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Something’s not right

Janna
Community Elder

Some Advice For A Friend Please


I’m posting this on behalf of a close friend who is struggling because of the intense relationship issues she currently has with her family, and in particular with her brother. Her parents are very aged geriatrics; the mother has severe dementia and the father is simply very old and also has some senility. Her brother (the only other child) lives with and cares for the parents (he never left home). He employs a full-time carer and my girlfriend also “works” in the family home 2 days per week to help out. Her brother has lost the plot and is trying everything to preserve his parent’s life. He treats “Mum” like a baby - talks to her like she is an infant (“oh you’re a good little girl aren’t you” etc) and only gives her the best of everything - right down to reading labels of food products, eliminating anything too fatty, too salty, too rich, too processed, etc, etc. He overextends himself to the point of absurdity and is obsessive about everything. He obsessively keeps track of all bodily excrement functions, stresses out if there is constipation and gives Mummy an enema if she misses having her bowels open for a day or two. The same über care applies to the father. He takes them on a 2+ hour road trip each Sunday to the same place because “Dad loves it”, even if he is dog tired and has a mountain of backlog in work to attend to. He does anything and everything Dad wants meeting his every need and desire and is incapable of saying “no”. The latest is that he has announced that the mother can not be left unattended for 1 minute due to her propensity to fall. Everything my friend does is never right or good enough, be that good food which she cooks, or clothes that she buys, or housekeeping she has attended to, etc. He treats her like she doesn’t exist and displays the classic nice/nasty splits in behavior and classic passive aggressive behaviors. He also will not entrust her to care for the parents alone for any extended period of time because he fears the care will be suboptimal. She believes he has truly gone insane and is very distressed about it. Yesterday she found him boiling a kitchen sponge in a pot in order to destroy germs so that cross contamination and food poisoning don’t occur - clearly with the mother and father in mind. He intends to do this daily now! He refuses to consider placing either in a nursing home despite their incontinence and the fact that they need 24 hour assistance with every facet of daily life. He also will not consider respite because “I can’t do that to Mum”. His business is losing money, he is experiencing financial stress, he barely sleeps, he can’t have any time off and he is literally destroying himself in order to avert the inevitable demise of his parents. His declining mental health is being noticed by others, including his best friend who expressed his genuine concern only to now have been excommunicated and discarded as a friend. My friend is at her wits end and the whole situation is compromising her mental health. She is at a loss as to know what to do, given that her brother is in severe denial about everything and refutes all suggestions that could ease the situation. Apart from the obvious self-care and healthy boundary advice, I also don’t know what to recommend or how to advise her. I’m convinced that there are some serious mental health issues going on with her brother but it is all going under the radar in the name of altruistic care for his aged parents. My friend is unraveling herself and returns home from her 2 day stint as an emotional basket case needing days to recover. It’s easy to suggest reducing contact but this is not possible. Any suggestions anyone? And ideas of what exactly is going on here? 

Janna ❤️

 

Janna 

12 REPLIES 12

Re: Some Advice For A Friend Please

Hi @Janna

It sounds like your friends brother has taken on a heavy load with caring for his parents and running a business. Doing both could be running him into the ground causing him to burn out - by your description he is showing signs of such together with resulting sleep deprivation.

He must love his parents a great deal to go to these lengths which is admirable to me, although maybe not practical. I would take a guess and say he has promised his parents at some stage that he would never put them in a home - and what I have personally witnessed I don't blame him. I care for my husband and where possible I would never put him in one.

It does sound like your friend is exhausted and not coping with the situation also. Nothing one can really do unless the parents are not being looked after properly and neglected which isn't the case, just the opposite. Perhaps the sister could try expressing her concern for her brothers demise directly to him - the strain it's putting upon him and resulting effects on his physical body thus mind; and then suggest some respite care for all under strict supervision or more inhome help if financially viable. Or that he sell the business and become a full time carer where there is less stress on him. Otherwise it may be a case of the brother totally crashing and burning and then admitting he can no longer cope and something has to be done for alternative arrangements. Wishing your friend and her family all the best with it.

Re: Some Advice For A Friend Please

From what I have been experiencing @Janna, it definitely sounds like mental illness has taken over the brother, and they are now all at risk.

My wh has become enmeshed with his mother also, but not to this degree, and what is happening for us is enough to raise eyebrows ..... your friend’s situation has gone far beyond.

Starting point I think would be to call 1800Respect, who put me onto emergency mh call line for our state.  They will be able to advise her better than any of us, I think.  It’s likely that as a daughter / sister she has a right to be involved, and call on mh services to intervene.

Perhaps the family doctor, most specifically the elderly parents’ doctor is worth having a face-to-face appointment with.  Just the fact that her brother is carrying a massive sleep debt makes himself a danger to them and others, particularly on the roads.

This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Re: Some Advice For A Friend Please

hello @Janna

It might be the case that her brother has developed some form of OCD as a result of burnout as a carer...brought on mostly by himself sadly..

my sister was affected badly and her physical health suffered more and more each year...she cared for my mum...

neither of them would accept my help...only when they requested and on some of those occasions after being there for a short period of time...if I mentioned anything medical...I was told to leave...after driving an hour to get there... this happened on several occasions...

I also went through periods where they would not ring me...I was constantly making the phone calls to ask after them both...

occasionally when I stood my ground I would eventually get a call from sister enquiring after mine and my husband's health as they had not heard from me..

finally earlier this year mum made decision herself when sister required to be hospitalised yet again for another major operation..

assessed by ACAT

Re: Some Advice For A Friend Please

OOPS

@Janna

assessed by acat as requiring 24 hour care...referral from mum's gp...

so yes your friend can make an appointment...she will not be able to receive any information so when making the appointment stating only to inform doctor of level of care now required..

hanging in here...how are you?

Re: Some Advice For A Friend Please

This ended up being a bit of a long post; sorry I tend to ramble on. I’m not meaning to diagnose or label, but for want of a better expression it sounds like he initially cast himself in the role of martyr and this has gone into the stratosphere. He is the only one who can do this, it’s his role, responsibility, etc, so he will shut out any help. I don’t know enough about ocd to comment, but the germ phobia and insistence they stay with him seems like it’s coming from a need for control. It doesn’t sound like he has faced his parents ailing health realistically and honesty, so he’s left with the need, and perhaps belief, that he can control it. There’s that old theory if something awful is happening in someone’s life that they have no control over, they will become over controlling over something they can control. Ive been told by those that have them that some eating disorders are like this, or start like this (sorry, I don’t mean to simplify this issue, but food seems to feature in his behaviours). You are right to worry about his ability to do this long term; he can’t, no one could. Another worry is what happens if (or when) he realises and acknowledges that his parents are dying (sorry that’s so blunt). It doesn’t sound like he’s faced this at all.
This isn’t helping your friend though. Mohill’s suggestion seems a really good idea. I hope your friend is ok; she is also dealing with the impending loss of her parents, which is awful, but can’t devote the time and emotion she needs to this because of this situation. You are a good friend and your support will be of great help and comfort.

Re: Some Advice For A Friend Please

Hello @Janna, how is things my friend xx

Re: Some Advice For A Friend Please

Hi @Shaz51,

Things are OK - not great, not bad - just hanging somewhere in the middle.  I've had a fairly rough trott over Christmas with my son but things appear to have settled again.  Hope you had a great Christmas & a Happy New Year to you 🍾

Janna ❤️

Re: Some Advice For A Friend Please

Hi @Former-Member

I agree with you but my friend is concerned about rocking the boat too much for fear that the whole thing will come tumbling down like a house of cards.  She has tried to intervene in small increments here and there and each time it is met with conflict from her brother and an insistance that he is coping.  Because she feels that he is on the edge of a breakdown she needs to tread cautiously.  I will definitely mention an ACAT assessment to her.  Thanks.  I'm hanging in there - thanks for asking.

Janna ❤️

Re: Some Advice For A Friend Please

Hi @Sanatorium23,

I think you 100% right in him trying have some control over some thing in his otherwise out-of-control life.  He has always felt indebted and duti-bound to his parents, both of which had very high needs for many reasons.  He has never left the family home and is now nearing 60 - the parents are 90 and 93 years of age.  Your right about him not accepting their inevitable death - he is doing everything possible to preserve them.

The mother has had mental health issues most of her life and now has severe dementia - does not know who anyone is, where she is, what she is doing and is incontinent.  Other than her dementia her physical health is quite good.  The father has some senile dementia, is very frail, incontinent and a very demanding and cantankerous man.

The brother does everything in his power to meet their needs but always does this in the most complicated manner, refuting all suggestions that could make his life easier - for example he will use the stove top to prepare food in the most traditional drawn out method rather than use the microwave - beause "that's how Mum likes it".  His business is failing and he works like a trojan to try and make ends meet but is slowly going down a financial gurgler.  Keeping the parents at home costs him around $3000 per week as he is paying for a full-time carer, food, utlities and all their medical costs.  Because they have assets in the form of property neither he or the parents qualify for any government assistance.   He is so overextended he does not empty the letterbox which contains correspondence pertaining to his business for days and has a huge pile of unopened letters on his desk - some of which are overdue notices, etc.  He is unable to maintain the property (it is a small farm in semi-rural Sydney) and will do ridiculous things like hop on his ride on lawn mower at night and zoom around in the dark as this is the only time he has to do things like this.

This has been going on for 7-8 years, however, the last 18 months has seen the situation become much worse and cracks in his sanity are emerging. Unfortunately the worse he becomes the less connected to his sister (my friend) he becomes.    She can't reach him anymore and this is what is distressing her as she is witnessing not only the slow demise of her parents, but the mental demise of her brother as well and feels powerless to be able to do anything.  I believe he will collapse out of sheer physical and mental exhaustion - the question is when?

Thanks for your reply

Janna ❤️

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