Lived Experience Forum

[oceangirl]

@BlueBay 

In IRL?

I hear you my sister and happy to listen or work though issues with you (listen or work through things). Sometimes we need someone to just listen or to work through things (advice or problem solve). Thinking of you.

[BlueBay]

Hi @BPDSurvivor 

I will tell my psych and see what she suggests. 

i just don’t understand  why now. 
im keeping busy. Will pack some more today. And I’ll also call my dr to see if I can see him. 

I’m trying very hard to not get obsessive with this. I do have a life right now that I want to enjoy. 
maybe I need a break for a few days. Just somewhere different. I don’t know. I need to keep packing. 

once we are in our new home we are going to plan a driving holiday. Possibly early to mid next year. 

you're right I can’t put my life on hold for these past traumas. Even though they are very painful and distressing when flashbacks come. 

thanks for your support xxxxx

[BPDSurvivor]

You are very special and important to me @BlueBay . I want to see you living life. Rolling around with Little A, being able to enjoy watching her grow up…. And NOT be haunted by these flashbacks.

It makes me angry that people do such things… very angry! Yet I also know there’s no reverse gear in life. The longer we stay looking for the reverse gear, the longer we will not be and to go forward.

 Let’s just start by finding the neutral gear. I’m ready to go along with you because I’ve been in that frame of mind.

[BlueBay]

thanks @BPDSurvivor xxxx

i called the drs before to see if i can see another dr as mine is fully booked.  i need to talk to someone and tell them what is going on.  so i have an appt at 2pm then when hubby comes home i will try very hard to explain it all.

i just called the local CATT team, spoke to same lady of yesterday.  she asked if i told hubby and i replied no i just couldn't get the words out so i pretended everything was fine.  but this morning i was walking around the house in tears, just no control.

i have now made a coffee, packed about 4 boxes of kitchen stuff and sitting down for a minute.

i don't want to take any meds to help me relax because i know i will take more than required so i just push on.

so kitchen is almost done, i want to tackle the laundry cupboard but it's too much. so i might give it another go tomorrow.

what are you doing today?   i think for me i need to keep planning for the next few months even after xmas.  it will help, i think, for me to look forward to something.  

chatted on messenger last night to our son in UK.  he is having trouble finding accommodation and a job.  he still wants to stay and is staying very positive that something will come up soon.  i told him that they can come back home if they struggle, but they want to keep going.

i did a very early morning walk along the beach this morning, so quiet and peaceful.  the water was calm.

i better go and pour my coffee, come and join me. xxxx

[Shaz51]

Love to have a culpa with you my sister @BlueBay ❤❤

Hello @BPDSurvivor , @oceangirl. @Paperdaisy , @Snowie xx

[BlueBay]

Glad  @Shaz51 you could join us. 

@BPDSurvivor @oceangirl @Paperdaisy @Snowie @Emelia8 

@tyme @hanami and others 

i went to see a female dr at my clinic as my dr was fully booked. Once I was called in I broke down. Telling her I didn’t know how to cope with these new flashbacks. 
she listened and all I could do was cry. She said it could also the stopping of my anti dep. which is contributing to the flashbacks. And also moving and packing won’t be helping my stress. 

she tried to call my psych’s rooms to urgently get me into hospital. No answer. I ended up going into another room and then my regular dr walked in and asked what’s happened. I told him I wanted to tell him yesterday but couldn’t get the words out. I was sitting there crying. 

both drs went out and discussed what to do. They are trying to contact another psych (as mine is on leave) as back up in case I go to hospital. We all decided best to go home take a med to calm down and see how I go. If not better in a few hours I have to call and go to hospital. 

i don’t want to go. I haven’t even told hubby yet. I’m so scared and emotional to tell him. 

i want to stay in bed and hide away from the world. The only thing my dr is concerned about is me having quite a few meds to calm down. He wasn’t keen for me to have them. 

im going to go for a short walk to get fresh air. 

i need to tell hubby. I just wish I knew how to start. 

emotional 

overwhelmed 

exhausted 

dissociate 

I hate coming off meds. This is first time I’m changing meds at home alone.  Normally it’s done in hospital. 

[hanami]

Hi @BlueBay 

Sorry to hear you're not feeling great. I hope things start calming down for you soon. 

Sending hugs

Hanami

[BlueBay]

Thanks @hanami 

So I just told hubby about my abuse on the train. His reaction was not what I expected. It was like he didn’t believe me. The look on his face said it all. 

i am feeling alone now 

[TuxedoCat]

Hey @BlueBay, sounds like it has been a really big day. You should feel really proud of telling your story and getting support from the GPs (both the new and your regular one!)

feeling exhausted and overwhelmed is totally understandable given everything that's happening. Moving, changing meds, flashbacks. It's a lot to cope with. But I know you've coped before ❤️ And I'm sorry hubby didn't respond how you wanted. Remember, we can't control how other peoples responses. But you still reached out. And thats a good thing.

When you've changed meds in the past, how did you get through it? Is there anything from doing it in hospital you can do at home? 

And about hopsital, sounds like they are really trusting of you to know if you need to go or not  ❤️ 

How was your walk with fresh air?

[BlueBay]

i don't know why they trust me @TuxedoCat because my negative self talk is telling me to just take more than one med (which i only took one this aftrnoon)

i am hopig i can get another appt to see my regular dr this week.  i just need to get through the week as then on monday i see my psych. and she may even suggest hospital 

i feel sick right now, i need to go, i am trying to chat online with a counsellor but can't get through.

i have so much going on at the moment and my mind is racing

need bed i think

i wanted to join BPD forum tonight but i don't think i can cope with all the chats. i might leave it