I pulled an almost all nighter looking for things about my mum

[ArraDreaming]

• sat in the garage couldn’t stop looking on the internet, looking through paperwork, looking through emails and a really small handful of pics, just trying to find anything I could to feel connected to my mum 

• wife came in asked me to come to bed we hung out and both went to sleep, then I woke up got my phone out again in the middle of the night 

• didn’t get much sleep at all 
•  
• looking for any information I can to feel close to my mum, is there things I don’t know that I could find out 
• is there information out there thst can help me 
• Is there confirmation out there that she did/didn’t love me 
• If dad had no influence would she have been able to look after us would she have been well if it wasnt for him
• Trying to look for more pics of her before it all goes from my memory 
• Was it her choice to have us taken away? Probably not no, was it better that way for her that we weren’t there? Probably 
• what kind of grandparent to my kids would she be? 
  
  
• was she ever happy when we were around? 
  
  
  
• reading the documents trying to find information about her, I know she liked purple things but what else did she like?  before she had kids what things did she like to do, none of it’s on there it’s just reports and stuff about us 
•  
• she never wanted us to go I thought she did I always though she wanted to give us up because she hated us but that’s not what happened 
• she really tried she asked the school to help us with food the school gave us food every day because mum asked for it not because they knew we were hungry mum actually tried she fought for us 
• she fought to have us back 
• she put up with my dad cause she thought that was what she had to do

[ArraDreaming]

One day I will contact the bank worker at the bank she used to sit outside of with the dog she used to talk to a bank worker every day she would sometimes talk about him when we could actually have a small conversation he would give her purple zooper doopers on hot days

[ArraDreaming]

I wish my (our) dog could tell me all aBout my mum and what they did together

[ArraDreaming]

I miss you mum

[ArraDreaming]

I wonder if she was around would she want to meet the kids?

[Captain24]

You may never get all the answers you are looking for @ArraDreaming. I understand you want more than you have found though. 

At least you now know that she did want you and that she did fight for you. She obviously cared to contact the school.

You know she liked purple things. Maybe you could get something purple for her memory in your home. 

I hope you can find some peace in that. 

[ArraDreaming]

Purple flowers in our garden

[ArraDreaming]

Are my little siblings wondering the same thing?

[ArraDreaming]

there’s every chance they barely remember her like I do

[tyme]

@ArraDreaming ,

What you have posted is so so special. As @Captain24 said, you may never have all the answers. Yet deep down your heart, you know she tried her best. She made many sacrifices and she held you close to her heart whether she was able to show it or not.

It sounds like she had her own trauma to contend with. Yet, it sounds like she loved you all dearly and I believe Nicki is there because mum gifted her to you as a reminder of her love that will never leave you.

He treasured a photo of you for many years. She was so proud of you but didn't know how to show it. She tried to be the mother you all deserved, and yes, there were times she asked for help - why? because she had the humility to ask and that she wanted to give you opportunities that she may not have been able to provide at that time.

Whatever people do or say, she is your mum, and she always will be,

We is with you in spirit and knows you will make her proud.