@ArraDreaming ,

What you have posted is so so special. As @Captain24 said, you may never have all the answers. Yet deep down your heart, you know she tried her best. She made many sacrifices and she held you close to her heart whether she was able to show it or not.

It sounds like she had her own trauma to contend with. Yet, it sounds like she loved you all dearly and I believe Nicki is there because mum gifted her to you as a reminder of her love that will never leave you.

He treasured a photo of you for many years. She was so proud of you but didn't know how to show it. She tried to be the mother you all deserved, and yes, there were times she asked for help - why? because she had the humility to ask and that she wanted to give you opportunities that she may not have been able to provide at that time.

Whatever people do or say, she is your mum, and she always will be,

We is with you in spirit and knows you will make her proud.