Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

@ShiningStar 

I ready your message a few days back. I hope things are going well for you. I have been sick since Sunday afternoon. It has really wiped me out a lot. I'm having quite a few health challenges and high stressors to deal with. It's taking a while to get people to hear me. I feel very alone in my life. It was a horrendous week last week. I really didn't want to be here anymore. 

I'm really struggling to talk to anyone who dances around issues and that do not connect with anything in an emotional level. I'd rather be alone. 

Just wanted to let you know I do like our interactions and will respond when the chaos in me and the chaos outside of me has settled somewhat. 

Some days, I'd just love to build myself a little house away from everyone, everything, society and just go there when I want a break from everything. The world and society is extremely draining to me. 

[Powderfinger]

@ShiningStar 

Hi. I remember you said you have a few appointments this week. There is no hurry to respond. I was really sick and it started on Sunday afternoon. I am actually not quite sure what bought it all on. It is Tuesday night here and I am only just starting to recover. 

I still find it incredibly difficult to communicate properly. I don't think communication is the issue, I think I have just shut down so much, the pain inside of me is so overwhlmingly debilitating and I just cannot find anything to ease it. It is really hard to live in a world where you feel so misunderstood in so many ways. Having the MI that I do, makes me feel even lonelier and even more isolated. I felt ashamed of my mental illness in the relationship that just ended. At times embarrassed about it. Im yet to determine if I was being abused in regards to my MI or if it was me. I cannot make up my mind about it and I am really confused. Whatever the case, it certainly has made me back off entirely from a lot of things and people. I feel because of my MI, I am unworthy. In some ways though when my ex did not speak to me for days on end (I hadnt done anything) she would just cut off communicating with me at all and do her own thing like I wasnt here, like I didnt exist, it did trigger my past and my feelings of abandonment. 

I felt abandoned, ignored and unwanted. Essentially I was actually being ignored and being treated like I didn't exist or wasn invisible did make me feel unwanted. We get told to own our own feelings. How do you own feelings that someone else is causing through their actions?  How was I supposed to feel on top of the world when my partner was doing that? Or like I didnt care or it didnt bother me? What was I supposed to feel. Then I am told my feelings are wrong or I could communicate or do this or do that. I tried everything. This is why I question, was she abusing me regarding my mental illness? One day she screamed at me, saying she was always triggering me with something. That was not really true. I have been living with this MI for quite some time and I have worked very hard to manage my MI. In a sense what she was saying was true because everything I ahd ever opened up to her about, she preyed on in my opinion. For E.G. I have lived on the streets and been homeless. She ended our relationship a few times, told me to leave with nowehere to go, I didnt know anyone either and then completely ignored me. I had moved states to be with her. So, yes in my opinion how much was she really trying not to further cause me more trauma on top of existing trauma. If anyone has ever lived on the streets nobody knows what that is like. 

Then there is the whole time I copped it from her telling me over  and over and over again to take responsibility for things I'd done when I had done nothing. I would ask her, please tell me what I have done so we can talk about it and work it out. Sometimes there would be no answer and other times it would be what somebody else ahd done that she wanted me to take responsibility for. I would stand up for myself and that would just make matters worse. If there was no answer I would be racking my brains to think what I had done because she wouldn't tell me. I took responsibility if I had done something that wasnt right and I apologised plus never did it again. We all make mistakes. It wasnt good enough. She would continue to rake me over the coals and bring it up every time she wasn't happy about something. My MI is very hard to deal with but I never got any support from her. I read sometimes about partners supporting their spouses and all I think in my head is I am just a burden like I always was. Im really have lost a lot of faith and hope in any of my dreams. I truly do think I ahve reached a place in my life at 41 years old to let go of my dreams. I have let go of one I carried for years. I think I need to let go of the others too because those dreams have caused me nothing but pain. Maybe my dreams were actually not all they cracked up to be. I dont know I feel something isnide me has just really snapped and I those dreamsn are not mine anymore. 

I am deeply sad and broken. I don't know why I have been betrayed, hurt and treated badly again. All I know is that I cannot do it anymore. I am not prepared to risk my heart and soul again because this time round almost cost me my life. I cannot go another round ever again. That is how I truly feel inside of myself. I just cannot allow myself to get hurt like this anymore. I reached my enough. 

I hope things are going good with you and you are having a nice week. 

Powderfinger.

[ShiningStar]

Hi @Powderfinger 

It’s lovely to hear from you and I’m so pleased that you were able to read my earlier message 

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been unwell since Sunday afternoon and that life is just so challenging for you right now 

Absolutely  feeling unheard and being unable to connect with others on a deeper emotional level can really compound feelings of loneliness and leave us feeling even more alone, lost and isolated 

Please don’t worry about the length of time that it may take you to respond - there’s absolutely no pressure or expectations  just reach back whenever you feel ready and able 

Thinking of you 

ShiningStar 

[ShiningStar]

Hi @Powderfinger 

It’s lovely to hear from you 

Thank you for remembering that I’ve had some appointments this week - it’s been a busy time 

I’m so pleased to hear that you’re starting to recover from feeling unwell 

Living with emotional pain can be extremely debilitating and it definitely has the potential to impact our lives in so many different ways. I’m so sorry to hear that this is an ongoing battle for you and that you’re still searching for some relief 

Absolutely  Living with mental health issues can be an incredibly lonely experience  Feelings of shame and embarrassment are just so powerful and sometimes as a result of these, we can find ourselves withdrawing from life and those around us, which can result in our world shrinking even further 

Being able to connect with people on a deeper level so that we feel heard and understood and as though someone ‘gets us’ is so important  Feeling invisible and insignificant in the presence of our loved ones and those around us is a truly painful experience 

I can really hear how desperately you’re trying to understand what happened in your relationship and more specifically, if you've experienced emotional abuse. This is certainly a thought provoking and extremely important question that deserves the utmost respect, care and careful consideration in terms of how it’s answered. As such, I just wanted to ever so gently encourage you to consider seeking some professional support in relation to this, so that you can receive an appropriate, well considered and informed response that takes into account your own unique circumstances 

The concept of ‘owning our feelings’ can be complicated, as we often have a very different understanding and / or belief in relation to what this means and how this translates into our relationships with others. I truly believe that we feel things for a reason and as such, there are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ feelings. In my experience, just because someone doesn’t understand or can’t relate to why another person feels the way that they do, doesn’t mean that person’s feelings aren’t valid. Our feelings are real and they are important To some degree, I believe that our feelings can serve as a barometer in terms of how we’re faring and provide important information and / or clues about what’s happening for us. Ultimately, I believe that it’s how we respond to our feelings and the ways in which we chose to take care of them that’s important 

It’s truly heartbreaking when we reach a point in our lives when we feel that the only way to protect ourselves from experiencing any further pain is to relinquish our dreams and prevent ourselves from creating new ones. I’m so sorry to hear that this is something that has happened for you 

Sending you love and hugs 

Take care,

ShiningStar