Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Determined]

@Stacey_N my darling was told to leave me by her then psychiatrist  as I was the source of all of her problems,

A psychologist I was seeing told me to leave my darling as she was the source of all my problems. When I said that was never going to happen and the reason I was there was to get some support so I could better support my darling he told me he could not help me and that was the end of that. I never went back to anyone until after a complete burnout, something I still have not recovered from years later. 

[Stacey_N]

*health professionals

[Determined]

@Never_Lose_Hope it is great you are able to support friends in that way, something I wish I had, instead I worked hard to make excuses for my darling and cover for her in the interests of protecting her. This  turned out to be socially isolating and unsustainable. It make me happy to see you supporting  friends in this way. 

[Determined]

@Stacey_N while there are some real gems out there in my experience they are few and far between and the term 'proffesional' is used very loosely in te field of mental health.

(And I mean no disrespect to the true professionals) 

[EK1]

@Never-Lose-Hope - I have been lucky at least as far as my son's treatment and diagnosis - as he was only 17 at the time my husband and I were fully involved with his initial assessments at the hospital and with a private psychiatrist since then - I have been able to have appts with his psychiatrist on occasion when my son has been really struggling and I always go in at the end of his appointments which was my son's request right from the start -so I feel we have been well supported - his first therapist maybe not so much but his subsequent one has been amazing although sadly she is now on a year long maternity leave

[Stacey_N]

Hi @Shaz51

@Lauz  It was a long time between each attempt to source help. After a couple of failed attemps with psychological therapy and failed attempts for myself to be able to be involved, I suggested my husband see a psychiatrist and I am very fortunate that he agreed. I kept doing my own research and the psychiatrists (2) actually allowed me to provide information. The more I did my own research and stumbled across different symptoms and behaviours that resonated with my husband the more determined I was to keep going. It did take a lot to keep going and not lose hope.

[Lauz]

Thats great to hear that you have all pushed through, doing your own research is a good pointer too @Stacey_N  

Digging further into experiences with your loved one, one of the more known symptoms of BPD is the effect it has on a person’s management of relationships and the behaviours within a relationship dynamic. How has this impacted your relationship?

[Stacey_N]

@Determined

There is still a lot of stigma around BPD even amongst the professionals. With the 'lived experience' workforce growing with peer workers etc, we can hopefully encourage the accountability of professionals and reduce the stigma.

[Determined]

You did well to keep going like that @Stacey_N. I just burried myself in work formfar too long. It took a pretty big crisis for me to try again. 

[Stacey_N]

Thanks @Lauz

Our relationship has had (and continues to do so) many highs and lows, but unlike ‘normal’ relationships, more often than not, the highs are really high and the lows are really low. There are peaks and troughs in my husband’s moods daily, which used to leave me wondering what I had said or done. Often there are nasty, volatile comments that hurt so deeply and I wonder how someone who is supposed to love me could treat me so badly. But I now know that it not about me at all, it is my husband’s immediate response to relieve his pain, shame, guilt (or any trigger). His response is a form of self preservation, without any ability to control his words or actions at that given moment. There are bouts of extreme anger, which can be fearful, but I have learned how to react by not escalating the situation, sometimes not even being able to leave the situation (assuming there is no threat of harm) which can also occur and at times where I have felt unsafe I have had to put my own safety as a priority. Later there is usually a huge amount of shame, guilt and remorse from my husband. Behaviours come across as manipulative, spiteful, and I wouldn’t tolerate them from anybody else, let alone be friends with them, or be married to them. But here I am, I love my husband and the only way I have managed to get through is to fully immerse myself in education about BPD, an understanding of my husband’s behaviours being a response to his inability to make sense of and control/regulate his emotions, not about me and anything I have done (largely, we are all human). It is not a ‘normal relationship’, it never will be, it is hard, often unpleasant, but often loving, caring and worthwhile. I have two choices, leave or stay, but I realise that if I stay I need to accept that the relationship is not what I imagined my fairytale relationship to be and despite the passing thoughts that I can’t leave because my husband wouldn’t cope without me, or wouldn’t remain safe etc, if I stay in this relationship it needs to be because I want to, not because I feel I have to.

Does this relationship struggle resonate with others?