Running

[avant-garde]

"Behind every strong person is a story that gave them no choice"

My life is all about a lack of choice. 

I'm alive because death would've outed him, it would have sealed his fate in prison. 

TW: cultic, rape, trafficking, torture

I'm the daughter of a Satanist...

One trained to breed...

One pregnant at 6 years old...

One prostituted to whoever could afford her...

The girl her dad didn't want...

One men hired to have fun with...

One men experimented with...

One who was tortured for speaking up...

One trained for the sole purpose to please her buyer...

Regardless of age...

Still though...

One who never stayed silent...

One who broke free... twice...

One who rose up...

One who seeks to prove them wrong...

One who has been running for 15 years...

One who just needs to feel heard...

One who went through hell and survived...

That this Phoenix can rise...

She will not be burned...

She's proven that...

I have proven that...

I'm 35 and 90% of those I've been in prolonged abusive situations insufficient evidence for prosecution

A system that protects the abuser more than the survivor

And yet I still try

I don't try for me, I try for the ones after me, the ones like me, that they will see their justice

But for now I run...

From a dad that wants me silenced...

From the nightmares that plague my sleep...

From the memories that invade my mind...

From the choices made for me...

Didn't expect that to come out as poetic as it did

[Cleo2]

Very poetic.

[avant-garde]

TW: drug and alcohol use

I had an iron transfusion today... I didn't expect to be quite that triggered...

TW: Abuse

Content/trigger warning

you see... I was 14 when I chose not to be compliant... chose to say no to him... and... well... it got bad... very very quickly...

if I wasn't going to obey... then he made me... knock me out and inject me... that I felt everything and couldn't do anything about it! I couldn't do anything! I couldn't move...

So I've never willingly done drugs or had alcohol... but I can't say that I don't have a history of them...

@Former-Member is right when saying I don't give myself enough credit... I know I don't... 

[avant-garde]

The fact that I can't insert these trigger boxes on my tablet is frustrating... but anyway...

I'm a mum... of kids taken too soon...

TW: satanic ritual abuse, rape, abortion

Content/trigger warning

I was what they called a breeder... a girl used for the sole purpose of producing children to sacrifice... a girl sexually stimulated in her earliest memory... a girl who had her first period when she was 6 years old... and her first child sacrificed at 7... a child they aborted and made to ritually consume... to become one of them...

I didn't know any different...

45 children that I remember... and many that I don't...

Monday will be the anniversary of the second abortion memory... also the monsters birthday... I pray for the day he goes to hell... that he may know the torment...

[avant-garde]

Ha! I found a way! Success! 

Now what I actually came here to write...

I hate Christmas... I hate Santa... and I hate everything it never was for me...

TW: rape, drugs, alcohol, abuse

Content/trigger warning

I hate that I have more memories of Santa raping me than I do sitting on his knee
I hate that it was my busiest time of year because people were bored and wanted good sex
I hate that I didn't see outside for months at Christmas because I was tied to a bed with a line of men who paid for me
I hate that I was starved into submission or unconscious from alcohol or drugged into submission
I hate that I never knew summer holidays but instead summer slavery
I hate the end of year celebrations where I was the main attraction in my red and white lingerie and the men all around me for me to give them their blow jobs
I hated being raped constantly by Santa after Santa after Santa.
I hate that the pastors wives bought me for their husbands for Christmas
I hate how busy January was with all the sex vouchers men got for Christmas

I hate that I can't eat Christmas cake or pudding or fruit mince pies because people ask and it just reminds me of why and everything I've gone through

I hate that it feels so wrong to be a Christian who hates Christmas because of what it became for me...

[avant-garde]

I've been running for 15 years with people who can identify me in every state of this country of ours.

My experiences are quite distinct, I need to feel safe to post here. 

I feel like no one has any idea just how careful I have to be in what I write, who I share with, where I go. 

I don't post my location for a reason, all of Australia is hot and that fact is for every state at different times. 

I've been found on forums before and been found and abused as a result. 

I panic every time, you know the hell I've gone through and I can't go back to that.

I. Can't. Be. Found. 

So please, for my sanity and my safety I ask not to be included in location specific groups. 

@tyme @PeppyPatti @Oaktree 

Thank you @Glisten for respecting this, I already know you do, I've noticed

[Glisten]

@avant-garde you have my full support.

You have every right to feel your feelings.

No one will judge you here. 

[tyme]

Thank you for sharing @avant-garde ,

Yes, it's so so important that we remember anonymity in terms of names, locations as so forth.

I respect what you have shared. 

Whilst some people don't mind mentioning the state or city, I recognise that you don't feel comfy with ANY location - and that's okay.

Thank you @avant-garde 

@Cleo2 @Glisten @Shaz51 

[avant-garde]

There was a church that I loved before the one I'm in... a church that was deceived just as much as I was... a church that took the deceivers word over mine... it's a church that still holds a place in my heart...

I don't hate them like I used to...

After three years I got sent away... not to a mental hospital... but to an abusive religious rehab who didn't believe all that had happened to me and brainwashed me to believe the same...

They... they... I... letters... restitution... I had to... I had to...

The church... the one that I dearly loved... that saved me from my parents... from the life I was in... threw me back because of these letters that said I had been lying...

I wasn't lying though...

My pastor started lying to me to force me into situations with them... believed that the more time I spent with them that I would see they're not a threat...

He was so very wrong... but wouldn't listen to me... that I was the mentally unstable delusional one...

It was this church that I was reminded of on Sunday... a friend of mine became a grandma recently and the pastor who did the baptism was one that I knew... from then...

It became another church that became a risk... another place I have to avoid to keep me safe... another reminder of the life I loved but was destroyed because of idiots... another place to run from...

@Ru-bee 

[Ru-bee]

I'm really sorry to hear what you've been through and the painful memories that you've had to relive @avant-garde though I'm glad that you have this space to share.

I hear that you've lost several safe places in this way, I hope that these forums can be a safe place for you 💜