I feel so bad all the time like ever since I was younger my cousin had been SA me and I feel like me coming out about it has contributed to me feeling so bad all the time. I also had a really traumatic experience with an ex of mine which he was my brother best friend (I know it was wrong and we arent in contact at all) he SA'd me and none of my siblings seem to believe me as it probably sounds like a lie because they read the msgs of me talking about it with him which I didnt mean.
I know that I just accept everything and go along with things to make people happy and thats what I did with him I felt like I couldnt go back to my siblings anyway because I betrayed them. I felt like if I left him I'd have no one. I feel like I hurt them really badly which I did because I also started talking shit about them with my ex and they saw all the messages and I know it was wrong and I was being such a bad person and I swear I didnt mean to hurt them I just dont know why im like that.
I lied a lot about things and I felt like thats why it led them to believe he didnt SA me which he did and thats why we broke up.
He would text my best friend at the time and talk so much shit about me then we started arguing and then stopped being friends. She had sent me all the screenshots before we stopped talking and he would just make up so much shit and threaten and talk shit about me. I feel like I got blamed the most when my brother found out which is okay because it was my fault I was being dumb but I feel like no one really held him accountable. I feel like I got so much shit for it and now I cant get past it I feel like it's holding me back so much. eventually my siblings started talking to me again and I got happier but now I feel like I dont belong in this family and its not only that theres so many factors to my life that just makes me hate and love my family. They would get offended if they saw the word hate but sometimes I just cant pretend that I dont. I feel like such a piece of shit as a sister and also to my friends. The boyfriend I have now is so much nicer to me, he is the kindest guy I've ever met in my life, he does everything for me and treats me really well and I was really happy with him. But I feel like he doesnt understand much that im going through which I do tell him what's wrong he just doesnt understand how bad it all feels. Today my sister was talking to my older sister and my older sister was asking her something about how she didnt do the dishes right and my sister said "just wait" with an attitude and I jokingly said "ooo shes gonna fight" which was a joke obviously and then my sister said "you dont have to comment on everything" in a rude way like wtf did I do to her then I said "you dont have to be a bitch" in a rude way too because who tf does she think she is. then she said "why do you have to be a bitch" then I said something along the lines of ur the bitch or something I forget then my older sister says "your both bitches" when I literally just made a joke that wasnt even rude so how was I being the bitch? my other sister literally had all the attitude in the world like she always does and I feel like my older sister favourites her over me. I feel like most of my siblings do too except my other older sister shes really unbiased which is good. but idk I feel so different from them all like I feel like they hate me. anyways im not bothered to type the rest i'll post again sometime soon
@lulu9 Hello. Make every attempt to not ruminate. You have written a very extensive post. We all have lessons to learn from our past experiences. Understand that your boyfriend may not want to hear about your past experiences as it may very well be upsetting for him, given he appears to care for you greatly. Only you can understand his intentions and what he feels for you. It will always be a struggle if past memories affect and influence your future in a negative way.
Welcome to the SANE forums, it's lovely to have you here. Thank you for feel comfortable sharing with us.
Sounds like you've been going through a rough time. I hope you know you aren't alone and there is so much support available for you. I know right now your family isn't the best form of support for you, do you have any other support?
I'm glad to hear you're in a kind relationship now. I know it can be a challenge when you have past issues coming up in a relationship and you are struggling with him being able to fully understand how you are feeling. It can be challenging for someone who hasn't gone through the same experience to be able to fully understand what you've been through. Don't feel like this doesn't make your experience valid.
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