I can’t cope

[Jynx]

@Captain24 Hmmm... being 'walked all over' isn't because you're kind or compassionate tho hun. Tends to be more about how firm we are with our boundaries.... which, if you are kind and compassionate but struggle with boundaries, people will walk all over you - and not always because they're trying to take advantage. Typically it's cos they have no idea they're actually stepping on you. Do you want me to expand a bit further, or is your brain not in spot for taking in information right now? Totally okay if it's not, we can chat about other stuff and come back to it another time. 

[Captain24]

I’m as good at boundaries as everything else in my life. Just like everything else I’m a failure. @Jynx 

I was feeling ok last week. I had a good psych appointment and now I’m nothing but a useless failure. I’m just worthless

I don’t want to be alive. I want to give up on everything. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 when a child grows up without their parents ever having taught them how to ride a bike, do you say 'That child has failed at simple life skills'? Course not! You can easily see that the child was not taught this skill and cannot be blamed for falling off their bike when everyone around em keeps pushing em to ride, despite them not knowing how. 

Boundaries are a life skill too - and a much, much harder one than riding a bike. And more to the point, boundaries are NOT a commonly taught life skill, I mean... I doubt it's a topic in most parenting books! So, just as an adult who was never taught to cycle cannot be called a failure if they fall off their bike, nor can you be called a failure for not being able to suddenly manifest a difficult skill out of nowhere!

What are you up to right now darlin? I'm hearing that the dark cloud is quite thick round ya, so happy to sit with you a while 😉

[Captain24]

My psych did say we need to work on boundaries but I don’t think these are the boundaries she was thinking of. @Jynx. How can your supposedly best traits be your worst? Apparently it’s good to be kind and considerate but right now it’s like they are my worst traits. They sink me into a hole so often. 

Im watching home and away that I missed being at that hell hole. It’s a bit sad so I’ve been crying. 

It’s swallowing me up completely. What I really need right now is someone to hold me and tell me it will all be ok. Someone to tell me that I am someone not just a nothing. Not just atoms taking up space. 

Before I was walked all over last night I was just sitting and thinking how I just don’t want to be alive. I was so calm in those thoughts. So calm in that there will be no future. So calm that it all will end. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I'm scooping you up into the squishiest virtual hug of all time! You're one of my favourite piles of atoms and I'm SO GLAD you take up space!! Pretty please will you try to continue to do so? 

Well 'boundaries' is a pretty big topic so it should be broadly applicable across your life. Maybe this incident is a good example you could talk to your psych about? Especially the part about 'don't worry captain'll do it' cos that to me speaks volumes.

I think that it's not that these wonderful qualities are your 'worst' ones hun, and more that you haven't yet learned how to show kindness and compassion to yourself, which is what makes it harder to implement firm boundaries and harder not to have people take advantage. 

Aye, and that's why suicide ideation is such a common coping method. Because it promises relief from the things that are sources of such agony. It makes sense that it would offer a sense of calm, because it relies on the faulty belief that things will never get better, and thus seems like the best option. You'd get a similar sense of calm if say, I told you I found a magic wand that would make all your stress go away. That's all it is - stress relief. Only problem, is that it's the kind of relief that you don't actually get to enjoy. 

What are you up to at the moment anyway hun? Dogs giving you any mischief? 

[Captain24]

Thanks for the squishy hug @Jynx. I’m not sure I can promise that the atoms will stay though.

I guess I should really write notes for tomorrow. It might make it more beneficial. 

Both my dogs are sitting on me. Both wanting cuddles. I’m about to get them dinner. I’m starting Pix on a little bit of real food tonight with her bland food. It’s the first time I have given her anything since she got sick. She still is t totally recovered. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 no need to make that kinda promise darlin wouldn't ask it of you anyway. All you, or any of us can do, is try. If you can keep trying, that's more than enough for me 😊

Aye could help!! Haha do you also come away from therapy sessions with a big pile of notes you forget to look at ever again or is that just me 🤣

Aww precious little thing! How'd she go with it? No hiccups I hope? Cuddle puddle of pups! How divine!

[Captain24]

Im really sorry but I don’t even know if I want to try @Jynx. Don’t hate me for it. It’s ok if you want to step back. I wouldn’t blame you. 

Yes I write notes and then some of them she follows up on. I do check them just before the next appointment. Last appointment was so good that there wasn’t any notes. 

I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to see if it comes through her. She did enjoy it though. I don’t want her to get sick again. Jetts being all cute. That poor boy isn’t very smart though. 

[Jynx]

I am really sorry @Captain24 this might seem a little jarring but that made me almost laugh, I definitely did a double-take!

Not because it is funny, pls do not ever think I would laugh at the idea... nah it's because I was so caught off-guard by the idea that you think I would step back. 

Step back where? Huh? Why, cos you are struggling to find hope? 

I wish you didn't think of me as someone who would do that to you, or to anyone else here. I think sometimes there's this notion of like... because I get paid, that anything and everything about what I say is... I dunno, inauthentic or 'just what I'm supposed to say' or something. I love this community, I don't step back when one of them is struggling, I step forward. Cos that's what community is all about. So, too bad, I'm even closer to you now. I'll always step forward and sit with you and remind you to rest, to breathe, and that you're not alone 💜

And like... that's okay too hun. You don't have to promise me a damn thing - especially if doing so would only cause you to feel stressed out. That's the opposite of what I want! 

Yeah, I know it to my bones that some days, even trying is just beyond exhausting to contemplate. "More of this? I have been trying! Trying is hard! Trying sucks!!" I get it. 

Tonight you don't have to try. You can just come sit if you like. 💜

Definitely still write notes if it's good! Make notes of the successes, of the positive feelings!!

...Or you know, process therapy however you like lol! Buuuut sometimes it's worth extra to note the positives cos how nice is that to come back to?! Just sayin 😋

Oh my goodness what did he do this time?! Teehee Razz is being VERY floppy, someone wants scritches! But I'm too busy writing essays apparently!! 😅

[Captain24]

I was just giving you the option as I’m just too much @Jynx. There are others that are in need of you. I’m just feel like I’m a burden. 

I do think that you care and are invested in this community. I know it’s your job, I’m sure there are hard times where you just struggle to connect, I do appreciate you and your connection. I do sometimes forget that you are a mod. 

My psych said to me last week that I always try even when it feels like I’m not. I was trying really hard and I felt like I could make it. My psych will be disappointed in me for going backwards. 

There was nothing to write. We just basically chatted. She wrote notes as we were talking but not as much as usual. 

The not very smart one was just looking for Pix. He was starting to get stressed. She was where she often goes, in my room. Why not think of that without having to be told!! 

Poor Razz.. I hope you did get the scratch their belly in between essays

Ive got a really bad headache. My vision isn’t affected yet so hopefully it’s not a migraine