Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Janna]

Ha @Former-Member - I didn't realise your post was spread over 2!

My friend has to travel over 1 hour to get to the "farm" where they live.  She does this once a week and stays two days.  In that time that she is there her brother is either working in his business or fussing over Mum and Dad.  My friend does a huge weekly grocery shop for them and ensures that they have stock of everything they need, including the medications.  She always cooks, but because things are the way they are she has to cook different meals for each person as they all don't like this, don't like that, can't eat this, can't eat that.  She always overcaters and ensures that there is plenty of food in the fridge to carry them for a day or 2 after she leaves but her brother doesn't use it and throws it away or gives it to the dog.  During the time she is there he blatently ignores her presence, or notices her contributions.  This hurts her because she is being treated like she doesn't exist with little to no gratitude.  Her brother appears to be deliberately hurting her e.g. if she buys a nightie for Mum he throws it out claiming it makes her itch, or she's too hot in it, or it's too tight or whatever.  I suspect that there is some resentment there.  Nevertheless, I believe it's a matter of time before his burnout starts manifesting in a physical way if he doesn't slow down and employ some self-care.    What he is doing is not sustainable.  

Janna ❤️

[Faith-and-Hope]

It’s so sad @Janna ......

I can’t imagine how concern for my mil will manifest with my hubby as she grows older. It’s not only sad, it’s scary.

I imagine your friend is beside herself, but short of doing nothing, sounding alarm bells with the dr means she is alerting someone, and this passes forward a duty of care as well ...... once informed there is a responsibility to acknowledge, seek more info, something .......

[Janna]

@Faith-and-Hope

Increased stressors in life, such as aging parents and their inevitable demise, can act as catalysts for the decompensation of an already unstable person.  How do I know?  Saw that happen with my exNPDH in response to financial stress.  He became highly delusional, paranoid and completely out of touch with reality.  I could not connect with him as he maintained that it was me and others that had the problem, not him. His mental state scared me so much I had a safety plan in place just incase.  When people lose touch with reality they become delusional, the definition of which is fundamentally a fixed, firm belief not shared by others.  This is what makes it so hard to get help for them because one of those fixed, firm beliefs is that they don't have a problem!  Because they remain relatively functional, it is usually only evident to those closest to them and who share a considerable amount of time with them.  Only my girlfriend, the carer and his best friend are aware of what is happening and have shared concerns, but to the outside world i.e. his GP, his staff/co-workers, etc. he appears more than normal because he is single handedly looking after two geriatrics and running a business.  I dread to think where mrF&H could go if he were to be faced with the same ... argh!!  I will most definitely tell my girlfriend to flag it with the parent's GP.

Janna ❤️