Lived Experience Forum

[kristin]

Hey @Rick 

I hear how much this has stomped on that old trigger - ever live-wired to red alert. When I saw it (and that you haven't posted since) I was worried that may have been the case - though you were ever so gracious and respectful in your response to Seuss. I wondered because I have a similar button (as I expect many of us do in various forms) - when I get something wrong I experience the most extreme shame and guilt - even when the adult in me can see that it was an understandable mistake and I have done my best to redress it. The latter moderation is nothing compared to the unleashed self-hate rampaging around my mind, heaping recrimination upon recrimination.

I've been trying to find something, anything, which might help somewhat (at least in the longer term) - here are a couple of the things I found (the others don't make scratch with the new mod)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wUac2ZXyWM (from a series called Tara Talks, which are short but I think quite good from what I listened to)

http://www.trauma-pages.com/ has lots of articles on PTSD, though they are in research-speak so hard to get one's head around.

Thinking of you, and praying for a break-through to some much needed calm and peace. In the meantime, as always, hope endures my friend.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

[Rick]

Day 3 of confusion, paranoia,hypervigilance, crying,flash backs and chills.

t's interesting when you look at all the stuff happening that there is enough time in the day for all this to stuff be.

Yesterday I went to see my Doc at 8 am. earlier than usual. I got there at quater to eight. 

At 8 oclock no one was there. So I left.

At 5 past eight I get an irritated phone call from my Doc.

He's not happy that I left. He tells me that he has to pay rent and that he bulk bills me and implies I should be grateful for that. Which I am. 

He says he's just reflecting this to me.

What I hear is that I am an ungrateful pain in the arse. That I should have stayed longer. I am unreasonable and a burden to carry. That I owe him. That I'm responsible whether he can pay the rent or not. 

But at 8am and noone being there I just assumed I'd made a mistake. I had found it very difficult to leave the house that morning and I really wanted to get back to my security blanket.

I also assumed that if there were early appointments they would be at the clinic early to see that said appointments would be on time. It's what I would do.

So it seems I'm a f#ckup!

Triggers 

I am now so confused. I think I know what everyone is thinking about me. And of course they must be weighing up the consideration of dumping me.

Fair enough too.

I know this is'nt probably the case, Tho I don't know for sure.

My head is a spinning tangle of barbed wire, And it really hurts.

I know the neurological reasons but it does'nt impact the symptoms. 

I'm so very upset confused and frightened all for no real reason but that's what's happening.

Losing my mind again.Having desperate thoughts. Won't act on them it's ok, no danger there, they are just present and stronger than I've had for awhile. Can't call anyone, don't trust them to react well. That's not being fair to them Iknow, but it

's what is happening.

Such dualism.

Can see the rational can't feel it tho. Buffeted by swirling nasty emotion and thought. It won't stop no matter what I think of rationally.

this is totally crap

[kristin]

Hey @Rick 

That sounds like hell. Sorry you are suffering so much, wish I could help more. Utterly exhausting stuff. Small wonder you don't have a lot of enrgy or patience to hang around when you think you've made a mistake about the appointment time. Please try to be kind to yourself on this one. It is so easy to do.

To be honest I think the rent comment is a bit unfair. The rent is not your responsibility. Maybe it would be more helpful if he asked that next time if you're unsure can you please wait until 5 minutes past the appointment time?

My psych also bulk bills me, but she doesn't put guilt trips on me about it. I try to take the approach that I will always be on time if I can manage it (so not driving like a maniac, but leaving in plenty of time to get there), but try to wait patiently for her if she is running late (often). Sometimes I'm ok with this and others I'm in tears in the waiting area if she's running late. I know that sometimes it is me she runs overtime with because I am struggling, so I try not to begrudge it of the next person (it's still very hard at times).

I hear what you say about the rooms not being open,and that you'd make sure they were if it was you. I think we are probably a lot more committed to keeping our word to others than most people, because we don't want to cause the intense hurt we experience when we are let down - it feels like another betrayal. In that space it is so hard to remember that sometimes other people have bad days, sleep in, get stuck in traffic, etc.

You are most definitely NOT a f#ckup! You are a good person, and you've made an understandable mistake. Does your psych know that you struggled to get there and bolted back home to safety when you thought you were in the wrong (and then found out leaving was in the wrong)? Maybe he might be a little more compassionate about your leaving if he did?

When my agoraphobia is rampant I have trouble going out to see my psych even when I'm really hanging out to talk with her - which I was a fair bit through December.

How long have you been seeing this guy? I don't think he's likely to dump you. We most certainly aren't. It would not be fair enough. Friends stand by each other through thick and thin. That's what friendship is in my book. When things look pear-shaped you talk about it and sort it out. That can be painful, but very worthwhile because it leads to growth, and a stronger friendship.

You say "I'm so very upset confused and frightened all for no real reason" but I can see a very real possible reason: your Doc is very important to you, and he's expressed some level of displeasure with your choice yesterday. I don't need much to guess what the consequences were if your adoptive mother was displeased - my friend could this be the source of the upset, confusion and terror?

Please try to be gentle with yourself. The rational mind does not control the emotional mind - however much people might like to believe that. And we know this is not born out by the science.

When all the emotional alarms are firing on red alert no amount of intellectual understanding will stop it in my experience. It does help a tiny bit to know, but what helped (and helps) me most is remembering to offer myself the compassion I try to show others. I know this is terribly hard to do - as we feel we are "different", less deserving because... you know what if I said that of me you'd say BS! And you know this is so. I know how hard and painful it is to try to even begin to feel compassion for this terrified internal child climbing the walls and tearing your hair out. So here's a suggestion- if you cannot bring yourself to practice self-compassion for your own sake can you please try it (and keep at it) for the sake of the people you are so passionate about helping? Can you think of one of the youths you worked with who particularly needed compassion? Or your daughter - what would you offer her in your shoes? Let growth for their sakes carry you over this wide and painful line to cross. It gets a tiny bit easier over time.

Hoping some internal peace prevails...

Blessings, Kristin

[Rick]

My God, it never actually stops, I just get tired and management becomes more diffficult and then I become disheartened and now, I just am sick.

You know I have re read some of things I've said to people in responses to their obvious pain and trouble, and I really come across as an arrogant dickhead. I am such a waste.

I have'nt been able to contribute much of any real worth recently. I am having issues regarding myy emotions and control. I'm either stupidly pissed off, or just sad and grief type stuff.

I'm so frustrated by the fact that I'm on my own. I can't get a job. Noone can do any more than I'm already doing and these employment agencies are sorry. "you don't need our help, you are doing all that can be done." so I hear. But I'm not getting anywhere.

And check this out,

Last week I was invited to be a presenter at the next international psyche conference. I mean how stupid is that?

How did they know my name? why would they think it appropriate? I don't even have a fecking job. 

I just write essays. I don;t get it. I'm don't think I'm good enough or smart enough to do it. why the hell did they ask me? Shite, I'm nobody livingh in nowheresville. And I'm fecking mental.

And I dont even have a job, it's a joke.

So frustrated, 136 job applications. one interview. impossible to get to work so i couldnt take the fecking job.

I'm so tired. hyper vigilance, seeing things out of the corner of my eys, cognitive recall is fuzzy, flash backs, nitemares, weeping, 

And through all of it I feel so very little. Just the basics, no empathy, no connection, kinda dissociated I guess. just a sense of dull acceptance. so grey.

i have experience suicidality since I was seven. The meds I take have stopped this, which is a mercy, I know, but lately, that death wish is there.

Moderators, relax I'm not going to self harm!

Is it ok to say that about the wish? It's one of the things that's going on. But like everything else it's bland. 

I've come to realise I manage life better than some.  I don't know how, because not that long ago, I couldnt manage at all. Maybe the 1950's anidepressants are the reason. Since they actually work and are a little speedy I don't have the pall of death and depression over all the time. But this comorbid stuff is just as bad in it own lovely puke inducing way. And everything right now I tasteless.nd managem And though I will cope aand manage I'm really fecking sick of it.

And just plain mentally sick

Knowing the neurological precursors and understanding the biological imperatives and predacations don't make it stop. Not the last two weeks anyway.

I know I'll come out of it. It always happens. Like a cycle that can't be predicted before hand but you know it will end. The present though is getting tougher.

Y'know I don't even know why I'm posting. Maybe looking for attention? If so then I hate myself even more cos that means those bastards were right all along.

[kato]

@Rick 

rick mate, first and foremost, i have never percieved you as a dickhead. i am also pretty sure no one else on this forum thinks that you are arrogant, your input has been second to none, you have always come from the right space, and your knowledge has provided strength and encouragement for me and others.

i can understand the frustrations you are having in regards to looking for work, i can't even motivate myself to take the next step and even start looking, you are pushing yourself to get out and seek work, which is great, i know it is disheartening, when things don't go to plan, and you start questioning everything that you are doing, i myself find myself questioning everything that i am doing.

That invitation to be a presenter, was from people who have seen what you have written and they acknowledge that you are suitable, it doesn't matter how they came across your name but i know they would have looked into it alot before sending you an invite. You are worthy

I know a lot about the feelings you are having regarding suicidility..... I struggle with the same thoughts day in day out, even get self harm thoughts, i know when dealing with those thoughts alot it takes it's toll, but don't let them define who you are.

And no, you don't come across as seeking attention at all, i read your post a couple of times, and i don't see attention seeking anywhere there, i see someone who is really knowledgable on a number of things, finding himself struggling, and looking for the strength he has perhaps misplaced, but is still there even in what you have written.

Try not too be too hard on yourself mate, you deserve alot of things, and having a place where you can blow off some steam, thank you for sharing what is going on.

Hope endures, you know it does

[Rick]

@kato 

Thanks man,

sometimes when I get sick, a bit like now the self hate is strong. Real.

Can't believe anything else I guess but this too shall pass as it always does and then it will return again.

I hope I did'nt pay for this ride it sucks!

[PeppiPatty]

Dear Rick,

Just started reading your messages.
I don't find you profane at all.
But in this controlled environment, you are doing something not everyone has and that's showing remorse. For someone who has had to endure what you have done, this is a real blink of brightness.

You have been denied the truth in your story by your brothers. You brothers. You have had feelings of despondency and worse.

And you show remorse.
I think the usual way for you to go is to become more inward.....more self involved.
But......
Your not.

That's a gift. I know it's hard. But can you agree that you have seen through keeping your part of being in a shared email of feelings

. I don't think it's true, that your profane though.

[PeppiPatty]

@kristen and @kato,

What inspiring support you are giving Rick...... Rick is so clever isn't he...Kristen I love that extract you posted . short and like the end bit where she says.....you know......prayer position, thank you.
Rick, dear, your supported here by the grooviest people

[kristin]

Dearest @Rick 

My beautiful friend, I am so sorry you are struggling in this mire again so soon. It is a living-in-quicksand kind of thing, never knowing when it might come and suck you under again. 

I can tell how unwell you are because you're saying "I have re read some of things I've said to people in responses to their obvious pain and trouble, and I really come across as an arrogant dickhead. I am such a waste." 

I promise you I am deeply committed to honesty in my friendships, and if I agreed with one bit of this I'd tell you! Instead I think this is actually your learned self-hatred on the rampage. It is definitely NOT true. I agree with @kato  whole-heartedly. Do you you have any idea how heart-warming it is to read one of your thoughtful, considerate, well-informed and to-the-point responses when I'm really struggling? If not then look at some of responses others have made which helped you to feel that we "get it" and you are not alone with MI's vagaries. This is your beautiful gift my friend - this is what you give to others, even when you are in the dark and trying to crawl out. Grace, remember? Also even posting these "I've stuffed up" and "I feel like sh*t" out-pourings are being up-front about the struggles we all seem to have with self-hatred to some degree or other. By speaking your truth about this pain you are making the forum a safer place, a more genuine and honest space. This too is a gift of grace.

As for employers, I'm sorry to say their prejudices are leading to them missing out on an extraordinary employee. Sadly this is so common - the MI stigma. It is not your fault, and really is nothing to do with you personally at all - it is the common ground we all live upon - so please don't allow the hurt and disappointment to make it personal rejection. The fact that you have continued to apply for jobs with so little response is testament to your determination and persistence.

I have no difficulty in understanding why you would be invited to speak at a psych conference:

1. You are very well read and well-informed on the theory of CPTSD, MI and brain injury as a result of abuse.

2. You are a very articulate person with a lived experience, who can share this with others so they "get it" better. (Something quite a few psychs badly need in their ivory towers, and I believe all can benefit from - even the ones who are very compassionate and understanding.)

3. You are a remarkable compassionate peer support person. I think you have a great deal to offer them as a speaker.

I think they have chosen very well. I really hope you accept. Please also consider that: this might be an alternate road to employment door-opening, it would look great on your CV, and you would be representing so many who have no voice.

I don't know if you are familiar with these poems, but I thought you might appreciate them at the moment.

Lizzie, My Lizard Excerpted from Biting the Apple by Jeanie Greensfelder. © 2012.

The brain’s amygdala,
nicknamed lizard-brain,
stays ever alert and wary.
Honed on fear and survival,
my Lizzie pumps cortisol
and disables my cerebral cortex.
Give her a symptom and
Lizzie stalks it to my demise:
sniffles become pneumonia;
a mole becomes melanoma.
Unsure of my acuity, she
repeats her report,
repeats her report,
repeats her report.
Desperate to silence her
I picture holding Lizzie,
stroking her scaly skin,
then containing her in a
terrarium. Through glass,
we stare at each other.
I study this creature
primed to keep me alive
even if it kills me.

Poem - The Plum

You can learn that you cannot be loved by all people

You can be the finest PLUM in the world,

RIPE – JUICY – SUCCULENT

And offer yourself to all.

However you must remember there will always be people who do not like plums.

You can learn to understand that if you are the world’s finest plum,

And someone you like does not like plums

You have a choice of becoming a banana.

However, you need to be warned that if you choose to become a banana,

You will be a second-rate banana,

However, you can always be the best plum.

You need to understand that if you choose to be a second-rate banana,

There will always be people who do not like bananas,

Furthermore, you can spend your life trying to become the best banana (which is impossible if you are a plum),

Or: You can seek again to be the

BEST PLUM!!

When you are not overwhelmed by the tsunami of triggering you have quite a strong sense of your value as a "plum". Please hold onto that, and be gentle with yourself through this storm.

You and I know that even in the midst of the tsunami, even when it is fragile,

hope endures...

& hugs to you my friend!

Kindest regards, 

Kristin

[NikNik]

Hi Rick,

Really sad to read you're going through this crappy stuff, however, I'm really glad you can see the other side.

You're a blessing to this forum.
Nik