Lived Experience Forum

[tyme]

What's making you say that tonight @creative_writer ?

Please reach out if you feel the need to. It is important you get the support you deserve. Although it might be difficult tonight, it doesn't mean it will stay that way forever. It WILL shift.

I'm here if you want to chat about it.

[creative_writer]

@tyme maybe I’m making things worse for myself. I’m arguing with my mum for no good reason. I just have so much pent up anger. She is my mum and l love her. I know she wouldn’t try to hurt me. But she wasn’t able to fully process when I was SA, so the 19 year old me was left feeling confused and shaken. And how I’ve noticed her feeling on edge when talking about it in the past, like she didn’t want to talk about it. Like is there something so wrong with me? I know culturally it’s taboo. But I had literally no one. Disassociation was my friend.

[tyme]

Hearing you @creative_writer - I can see you love her very much and vice versa. And sometimes, helping those you love most is the hardest. Because there is such a strong tie, it makes it very hard to believe anyone would want to hurt you. And then again, the cultural taboo...i guess she feels she has to believe something she really doesn't want to believe?

I'm sorry this is happening. 

Do you still want to raise it with your mum? Or do you feel it is better to raise with a professional? Perhaps a professional is able to have distance with the situation and therefor have a more objective viewpoint?

Thoughts?

[creative_writer]

@tymeshe believes it now but I am angry with how she responded years ago when I needed the support and she wants me to open up to her more. But I suppose it’s not really working out right now. I am just too angry to talk like a civil human being. This anger is making me into a monster.

[tyme]

I could have blamed my parents for my C-PTSD @creative_writer - my treating team tried to help me recognise it, accept it and work with it.

However, today, I cannot say I blame them. All I can say is that their understanding was limited. They really didn't know what to do with me. They didn't realise what they were doing was having a terrible affect on me and would be later termed 'childhood trauma'....

If I blame them, I will be forever angry and hate them. I do not want to die with this hatred in my heart. I had to learn to rise above this hurt. As much as I wanted my parents even to acknowledge me, or even to give me a hug, I never got it. 

Hence, I've struggled tremendously. However, if I did not have these struggles, I'd never know how to speak to others about it.

Maybe this is part of your journey, and one that you find you will be sharing when you follow through with being a peer support worker? This has been my dream - and it can be yours too.

Just hang in there. You deserve it. Give yourself permission to heal.

Hugs, tyme

[tyme]

Hey @creative_writer - I'll be hopping off very soon. But please keep posting. I'll read up on it tomorrow 🙂

Hugs - you are stronger than you think!!!! I believe in you!

[creative_writer]

@tyme I don’t hate my mum. I am just frustrated that I was totally alone. I don’t really consider my parents the cause of my c-ptsd. However, I do realise she didn’t know what to do. Sometimes it’s easy to deny painful facts. I took a while to make sense of what happened.

[creative_writer]

@tyme goodnight. Sending you lots of hugs 🙂

[Paperdaisy]

Hey @creative_writer checking in today. How are you doing? 💖 I'm here today and tyme will be here later in the day. hugs 💝

[creative_writer]

@Paperdaisy ❤️ it feels like I've reached my limit and come undone. I don't know what else can be said. I am frustrated with myself because I feel like I have enough support but it doesn't feel like it's enough.