for a number of reasons, so you are certainly not alone!

You deserve to be made a fuss of and spoilt and I think it's really amazing that you have recognised that this is how you feel. 

I totally get the fear of controlling the day so much that it "ruins it". As a very anxious person myself, I can often set expectations about a situation or event and get really upset if it doesn't go to plan. If this is your first birthday where you want to have a bit of a celebration maybe you could try to reflect on the purpose of celebrating rather than what you want the day to look like. For example, maybe you want to feel connected and valued by those around you. You could try communicating that to whoever you want to celebrate with, or if that's too hard you could just reflect on it personally. That way hopefully you're less likely to stress about smaller details throughout the day and more likely to feel as though it went well.

I am sure that others care about you way more than you realise and at a minimum, I'm sending you lots of birthday wishes and a virtual cake... because you deserve to feel special!

Regardless of what you do, I hope you have a great day!