Coming to terms with reality

[eudemonism]

I'd prefer to be dead to be honest with you. But i suppose that falls into the hands of the pea brains who are in charge.

[eudemonism]

Im all honesty @Former-Member i havent been doing very much at all. Visit someone from time to time. Have the occasional visitor. Call lifeline. Sleep. Eat. Shower. Washing. Cleaning. Do the shopping. Walk occasionally. Im feeling clinically ill for a large part of each day. And thinking i would prefer to be dead.

[Former-Member]

hello @eudemonism

sounds like it has been difficult for you

yes your description of your feelings does resemble depression

that would explain the struggle to get going in the mornings and get things done 

it would also make having the dog more of an ordeal than pleasure

this does not have to be permanent 

I have depression on and off...sometimes it is just an adjustment of medication 

are you able to get in to see your gp and discuss changes in your mood?

do you think that you could cope with the dog until then or is it all too hard now?

seems a shame it sounded as though you really loved him before?

let me know what you decide and how you are feeling when you feel up to it

me...I am practising living in the now..not the past..not the future

[eudemonism]

Ah look @Former-Member there only so much the doctor can do without drugging me up on pharmaceutical drugs. And i got issues with who he is as a person. Because he told me a lie around the time the broken menta health system put me on a cto. I've heard everything the doctor got to say....

And well, the dog has chewed up one on my favourite jackets. So he really didn't help himself bye doing that. And I'm working out that he is a destroyer, needy and demanding. And it's taking it's toll on my wellbeing.

I woke up this morning feeling terrible and miserable. And i had my smokes. Had my coffee. Turned the TV on. And called someone. And now I'm trying to deal with getting on with the day. And i actual feel like just laying back down in bed thanks to the medication.

I really do not like the doctor who is treating me. Or any other doctors or health professionals. Cause they all full of it as far as I'm concerned!

[eudemonism]

They wanna lie to me. And break and bend the rules to suite them. I can also do that in return.....

To hell with the mental health system!

[eudemonism]

All the mental health system do is cover up acts of evil with greater acts of evil and make their patients suffer to the point of breaking. Then call them well managed and keep records on them. Hooray for them. And their pitiful existences.

[Former-Member]

@eudemonism

I can understand you losing faith in your doctor

he or she does not sound very compassionate from what you have written

sadly there are people like that in the medical field...I myself have had to change surgeries because of the things that were said to me on one occasion after coming out of hospital

are there other people who live in the same complex as you who have a doctor they could recommend?

I have found a very good psychiatrist now...had a couple whom I stopped seeing ..the same with a psychologist

this psychiatrist answers all of my questions even when I can tell he feels uncomfortable...the point is that is what they are there for...providing we always respect them even though we might be angry with them,,then we need to be able to tell them how we are feeling.,.. in your case the medication is stopping you from having a quality of life..

you have probably heard this all before and I am so sorry the last thing I want to do is lecture you or tell you how to live your life

as for your dog..yes when they are young they play up and chew..destroy stuff.. you probably are better off rehoming him if he is more of a nuisance than anything...you tried so dont blame yourself

try to get some fresh air earlier in the day then rest not sleep later

let me know how you are feeling tomorrow...I will check in to read your post

[eudemonism]

Oh well, one minute the nurses and support worker are saying im doing fine off my medication. And then next minute their acting like a swat team to get me back on my medication...

So @Former-Member ... it is rather ironic.... and in my honest opinon i did not need to be put back on my medication. I went through the adjusting stage which was absolutely horrible. Meaning all the side effects slowly but surely kicked back in. And now my physical life has just deteriorated big time. And im back to the same old thing.

There was massive breaches of conduct in the process of getting me back on my medication.

[eudemonism]

The good life @Former-Member ... is really not that hard to achieve. Its pretty simple and straight forward. Exercise, good food, socialize and be intellectually stimulated. Etcetera.

From start to finish of my life. I'd honestly say it's been a rat race. And I've been constantly brought down bye the world around me. And really had no other options other then participating in the games people like to play. And at the end of the day i been left in the hands of the mental health system. To be brain washed and labeled as mentally ill.

There is genuinely nobody that really cares about me. Unless its in their job description as a medical professional. Or unless im apart of what they need and want in that very moment of time. Which they use to their own advantages. Its, a cruel and nasty reality for everybody really... but ya know, when youve been pushed to the limits of being used and abused and then put in the reject bin. (One to many times ) So the process can start again. It becomes a big burden to bare.

[eudemonism]

What is life about? Im not sure exactly... health, happiness, contentment, being loved. And having the ability to achieve the things you need to maintain such qualities of life. Among other traits that humans find helpful to be giving and receiving. Mercy, forgiveness, compassion, acceptance and understanding. Meaning and purpose...

My illness has played games with my mind for a very long time now. And it has all been derived from real life. You could say it has been my conscience, my spirit, my inner voice. Angels or demons... good and evil... -all of the problems in my mind. Stem back through time to actual events and incidences. Be it good or bad things... and it has destroyed my ability to function properly or (how I'd like too) meaning, provide myself with the things i need and want in life. Working, building a career, maintaining a relationship and partnership. Owning a home. And doing what i need too survive and thrive.

Even the simple stuff. Like eating healthy food. Exercising. Good hygiene. Being discerning. Having quality relationships. It has all been hard to maintain.

And the system has just absorbed me... and all the professionals have done their very best to get me functioning well and living as good a life as can be. But the essence of my problems (mental health issues ) still remain alive and well. And i get frustrated when i turn to them and its the feeling of the merry go round effect. And the full circle effect.

This morning was a prime example. At one stage i was thinking. Walk down the beech with dog. Visit parents. Cook some nice food. And get some reading and writing done. But i started thinking about my reputation and identity in the eyes of others. And being confronted with this on the other side of my door. And i scrapped that plan pretty quickly. And decided to lay down again.

@Former-Member what you think about all this stuff?

Then i revert to thinking about sourcing support and help from professionals. So come 9am im gonna call the support worker and see if he wants to catch up and talk. Make no mistake about it. Im very annoyed about being Medicated! And being stuck in this position. Especially when things get tough...

So i suppose you could say that. The essence of all my symptoms are perfectly normal reactions. Against trying to process my life story. And in particular key moments of my story. Be it good or bad. (Side 1 ) and (side 2) is getting on with life be it good or bad for my existence and trying to turn it into what im wanting. Which im responsible for and in control of. Which me illness hinders the process of.

Geez i carry on like a pork chop sometimes.