Lived Experience Forum

[j___________]

Hi

I’m new to a diagnosis of CPTSD. However I think that I have BPD with multiple traumas. At the moment I’m waiting on a hospital admission. I’ve had MH struggles for 30+ years and I’m female. 
Currently I’m dealing with intrusive negative thoughts about myself and suicidal ideation is quite intense. I’m safe. I’m not acting on my thoughts but due to having been weaned off a medication for pain my thoughts are becoming more distressing. I’ve had trouble in the past trusting health professionals but the part few years I’ve had some wonderful practitioners for the first time in my life that I know that there’s something more going on with me than the severe depression and sleep issues that have been diagnosed in the past. I’m tired of getting the run around and changes in medications in the past five years that have made things worse.

Any advice on how I navigate my upcoming admission and finally get the right diagnosis? I’m exhausted from trying to get help and help not being forthcoming.

TIA

[tyme]

Hey @j___________ ,

Thank you for sharing. I'm hearing how you are looking to get a diagnosis as you have been struggling for 30 odd years. It's certainly a long time, and I am guessing it hasn't been easy at all. 

Is this a planned admission into a private hospital?

I have BPD, but I've never had a planned admission into a private hospital. I've only had planned admissions into PARC (prevention and recovery centres). I was deemed 'too high risk' to be in a private setting due to my chronic suicidal ideation.

From this upcoming admission, what were YOU wanting to achieve?

[j___________]

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate you sharing your experience!
I’ve had many hospital admissions over the years, both public and private. I hear you re suicidal ideation. I’m so sorry that you have experienced that. This is a big problem for me too. Intrusive thought loops that I seem to be stuck in. I meditate (mindfulness and yoga nidra are helpful), but even then I can’t perfect techniques, as my thoughts are constant. It’s a bit frustrating!
This admission will be in a private facility. My last four admissions were with the public system and have been helpful to get me through ‘crisis’, but my medication regime has been tweaked so much that I’m I need a longer stay with that the public system can’t offer. I do hope for a more definitive diagnosis, sort my meds and give me some coping strategies so that I can feel a sense of hope - which I’ve lost.

I’ve heard that PARC is a great resource, but I’ve been told that there isn’t such a facility in the state that I live in and even if there was I wouldn’t be eligible.
I know that medication isn’t the be all and end all. Just hoping that there might be something that might help me more than what I’m currently prescribed.

I’ve started with schema therapy with my psychologist. I’m a bit dubious as to whether it will help, but willing to try anything at this point in my life.

Thanks again for your reply.

[tyme]

Actually, part of me having BPD is that I have chronic suicidal ideation. That is, I'm feeling really good and well, but the intrusive thoughts of suicide still flood my mind. However, through learning ACT skills, I've learnt to push these thought at the back of my mind. @j___________ 

My psychologist said they may be thoughts I'd live with for the rest of my life, but I'm okay with that because I know I'm not going to act on them, and I know I'm in such a good place in my life now.

So does that mean that your planned admission is for a medication review and to get a diagnosis?

For BPD, unfortunately/fortunately, it's not medication that 'cures' it. It requires extensive talking therapy to help you find more helpful ways to think. I underwent 18 months of twice-weekly MBT (both individual and group therapy), and I had talking therapy over a number of years involving DBT, CBT and ACT skills to get me to where I am now.

Of course I'm not saying you have BPD. I know you are thinking that you may have BPD. I was diagnosed in hospital actually.

I look forward to hearing how you go.