Lived Experience Forum

[Josie72]

What do you do when you have no support?

I’ve walked this path for many years. I’ve done a lot of therapy and made significant improvements.

July last year I lost my mum. She was the one constant in my life. I’ve done grief counselling which was awesome and I’m about to start counselling with Sane.

I’ve had many friends that have supported me over the years but all have left. They all say they are there for you. They all say they want to support but I think it becomes too much. With each departed friend I retracted. I tried to burden them less so they would leave but this beast always shows.

I let people see me, the real me, little by little. I watch their reactions, try to gauge how much they see, how much they want to see, how close they are prepared to get.

The friends I have atm have only been in my life for a touch over 2 years. They are apart of a motorbike club. They have supported me thru mums failing health & passing and some other things a little.

But the big ones, the melt down moments. I’m on my own. I’ve never felt so incredibly absolutely alone before. I’ve felt alone before, when the friends started leaving. I embraced it & accepted it. But this is a whole new level of alone that I’m really struggling with.

Mums support with the big stuff made it okay so I didn’t burden friends so much. I could cope with the small to medium stuff but mum was there for the big stuff.

Now I don’t have mum, the big stuff is overwhelming me. I think about reaching out to my new friends but I don’t want to lose them, I also don’t know if they’d ’get it’, once people see this, it changes them. Once they see the depth of my darkness, the intensity of my thinking & emotions. They run. They all run!

Mum got me. She accepted me. There is one person in my new friends that mostly gets me, definitely accepts me. But he is a man, about 15 years older than me. We are mates, we are equals. But he is still a man so when it comes to it, he deals with women the way men do so it’s not actually helpful for the big stuff. Which is fine cause I also accept him. Ps. There is absolutely no sex stuff. He is very happily married & I’m friends with his wife but she doesn’t ride with us so I don’t know her that well.

Whenever you do counselling they always ask if you have support. I always say the truth - that I don’t have much. Now I don’t really have any.

There has to be others out there that don’t have support. What do you do? What strategies do you have? How do you get thru it?

[Tilz]

@Josie72  I think there should be even one to care and support, there will be. As SANE done. We can share lot with friends. That Can relax us a lot

im so happy that you had someone no matter its man or women. Loosing someone close is something that change us but anyhow we need to move forward with their memories. May be she is looking you from somewhere and you to do best❤️

[tyme]

Hey @Josie72 ,

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through. It sounds so tough to have to go through the loss of a loved one on your own. Let alone your mum being one who absolutely understood you.

In my MH journey, I disconnected from people because I needed to protect them and myself. Disconnecting with them was the boundary I set. Therefore I had zero support from family and 'friends', but purely because I chose this way.

These forums were a Godsend to me. It helped me so much in that I could share my inner most thoughts without being judged and identified. I wonder if you will find these forums helpful for you?

Because I lived alone and was alone (I moved away from everyone I knew), I ended up involved with my local mental health team.. for the next few years, this was how I got through.... it wasn't easy.

I'm hearing how hard it is. 

Have you phoned Griefline before? https://griefline.org.au/

Hope to see you around.

[Hyperballad]

Hi @Josie72 

Thank you for sharing that. I hear you. It must have hit losing your mother. 

it’s relatable in the sense that I don’t have many people at all I can talk to about this aside from a counsellor. I don’t open up about this stuff much with friends because not everyone is comfortable with it  we have all this mental health awareness day and ruok day but I feel there’s still a thing where people expect me to be happy, positive and confident. 

I’ve been trying peer support stuff because at least it makes me feel less alone with what I experience and more connected and free to normalise and talk this stuff out

[Josie72]

Hi @Hyperballad,

thank you for your support. I feel the same about the ruok etc & people. I have often challenged those that are big on ruok day cause it triggered me a lot when it started. I even contacted ruok about it asking what is the point because people don’t deal with it when you’re not okay. People ask it with an expectation of your response being ‘yes’ but when it’s not. People freak out and don’t know how to respond. 

some people really do try to support. But at my worst, it was way too much for the average person. 

im grateful that i had mum thru the worst of it and that i was at the point i was when she passed cause the grief & how it cascaded was intense. I did counselling thru Griefline which was perfect. 

I’ve got an appointment with sane on 14th so hoping that will give me some strategies. 

this forum helps for sure but I don’t get the connection I crave. 

my friend I mentioned, rang me last night to see how I was going soon after I posted. I had my meltdown in the morning and had written the post in notes but ran out of time to post it till later. 

in a way I think I wanted to know I’m not the only one without deep support & im trying to figure out how to be without mum

[Josie72]

Hi @tyme 

losing mum has been intense, life changing so, in so many ways. She was the last of my upper family. All I have now is my sons who are 21 & 19. They are great for the most part but they are 21 & 19. lol 

it’s triggered a decision to move and start a new life. I can’t stay where I am without her. So that has its challenges but still better than staying. 

I did grief counselling with griefline. They were amazing. Connected me with someone with more training as I have BPD so need a deeper understanding and insight to identify the difference between the grief & Depression, anxiety & BPD behaviours. I’ve come to terms with that now. Processed the grief. I still feel sad and missing mum but have disconnected the sadness for mums loss from Depression etc. 

I think posting to this forum is going to be a strategy to help me thru meltdowns. It gives me the space to express myself. Get it out of my head and get some support. 

I have plans on how to establish new friends when I move, the bike helps with that as many bikers experience MH and understand it. Riding is a way to be with people while not directly interacting for long periods in time. Ie. you ride 2 hrs then stop to eat & chat for 30 min. There is connection & camaraderie on the road. 

I really want to find a way to keep my big stuff more private and not need to lean on friends so much. Allow support at a simpler level which I have. I just need to see it & value it for what it is rather than devaluing it for what it’s not and wanting more. 

allowing myself the meltdown knowing it will pass. Use the forum to express myself & get the level of understanding it can provide 

im looking forward to the sane counselling. To talk this all out and help me transition to a new way of being. To find that final strength to fully stand on my own and not need to lean on others. To be able to share and support but not depend. To be balanced rather than … don’t know the right word… “too much” fits

[sheba30]

Hi@josie72

It can be incredibly hard when you lose a family member you were close to,and it sounds like

you were really close to your mum.

It also sounds like you have done a lot to help yourself deal with the grief and loneliness

and reaching out to talk is a good thing when the feeling of having no support can really make a diffrence. I hope you find  some support through reaching out on Sane.

[tyme]

It sounds like you have some handy tips up your sleeve to help you through @Josie72 . 

Grief + BPD can be very challenging, but as you said, it's good to remember that with meltdowns, that 'it will pass'. I've certainly had my fair share of meltdowns.

Please utilise these forums to help you through challenging times. By writing what's been going for you, it can give you space between what you are feeling and what is happening which can in turn allow you to better cope with the circumstances.

I look forward to hearing how you go!

[Josie72]

@tyme 

It’s so easy after the meltdown to analyse and use my strategies. lol. I love that I can do it. Is so much harder during a meltdown when that overwhelming feeling of being alone and not having anyone to reach out to with the old habit of calling mum. Just have to reprogram my brain to post here instead. 

thank you xoxo

[tyme]

Well let's just say that you are a normal human. A meltdown refers to the brain moving from a state of reasoning to the emotional brain. Hence, during a meltdown, it is pretty much useless trying to reason with someone. @Josie72 

Therefore, being able to reflect on what has happened will then inform future situations and hopefully you'll see changes in your actions.

Just keep doing what you are doing 🙂