Lived Experience Forum

[celadonrose]

Hello, 

I've been struggling for a few months now with a worsening depression. I seem to become unwell around this point every year, it's been so in the autumn to winter months for about the last 6 years. I'm trying my best to keep my head above water this time by still going to work and I just started doing bikram yoga every few days. Despite this I still when I am at home, feeling exhuasted, empty, tremendously sad, tearful, guilty, anxious, evil, selfish, sometimes distant which has caused my patient partner to feel as though I don't love them (heartbreaking). I can't reach out for affection when I feel like this, all of my remaining energy is left to staving off thoughts of dying or self loathing or managing physican pain, I feel so sad that it feels like there is a shard of glass in the centre of my chest. 

I've never had a SAD diagnosis though I'm begining to suspect it, only GAD, MDD, query BP2, query BPD. Labels mean not much to me at this point, they've not proven to be very helpful. I've tried SSRIs, SNRIs & anticonvulsants to little effect. (Maybe time for ECT..?)

I've been doing DBT for a few months so I see a psychologist and go to a group session once a week but apparently the counselling in these psychologist is only for things related to dbt so if I need extra assistance I need to get another therapist?.. 😞  I don't really have time between working, studying, the program and staying alive. 

This all sounds very dramatic, I guess I just wanted to write down what I'm going through because no one else really knows about it apart from my lovely patient partner. 😞 I worry that I will have to continue to feel like this for almost half the year, every year for the rest of my life. I'm studying to get a career but if I can't work for the full year, who on earth would hire me anyway? I really don't want to have to keep feeling this pain and isolation and guilt year after year. Any advice on how to hang on out there?

[Chris]

Hi celadonrose

Im sorry to hear your feeling so depressed.I wonder if it would be helpful to have some blood tests done to rule out anything physical. I have just been tested for thiroid function, vitamin d. These particular can have an affect on your mood.

In regard to your psycholagist, it has been my experience that while doing dbt, if you have a therapist experiences in dbt, you can talk about what is important to you right at that time,  and they will help you to put your skills into practice. When you think about it ,it makes sense. It about learning to apply the skills (and there are many, and in different areas of our lives). 

Please be patient with yourself. It all takes practice, and when you feel so unwell, its b... hard!

Don't give up. I know how hard it is when you feel in the absolute pits.

If you feel at risk call lifeline

Take care, and im thinking of you

[NikNik]

Hi @celadonrose

Finding a balance in life is something we all struggle with... and sometimes when we feel like we get the perfect balance - BAM - something happens to throw it off.

It seems like you are doing a lot to take care of yourself - which is awesome! I know a lot of people struggle to get into a dbt program - so it's great that you have access to one.

It sounds like you have a lot going on - study etc, which is great! It already sounds like you're making your mental health a priority, but maybe it's worth cutting back in one area to get effective treatment on top of your DBT. You mentioned you don't feel like you can relate to your diagnosis - I always encourage people to keep connecting with new professionals until they find someone who -

1) They feel comfortable with

2) Offer an opinion / diagnosis that you feel hits the spot

3) Offers treatment that is useful to you

The 3rd one can take a bit of time, as you know, they may try a few different things.

It is a pain having to fit this all in. It seems very inconvenient that the DBT therapist you go to won't assist with anything else - but I hope you can adjust some things to fit in a professional that complements what you're already doing - because you deserve a better quality of life.

How have you been travelling over the past few days?

[celadonrose]

Hi @NikNik,

Thanks for your response, your name made me smile, reminded me of that cute cartoon that used to be on ABC, Plasmo.  

I was a little unclear, I had a replacement DBT therapist while my usual one was on holiday. I had a session with my usual clinician yesterday and I really do think we are a good fit, he's of the camp that diagnosis is not the most important thing in therapy. 

I have not been feeling that well in the last couple of days, very low, guilty and tearful. I struggle with self worth and purpose etc and have an unshakable feeling that I do not matter, this is challenging when coupled with dysthymia. I did have a touching moment with my psych yesterday though, I was talking about how I didnt have anything of meaning to comfort me in harder moments so he gave me his comfort pen which he fiddles with when things are stressful. I was so touched at what a kind and giving gesture this was I couldn't help but cry and he in turn cried. I have it with me now and it is such a lovely representative thing. It makes me a little sad though, that I don't have that support from anyone else in my life, they dont want me to be unwell but people aren't very good at support sometimes. I feel very lonely in my suffering. 

I adopted a cat a few days ago for comfort, that has been nice. Thank you again for your encouraging words, I will try and stay mindful in the structure I thankfully have in tact at the moment. I'm going to try and get more sunlight this week, hopefully that will help my mood.

Thankyou for welcoming me also. 

[Appleblossom]

Hello @celadonrose

It is sad that in such a competitive society a lot of people forget how to support others.  Glad you had some rapport with your psych.

I was lucky to have an hour outside in the sun yesterday, but it gets harder when you are at work.  Hope you get some on the weekend.

A lot of people do casual or part-time hours these days.  There are ways and means just try and find a path that suits you.