Lived Experience Forum

[WIP]

Thanks ladies @Anastasia @Bow 

Ive been slipping for awhile and this knock to my head, and subsequent bruising headaches had taken a big toll on me. My sister has basically said she only wants contact when I'm well. And I just don't believe I'll ever get well. It's such a long road to recovery, and I have no idea where the finish line is - just that I can't see it.

Im so very lonely and when your own sisters doesn't want to know you, that's a problem. I'm going to be on my own forever - who's going to want to involved with something like me?!?  They'd run a mile.

Anyway, that's enough dribble for tonight, I could keep going with more, but don't want to bore you.

Sleep well lovelies. xx

[WIP]

I'm feeling so disappointed in myself today, as I didn't make it to my DBT class.  I had an awful nights sleep, maybe a few half and hour blocks, due to headaches from the bump on my head and also a because my sister & I had a 'text fight'.  I don't know why I expect anything from her, cause she's regularly said she can't help me & only wants to hear from me when I'm 'well' &

not threatening to give up on life and hurt myself etc.  Maybe I just wish for someone to understand how much I'm struggling, but she's not interested. I rang Mum earlier and we go into it too, because she seems to think that this DBT course and new psychologist is going to 'fix me', with hard work. I tried to explain how just the simple things in life a hard enough - showering everyday, going to the supermarket & chemist without freaking out, stop crying every day. 
I don't believe I'm strong enough for this recovery journey. I don't believe I can get better. It's been too long, I've been on my own too long.

My psychologist has me filling a mood diary in daily. It's frightening  reviewing it, because every crucial emotion - sadness, shame, loneliness, fear, SI, crying  are at the high end of the scale - everyday!  Joy is an emotion I haven't been able give a Yes rating to once yet.  I don't know how to smile anymore, I fear that I won't smile again. I'll be on my own forever - with no friends, no on one to love me.  The only reason I haven't acted on my constant SI thoughts, is to be here for my Mum, but we are barking at each other constantly and she is so obviously frustrated with me. I let her down all the time because I'm sick and she's getting so tired of it. The guilt I feel when I let her down is so damaging.

My thoughts are negatively wired, they aren't going to change. 

I'm ok, just another day in uncontrollable tears.

No need to check in moderator, thanks 

[Snowie]

@WIP 

I know we don't really talk but your post resonated with me a lot. Some of your concerns I can relate too also.

I can understand the disappointment in not getting to your DBT class. I have done DBT and felt I let myself down when I didn't make it to my group. It took me awhile (and my psych talking to me about it) to realise that I was putting too much pressure on myself. Sometimes 'self care' is staying home and putting ourselves first.

I have read your posts in the past and you show an enormous amount of strength just to get through each and everyday. Yes most of those days are hard but you are still getting through them.

Please know that you have our support on here. We are behind you all the way.

Take care of you today, you are super important to so many on here.

[WIP]

Dear @Snowie Thank you for taking the time to read my post and then also respond. Thats really kind of you.

I was so looking forward to the start of the DBT course and I'm more than disappointed to have missed the first two classes.  Last week, I can be kind to myself about not being able to go - I was still showing some concussion symptoms & would have had heaps of trouble concentrating.

I'm more so angry, but also disappointed about missing today due to bad sleep - which my pdoc and I have been working on for months and it's still so hot and miss, especially if there's something on my mind.

Im scared also, as you get kicked off the course if you miss more that 2 sessions, so that's in the back of my mind making me super anxious. I've been crying all day. I can't calm down. It's a horrible feeling. 
Yes, I show strength to get through the difficult days, but I expect every day to be difficult - that belief is so deep, that I go to be with the thought, please don't let me wake up.

Im tired of fighting.

[Snowie]

It is hard to function on little sleep @WIP, especially if we have a full on day the next day. 

I too find it hard to sleep at night. I want to sleep to give myself a break yet don't want to sleep because of the nightmares. 🤔

Please be kind to yourself and do some self care for yourself. Hmm, that is so easy to say to others yet so difficult to put in place for ourselves.

Sitting with you 💜

[Bow]

Hey @WIP unfortunately I really don't have any words cause I can relate so much to where you are at. Just know that I understand and will sit with you. 

[WIP]

I find it very difficult to function on little sleep @Snowie My body aches are more intense also.

Im terrible at self care. I just need to try and stop the crying - I've had cold pack on my face, hoping that will work, but it's not.

I know I won't sleep tonight -'I've done nothing physical, and don't feel tired. I don't always have nightmares, but would take some consecutive hours on sleep over nightmares.

Your nightmares must be very confronting if they are enough for you not to want to sleep

[WIP]

Thanks @Bow 

It's just crap and so painful, isn't it?

Thanks for sitting with me. x

[Bow]

Yes it is @WIP 

I've been told that I need to fess up to my gp and pdoc- although really don't know if I can go back to him, at least my gp, about how much I am really struggling, especially the self medicating. Can't though. Can't find the words. 

[Snowie]

I think self care is such a hard thing to do for ourselves @WIP Easy to talk about, hard to implement.

Have to go take Daughter to a friends house. Will be back on later and will check in on you.

Take care of you 💜

@Bow you too hon, take care of you 💜