Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

A while back (I have no concept if time ever) I ended my relationship. I have not posted much about it but I did post when I ended it. We are back together and have had many talks. It's been far from easy. 

Things aren't the same. Things change when there is a major relationship breakdown. I'm trying. I know things don't happen overnight. One of the reasons I ended it was because I was sick and tired if being ignored and the constant heartache of trying do desperately to reach out and still not be spoken to. 

It got to the point where I actually became mentally unwell. It's still happening even though So said explicitly through our talks, I cannot live like that and I need change. I took the day off today. Took her out to breakfast, spoke to her about heaps of different things. No work talk or problem talk. Made it clear it was special and quality time together. We looked around at some nice shops, went to the library, went to the beach for two hours and just lay on a blanket, resting and chilling out. Was out all day. Get home and I'm feeling better and good. She goes straight to her crocheting and no conversation again. 

I couldn't say anything. She just gets defensive and upset. Eventually I said gently and nicely, I would have like to spend more time with you when we got home but you got straight into crocheting. Defensive response. I gently said I'm not attacking your I just said I would have liked to spend more time with you. All she said was yeah it would have been nice and silence since then. 

I'm at my wit's end. I love her, I can't do this alone. I'm getting more and more less inclined to try. I'm very sad. I'm hurting because I don't understand her choices. I can't live with silence. I mean I can handle quiet and silence but thus is a different silence. I just feel like I'm stuffed no matter which way I try. I'm out if answers anymore. 

I asked her yesterday if she feels we need relationship counselling. She said not right now. I can't cope with anymore counselling. She has only just started her therapy. I said, I understand. I'm just struggling to work on us getting back on track. Silence. It's either silence or tears. 

[Millieme]

Hi, sounds very difficult for you in what needs you are needing to have met in this relationship. Maybe your partners needs are different making an imbalance for you, neither of you is in the wrong perhaps. For me, i need time for me, when i was married it was important too. If i have all day at work or if i have been away with people i need to make sure i schedule a time to have space later on that is just quiet. I also crave connection and time with others but at same time being on my own and having time to sort things out in my head or just be mindfully doing something in front of me is so important too.

[Teej]

Hi @Powderfinger , 

I was thinking a little bit along the lines of @Millieme . If I've spent the day with someone I need down alone time which for me is doing a puzzle in silence away from anyone. I have become more introverted as time goes on and can only cope with spending a set time with people and then I need down time. This includes spending time with my adult children who I love and are my world. At about the three hour mark I'm almost screaming inside, needing to escape to my room to recharge. It doesn't have anything to do with love, just personal needs. 

It might not be the same but it maybe that you are more extroverted and become energised spending time with others whilst she could be introverted. I might be way off track and misinterpreted your post, this was what I thought about out as someone on the outside reading your post. I hope it helps. 

[Powderfinger]

@Teej yeah, I get it. I'm actually an extreme introvert and so is she. I'm also a HSP. Highly sensitivity person. It's a thing. This, however, is completely different. I can't explain it anymore. The fact that I'm getting sick, because I cannot take it anymore is a big sign. Mentally and physically I'm getting sick. Although I don't need to talk all if the time, My depth measures deeper than all the oceans in the world put together. I'm a writer and a copywriter. The need to express myself is a need. I cannot live in silence and not be able to even have a damn conversation now and then. If that is not too much to ask! How inconvenient and selfish of me to want connection. How selfish of me to have a need. 

Were drifting thousands of miles apart and I have no energy anymore. 

[Powderfinger]

@Millieme thanks for your input. As it stands, I've now got myself a working space away from home two days a week. I need this for me. I will have connection and socialising with other people. She can then have that space from me to do her own thing. 

In saying that, the way I have been treated is basically downright despicable. I cannot go into the last seven months and the hell I went through. The emotional mind fuckery. Did it do damage. Hell yes, a hell of a lot. I'm really very angry. I'm at the point where I'm done talking it asking for any of my needs to be met. The issues are beyond me as a partner and a person who is not trained to deal with many complexities and one should NEVER EVER fall into a trap of being a counsellor for their partner or anyone else. My mother gave me that role for 32 years and I cut all contact with her last year. 

I'm sorry but no, there's consequences for choices. I'm paying a high price and nobody gives a damn about that. So you know what I need my me time too. I've given up hope of it being sorted out. The best I do is learn how to adapt to the new messed up life it has become for me. No hope has been given for change. I have needs and I need to meet them. I've always out her and our relationship first. 

I'm grieving an excruciating loss if the beautiful and happy life I was living with the person I love. She is gone, I've accepted it and now I'm need to do me. Nobody cares about me nor my heart. I need space too. 

[Powderfinger]

I'm processing MY PAIN and it is hard. For the first time in my life my focus is not entirely on the other person. In that way I've damaged myself for a very long time. 

I'm thinking of moving out temporarily. I NEVER wanted it to change me to this EVER. My pain is in no capacity to cope with living in a situation where I question every day if this is going to be the day she speaks to me and provides me with comfort and with actually hearing me and being there for me too? 

Is this going to be the day when I can speak without her being defensive towards me, causing me to immediately shut down because I can't cope? Is this going to be the day, when I can speak openly with her and not be ignored anymore for who knows how long? 

Is this going to be the day when she tells me she loves me and shows me she loves me? 

All the while I am asking those questions to myself, the memories of how we were are like fast scenes before my eyes and the absolute love and beauty there was between us. I want that back but instead I'm grieving deeply. Me is either gone or Zive locked me up somewhere that nobody can find me because me gets terribly hurt. Me has been terribly hurt. I used to think love can conquer all, I used to think love can overcome many things that seem impossible. Now, my belief in that is shaken. 

So, Stay kg means more damage. What reason is there to stay anymore? I wake up sad, I don't look forward to going through bed at night anymore, I'd rather be with other people so I can get some semblance of happy back. I'm deeply depressed and heartbroken. The damage has been deep emotional damage. I love the house we live in. It is our house. Everything we wanted and freaked of in a house but the walls within are empty and sad. Not what zi envisioned. The morning are forced good mornings for me out if respect and I say nothing more than that. I don't even want her comfort when I'm crying because it just hurts more. The comfort she provides will be fleeting and it is like a continuous heartbreak cycle done more out of duty than love. My safety in vulnerability us compromised and I'm alone. 

My anger is immense, just as immense as my pain. It's simmering underneath and I can't be bothered expressing it. The conclusion I've reached is that leave her alone. It's a vicious cycle, she cries, I comfort and feel love, she settles and it's back to the way it is. I don't have any try left. 

So, I'm considering carefully moving out and the implications that may have. I certainly don't want to stay somewhere I don't feel loved or wanted anymore. She can then do as she pleases without me around. It's selfish to have it both ways. That's not a relationship to me. 

[Powderfinger]

When there is no longer any wind in your sails nor any breathe left to blow any wind into them, you need to eventually stop and ask why? Who is taking the wind out of your sails. Am I doing this to myself? I pause and listen. What I hear, "stop being such a drama queen". I instantly feel so much shame at those words. Important discovery. I don't even have any dignity left. I have nothing left to offer. Not even to myself. I'm completely destitute of energy, love and kindness. Sadly, there is so much need for it and I don't have any left to give. 

Unfortunately like many people I didn't get parents who loved me. At best, well they were useless and messed up themselves. I wasn't prepared for life as a child not as an adult. It's just been a slog to live. It still is. I'm safer away from them. I am at 40 years old beginning to understand why my life has felt like I'm climbing a mountain. I'm at the point, where I'm like screw the mountain. 

I have no self worth or self esteem left when it comes to the relationship I'm in  I thought I was doing ok. I was willing to love again, grow, learn things, make a home and life with her. I wouldn't kid myself and be with someone who did not want these things too. I was shown and told often she wanted these things to. I thought, finally I found my someone. It didn't take long for that to chsnge. I feel her pain and I know her life has been beyond awful. Today, I feel like a failure. Today I feel worthless. Today I feel like maybe I thought what was loving, kind and supportive was not. Today I feel like I was selling myself a lie that deep love can heal. I've been told differently by her. I over time started to lose confidence in mysekfz my self worth slid. I don't know if love is the only way I feel worthy of getting love. Give live, get love. Logic. But logic like that doesn't work when it's only my logic. As a result of my childhood many things can get confusing. It's embarrassing and there is shame. It's what has over time made me become more isolated. I'm too scared for anyone to notice and tell me I'm too hard to be around. I feel embarrassed as I'm 40 years old and I should know better at my age. Yep try being out in society when your little inner girl is screaming for you. You can't ignore her. 

There is a spare room in the house. I'm in it now. I need space, peace and quiet. I'm working on the illusion that she vaguely even wants to hold me and be there for me. I was crying this morning. I'd been feeling such for a few days and I three up while I was crying. There was no hug, no nothing from her. I cleaned up my mess while I was crying. I looked at that situation and I thought wow, this is what someone who says they love you does. Well it's time you stopped living the lie you've been living. This isn't love. 

[Jynx]

Hey @Powderfinger 

Just stopping by to offer support and let you know I'm sitting here with you. Your words have really touched me, I can't imagine how much this is hurting for you.

I hope that you're able to take some time to listen to that inner little girl. I have come to a point where I feel like 'adulthood' is a myth, we're all just those scared little children, with so much expected of us. But our inner children are also sources of strength, because they can tell us our true desires, show us our true values.

I can really tell how much love you poured into this relationship, and I hope you know that the ending of it doesn't mean that love disappears, or didn't mean anything. It is still in you. I get the sense that you love deeply and passionately, and the world (and your own self) deserves to feel that love.

Please don't hesitate to reach out if you need. We're here for you

[Powderfinger]

@Jynx Hi. 

The words have not been spoken per se. Whatever words one says when a relationship is done. In my heart many things are over within the context of the relationship. We are miles apart and in my opinion. I was so very close to her. I loved the closeness and love we shared. I realised today, I am living my life like a movie. It is not a move, it is real. I think being a passionate person and yes loving deeply is a blessing and a curse. Like a game of poker, you gotta know when to hold em and fold em.

I need my space to figure out how I really feel. I need my space to get well phsyically. At least this way I cannot be ignored. I'm very very confused and hurt. The questions are, and there are many, how much is one supposed to give? how much does absolutely everything cost? At what price?  And is everything enough? My answer to the last question....... not unless you want to lose everything. That is martyrdom, not passion and love. 

The thing is, She is not around these days anymore. She left a while ago. I want to reach in and bring her back, werever she is gone and I have absolutely no idea how to. Not one single idea and I have no help. 

[Powderfinger]

I spent my entire day and night alone yesterday. I slept alone, hurt alone, did everything alone. The only thing I did was make her a sandwich do she could eat. Other than that I stayed alone. 

This morning, I woke up. Oh joy. I'm starting to wonder if I really am capable of being in a loving, commited relationship? I have been through what feels to me, an insurmountable lot of trauma. I can't get ahead in life. 

The fact is, she has been taking out all her anger, that is meant for her parents out on me. I took it for a long time because I knew what was going on. There were many times, so placed down strong boundaries but it still had a huge impact on me. 

I read an article last night that said, even of you know why somebody is doing something and it is hurting you, you need to leave. It's ok to leave and you don't have to stay. At times you have to forget how others feel and do what's right for you. 

It's a curly one for me. I still feel leaving people means I'm abandoning them and must not love them enough to stay. Courtesy of a mother who always made it very clear I was abandoning her whenever I tried to create my own life. Abandoning her and I don't love her. She is the wounded child who never grew up. I cut all contact in December 2019. Excruciating decision but the right one for me. 

I'm tired of being a punching bag for everyone. I'm tired if the assault on my body, mind, heart and me as a person. Apparently I don't take enough responsibility for the things I'm doing wrong. Apparently I don't do a lot of things. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, Ii reflect and if I become aware of something I did or said that would have been painful, I go to the person, name my behaviour, take responsibility for it and do my best to not do it again. 

The thing is, how we used to be and how the relationship used to be is not the same and hasn't been for a while now. It hurts deeply to acknowledge that. She is not aware she acts out on me like I am her mother standing there and not her partner but she will use things from the relationship with me. 

I feel it is necessary to let this go. Perhaps when we are healthier people and have done some more healing, maybe then. I can see this is not working now. I need my space and I need to live my life. I cannot handle this toxic, negative environment. I'm finding so don't want to talk as I always end up in a lot of distress. I'm not thinking of we anymore, I'm thinking I.