I call her my partner because she hasn't said she wants the relationship to end. I'm pretty much in limbo land.
There is an unknown time frame for "her taking space for herself by herself". Her words. Having space is and never was an issue if she asked for it. Yet she didn't. Even when I asked her and said it's ok to want some space. She also declined and over a thousand times said so many things that strongly indicated she didn't want space at all. I still checked in once in a while and it was always the same. A radical change very quickly. Now all of a sudden she appears to be acting out that it was me that kept her in that position.
Overall in this whole ten months I have treated her exceptionally well. Immense love, respect, kindness, understanding, compassion, affection, support, teaching her to have her own power and we'll many other things.
How I've been treated, like a punching bag for everyone that done wrong by her. She is well aware now of the damage she has inflicted. I feel like a stranger. I've lost interest in being there anymore. I never did that right either.
The list is too long. The main message I've come away with today is I'll treat you how I like, hold all the power, manipulate you when you are vulnerable and need me but are steeping out on your own and decide when I feel like participating in a relationship with you. Aye, no that's not love.
Upon further reflection, I used to feel beautiful. I don't feel that way anymore. I feel uneasy when she walks in the room. So unattractive, unwanted. She said to me the other night she doesn't even think about intimacy anymore. No further explanation. Of course, I don't have any feelings. I'm actually losing interest in working it out. The old me would commit to couple's counselling and do the work needed. I can see in this case, it's not even worth going down that road. I'm tired of this. It's not the first time I've been in this position. It's the last time though.
There's no trust. I've barricaded myself so I can function. Im tired all the time. I'm a convenience and inconvenience. I said to her yesterday, I used to be so afraid to lose you. I'm not afraid anymore, because I realise I lost you a while ago. I told her to go find someone who can give her what she needs because it's not me and I can't give her what she needs. I think I'm slowly and painfully thinking we may pretty much be over. I'm devastated. I absolutely loved and adored this woman. A pity she didn't see it.
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13 YARN