Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

My post disappeared when I was trying to write it, so I have to do it all over again.

I've been contemplating where I'll be at in ten years' time. I've always been taught that I'm a product of my past. Of course I can't be a product of my future because I haven't lived it yet. I know we all have a different take on this so I'll put in my two cents here.

According to my past history which I won't disclose, my life isn't going to change into anything fancy or special. My past is a predicter of the future, in ten years I won't have made any big changes in my life, my behaviour won't change, I won't get a different nature. I'll be the same miserable person forever. I can't wait till I can see a psychiatrist, I'll probably never stop seeing a psychiatrist, EVER!

I know tomorrow's goings-on will be a temporary reprieve; most real life people are slowly starting to take notice of the changes in my mental health and it's scaring me as I just want to be left alone when people looking in from the outside as it were, think I need the most help. I know I can be honest about the positive things in my life; there's also negative stuff which I won't lie about either. I'm considered pesimistic by some people, but to me I'm just being a realist. I've been told dozens of times that medication makes people better. I'm sure it does, but it's not going to change my past or my future; forgetting about the past and moving on isn't going to fix my issues, is it? I'll just cope better when I'm less depressed eventually, less exhausted and less psychotic (mental breakdowns on occasion). But the problems aren't gonna go away. My future won't be any different. I'll most likely be sitting on a park bench most days crying, wishing my times with the support workers would never end, Wishing that my occasional social gatherings would last forever and also wishing that I'd not been born with a disability. I can forever do mindfulness techniques, knowing that next week, the week after, and the week after that, and next month, next year, will be the same bloody bullshit positive wishy-washy psychiatric therapy; hoping to continue to cope while never f@king my stupid c*t issues! I'm just existing for the sake of existing. I'm sure everybody knows this but won't admit it. Well that's fine.

I'll just go through the motions each day with my distractions and mindfulness exercises while all the time, reality will be there, ready to smack me in the face. Life doesn't change once it starts. The past can't be undone. I guess my future can be made, but according to my past I can only make a future according to my experiences — it's not like I can make a good future of myself when my life has been mediocre with a mixed bag of good and bad bullshit. In this modern world, so many evil people get a slap on the wrist because most medical professionals deem them as safe to live in society based on a few bundles of paperwork and "good behaviour". It astounds me! Yet MI gets tossed under the rug as "bad behaviour", and when I "behave well", my mental issues don't get better but the paperwork gets chucked in the bin until I "behave badly", again. Yes, Australia has a frigging stupid medical and legal system.

I don't know when, and it certainly won't be this week: but eventually I'm just going to give up and sit on a park bench with something to drink while I cry all day. I think I'll do this after my psychology appointment. I know where a local park is (special needs training), so I'll sit there and cry myself to sleep after my appointment because I don't need neighbours to find out how sad I get at times. I'll be reading, having a drink, and crying. At least in the park I won't be disturbing anybody in my unit complex. I'll just keeping going through all my list of distractions until after my appointment with the psychologist next week. Most people think that because I hang on by a thread of hope each day that suddenly I have to be fine and dandy. I don't even deserve to live in a home. I should be on the streets or in a caravan. At least I won't be as miserable for a few hours tomorrow.

[Rhye]

Hey there @Former-Member,

I just wanted to stop by and check in with how you're travelling over the past few days. It sounds like things have been difficult, and that you might not be getting the support that you need...is that right?

I also wanted to pop a little reminder in here about phone counselling at SANE, which is free and is open 10am-10pm Monday to Friday. The number is 1800 187 263.

I know things can be really challenging at times, and yes sometimes all the tools in the world feel like they just don't cut it, which is why I'm so pleased to see that you've reached out here to vent when you feel you needed that space (living in an apartment can be limiting in that sense when you need the space and privacy to cry or let off steam).