Lived Experience Forum

[creative_writer]

I was having a conversation with someone yesterday (can’t mention the exact details here) about how sexist cultural values degrade women and make us feel like shit. It places a lot of blame on survivors. But why do I care about what people think? Why does having this happen make me less whole?

[Jynx]

Hey @creative_writer just been reading along. 

I have always found that it is very possible and even common to have two opposing viewpoints within our minds. Or if you like, there's different parts within us all that can have very different experiences/opinions, and sometimes it's more cognitive and other times it's more a felt sense, or tied to our emotional experience. So like, maybe your more cognitive, logical part can see it in a sociocultural context, but then there's also a wounded part of you that has the experiential context, which is in conflict with your values. 

Does that make sense? I'm not sure if I'm rambling haha

[creative_writer]

@Jynx, maybe that is what it is. I hold two opposing views, it’s so confusing. I think on a deeper level there is a belief I’ve done something wrong, even though I know it’s not logical.

I have a psych nurse as part of my support team, but I’m too scared to talk to her about things. My psych, pdoc and peer support worker all know about the nature of the trauma. Psych knows the most details. I’m trying to think of how I can maximise what I get from my supports

[Jynx]

@creative_writer might be getting a little philosophical here (and I love that our conversations seem to end up that way quite a lot, hehe) but I think that part of the human experience is that we want to believe that the universe is a logical place where there is inherent meaning, and thus that people get what they deserve. But instead it is more like a huge pile of random chance, chaotic events, cause-effect events, and we humans are just fumbling around in the dark trying to make the most of it all, whilst also responding to the random set of experiences that shape us.

Why do bad things happen to good people? Because they deserve it, on some level? I don't believe that. I know you don't either, on a logical level. But having a meaning-making brain results in us trying to find reason where there is only random happenstance. Maybe cos sometimes our brains need to have something actionable? Like, a random event resulting in trauma, what can our brain do with that? Very little. But if we ascribe the meaning of 'it's because I deserved it, because I've done something wrong', then our brains can say 'well I just need to be a better person, and then the bad thing won't happen to me again' - which likely feels safer than 'it was random, and could occur again if I'm unlucky'. It gives us a sense of control, even if that belief is both faulty, and harmful to hold onto. 

I think there are all sorts of ways to approach healing and changing these beliefs - one approach might be building up a solid stack of evidence that we are actually good, whole, and worthy human beings who are not deserving of pain and suffering. And then also practicing acceptance of the fact that bad things might happen to us again, but having faith in the fact that we can develop the resilience and fortitude to endure and overcome it, whilst building a sense of safety into our day-to-day environment along the way. 

Hmm what do you think is scary about opening up to your psych nurse? Is it cos she doesn't feel like a safe person to be vulnerable with? Or are you worried about it potentially resulting in hospitalisation or something? 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx, maybe it is about control. I certainly find myself anxious over my eating behaviours when things feel out of control. I like being able to control things but I know I can’t. I did not feel control when the trauma happened, nor do I feel in control of my physical and mental health. I know I’ve had moments where I resisted and didn’t want to accept what happened, but I know I need to. It’s been hard to accept it, because I feel flawed that it happened. That wounded me probably needs lots of comfort and compassion.

It’s not that I don’t like my psych nurse, I’m getting access to sessions through a service for free. I just don’t feel it with her, I can talk about other things but not trauma. I didn’t want to re-allocate to another therapist because at this point I’ve already had a few sessions, it’s time limited, and I’ve already requested a change in therapist before with the same service. Maybe it’s also to do with the comprehensive letters she writes after each appointment to my GP

[Jynx]

@creative_writer yeah nurturing our wounded parts goes a long way, it can be hard to do sometimes. But even the smallest gestures, like visualising giving yourself a hug, or talking to that part like you would gently reassure a child, can go a long way. 

If you wanna research a bit more about our sense of control, google 'internal locus of control' - it's a psychology term I think, there's a fair bit about it online. I might even deep dive on it later myself! 

Yeah I get that, sometimes people might be good on paper or there might be nothing they've done wrong, but they just aren't our people! Legit, it's just a vibe thing in my eyes 😂 Gotta find people who operate on our frequency! If it's too much of a hassle to change, and you don't see there being any benefit to opening up about your trauma, are there other ways that this psych nurse can support you, or like other areas that maybe you can work on together? 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx, learning to nurture myself is going to be a journey. It’s hard when I’ve always been so critical of myself. I am familiar with internal locus of control, but now that you mention it, I might also dive into it myself.

My psych nurse isn’t a bad therapist. She’s better than who I was allocated to before who would jump to conclusions too quickly, like I could see her biases affecting our sessions. I know therapists all have biases, but being a social work student allows me to see when things aren’t right. I’ve mostly been seeing the current psych nurse to handle bipolar and everyday stressors. My bipolar and cptsd as so intertwined, they make each other worse. It may be playing up in my mind more since it’s been more rough lately. I’m still very drained and exhausted, maybe it’ll get easier with time. The reverse is also true, trauma makes bipolar worse. It’s a messy relationship. Maybe I’ll rejoin the guided service at some point too

[Jynx]

@creative_writer something that helped me is recognising which parts of my inner critic were actually me, and which were just the voices of people who placed too-high expectations on me growing up. And also to treat the inner critic that is me with kindness and compassion too, cos really it just wants to protect me, wants me to succeed - it just needed to be reassured that it didn't need to resort to such extreme methods. "If being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked by now" - been one of my fav quotes recently. 

Haha yeah funny how training in mh and social work can really open one's eyes to the ways people operate. I have often said that one of the best things I ever did for my mental health was to study mental health! 

Yeah for sure, BP and CPTSD would have a lot of overlap and a lot of interactions - emotional dysregulation compounded. It's good you do have some support for that area in particular, and even if you don't really gel, hopefully you're still getting something useful out of it. 

Absolutely rejoin the GS! Especially if things have been particularly rough lately, which I know they have. If you jump on it now, I imagine there will be a bit of a waitlist situation (unfortunately I have no idea how long since I no longer work on the GS) so it could time out well, with sessions with the psych nurse finishing up, you can have another one lined up ready to go. 

If you find anything good on internal locus of control, feel free to share! And I'll do the same 😊

I'm off for the night darlin, thanks for the chats and for reading along with my rambles. I do enjoy how deep we can delve together 💜 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx, I do believe we tend to internalise what other people told us when we were growing up. These become your internal critic with time. At least that’s what I’ve found. As much as I want to say I’m over the rejection I faced as a kid, I don’t think I really am. I have felt like the “wrong kind of human” for so long. I never really knew about my ND till I was adult, I felt different and lost. I still do.

I do think studying mental health has helped me. Maybe my own lived experience also drew me to this path. It was hard growing up not knowing what I needed, nobody knew what I needed. I think mental health awareness has grown over the years, and hopefully will continue to do so.

Thank you for chatting. I hope you sleep well, I’m about to go to bed soon. It’s been a long hot and sweaty day. Goodnight 💖

[creative_writer]

Why does social work have to be triggering at times?