Lived Experience Forum

[Maggie]

@Former-Member  You asked if I’m having a little more ups than downs . No, very much down at the moment. I was interested in reading about your painting, how it helps, and it’s something relatively new. I have found that also. Not in the same ways you are painting, I’m painting stones, and small canvases. Dot art it’s called, mandala. Some days, that’s the only colour I can find, and when I can paint, it really helps. So I understand what you are saying regarding your art. I was sad to read you throw it out, or most of it. We share some of what we do in the Craft Corner  , you might like to share some of yours there, but there’s no pressure to do that.

I too get stuck in the current information overload, and need to know what’s happening. We are ok for the moment, but no one really knows from one day to the other.

Its nice seeing you around. Take care of yourself where you can. I understand it’s easier said than done. Sending some 💞💞

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Former-Member.  

Sorry, I missed your post back to me earlier in the day .....

My situation is very isolated.  The nature of my soon2bX's condution is that he is highly manipulative, lacks empathy, and will play everyone off against everyone else, creating no-win situations that damage relationships.  This is already isolating me emotionally from my other kids to try to protect the most vulnerable one, and they can't see what is happening to us ..... I am being tarred, but I have to hold to my convictions, get through this, and wait for the truth of it all to surface eventually.  It's a rough ride, and there is something called trauma-bonding involved for the kids, which I can't fix for them.  I have to stick it out as a marathon, not a sprint, and there is going to be a lot of hurt involved, but that is the nature of s2bX and we are stuck with that, unfortunately.  There will hopefully be a time when the worst is over and we can try to keep some sort of new "normal".

Counter-weighing is investing in all the self-care activities, events and behaviours you can.  I have problem hair, skin and nails.  I go to the hairdresser whenever I can afford to and get help to manage my hair.  I couldn't do that for a long time, and put up with the struggle, but now I put it onto the self-care side of the scales.  My skin the same.  I am making the effort to take better care of it instead of putting up with the damage that occurs when. I don't.  My nails tear into the nail bed and get infected, hurting to do anything and everything across the day, so a few years ago in the thick of what was a long period of s2bX devaluing our relationship and being nasty I decided to get fake nails ..... not long ones cos I can't manage that ..... but they solved the problem.  No more sore and infected hands, until Covid isolation 😕.  

Someines the self care is a cup of tea.  Other days it is wearing my favourite colour.  My art is a big part of my self care.  Being creative is healing for me.  So is being here in the forums amongst people who understand and care.

My art is multi-disciplinary ..... almost anything you can think of ..... drawing, painting, sculpture, portraits, digital, jewellery-making, textile crafts - weaving, spinning, knittting, crochet, patchwork and quilting, collage, tapestry ..... I love it all.  My mind goes in all directions with it too, from realism to abstract and multi-media.  I am in a course that covers it all in different ways, and I am on my way to a degree.

I understand the concept of being drawn into patterns, and I get that that has the potential to over-extend to take in the whole world .... @nashy is right - you explained that very well.  I guess you appreciate that it is something of an early warning system that you have become atuned to.

[Former-Member]

Hi @nashy 

thank you for letting me know about Topic Tuesday, I haven't looked at the section for ages, will definitely sign up for the art one. Art is probably the best thing I discovered since I became ill, it helps grounding myself in quite a few situations, like I will do some art today, because I struggle a lot with the new Covid outbreaks and now have direct family that is being impacted.

Have a nice day & stay safe x

[Former-Member]

Hi @Maggie 

I'm sorry to read that you are very much down, it's such a hard place to be in. But I'm glad you're doing art too 🙂 That's awesome, and by the way, what you are doing is 100% art too 🙂 For me art is everything creative.I've painted stones before, but I'm not really good at it, too fiddly and uneven surfaces. Dot art is great, it must be so peaceful to focus on dot art. I've only ever tried doing a mandala recently, it was more colouring in than doing anything. I won't be sharing in the craft corner, as I share my photos of my art with friends and I don't want to compromise my annonymity. It would be awesome though. I'll have a look at the craft corner, I'm sure there are heaps of ideas!

Covid is getting a little worse for me now, as I have family and friends that is directly impacted and they are not in Australia, so it is hard for me to support them. With the recent border changes in Australia, it is sinking in that traveling as we know it, will be very different from now on. Unfortunately that means as well that I might not see my family and friends for years. It is unbelievable how much I have taken for granted. I have experienced border closures and restricted (or impossible) travel in my life and the restritions now trigger a lot of old fears.

Take care of yourself & I hope there will be a little sunshine poking through the dark clouds at some point soon, or even a little rainbow x

[Former-Member]

Hi @Faith-and-Hope 

your situation with your s2bX sounds incredibly difficult and I'm sorry you and your kids have to go through this, but I am so proud that you have made this step as it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. The marathon you are in for will eventually have a finish line and there will be wins in between. What is trauma-bonding? I never heard of this before.

I like the way you explain counter-weighing. Sometimes I do those things, when I feel a better, I just find it really hard when I'm unwell as I don't have the energy and feel like I don't deserve anything.

I love trying all new ways of arts and craft. Pre-Covid I attended art therapy and we would do different things every time. With the years I became more open in trying new things, especially things that I hated in childhood, like knitting (I tried it and found that I still hate it...). But my main art is painting. I love colours and I love the texture of paints. Sometimes I just paint with my fingers and hands to feel the paint and mix colours. All my clothes have paint stains... at least I look like an artist 🙂 What kind of art degree do you do? I've been thinking of working on a degree to become an art therapist, but my concentration and memory is a major issue for me and I am still trying to learn how to live with that. I used to be so high functioning before I became ill and now I read a few pages in a easy novel over and over again, because I can't take in the information. That's much easier with art, I can just create 🙂

I've worked a lot on my early warning signs with my care team as I've had suicidal thoughts all my life and since my last attempt they say I'm in a high risk catergory... Unfortunately I also know that when I'm unwell I don't want to recognise early warning signs, because I just don't want to live then. I guess that's why 'I get forced' to have my care team involved in keeping me safe and making decisions for me, much to my dismay as I don't understand why I'm not allowed to make decisions regarding my own life or death. It's a concept I don't understand.

I hope you get to do some art today to make you feel just a little better, I've started on a new canvas so I might do some work on that. Take care x

[Maggie]

@Former-Member  Just dropping off a hi. Sending some 💙💙, hoping you are ok enough.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Maggie 

Thank you for checking in. How are you?

i can't believe it's been a year since I started this thread, I can't believe I'm still or again in this dark place, I decided to just live, live to give me reasons to live. It's not working. I'm doing things, but I feel nothing. I don't feel connected or even physical touch. My reasons not to live make more sense again. I feel stupid. I know that if I talked about it i would feel or be made to feel stupid. It doesn't make sense to others when I talk about reasons to not live. There's no arguing because everyone else just thinks or knows it's wrong. I've been there. I don't want to be there again. I don't see sense in asking for help when I already know the answers. I've made decisions all my life, based on my pros and cons and a bit of gut feeling. I don't know whether I made good or bad decisions because I would never really know if I didn't do the choice, I guess I would never know with this one. I'm sitting here surrounded by beauty and know people love me and I can't feel. I'm tired of talking to myself. I shut up and see if I can find beauty and love.

[Sphinxly]

Hey there @Former-Member,

Sorry you're feeling so numb and defeated. I can see you feel like no one's in your corner because they don't understand you. Thats a really tough space to be in so I'm glad you're sharing that here. Have you spoken to a counsellor today? I wonder if a chat at our Help Centre will be helpful.

Here for you,

Sphinxly🐣

[Former-Member]

Hi @Sphinxly @thank you but I haven't got much connection at the moment and can't speak to them.

[Shaz51]

hello and hugs @Former-Member , sitting with you my friend