Coming to terms with reality

[eudemonism]

Well thanks very much for your kind and supportive words @Former-Member it's kind of like not being able to move with out making a wrong move and having no one to blame except yourself while there is a list of people in your mind who supposed to be helping.

I would really love to be doing some part time work. Or volunteering. Or study. But it really seems to hard at this point in time so i don't even bother trying to make it happen for myself. I'd like to be in control of my thoughts, actions and emotions. But, it's basically a case of rolling with what the day throws at me.

I lay a mental blueprint onto reality of what I'd like life to be like in the present and the future. And it really don't match up! Too much hard work needs to be done! Instead I'm left to deal with what it's really like and i become very annoyed, agitated, angry and frustrated. Cause a lot of things have gone wrong in the past. And the present and the future ain't no fairytale. (Sorry about all the complicated talk )
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Facing reality is very difficult. Because i think i have to face myself in the process and i also have to deal with all things that aren't as they should be in my mind. And it's heartbreaking! And there is that genuine fear that it'll be the same as it has always been. Just in a different time and place.

I've tried to research stuff that will help me. And have read religious litreture. Ancient philosophies (spiritual stuff ) looked up videos of counselling techniques and so on and it's helped in some way or another. But it don't completely fix me. And the message and the moral of the story i am picking up on really makes me wild! Because there always the person needing or wanting. Pyschial or mental help. And then the people providing it. And it's a toxic equation to be honest with you when you are always apparently this person who is needing and wanting something that is either mental or physical which others are "providing for you" which takes away their own problems lol. And then there is this level of expectations which supposedly gonna fix you and make ya right. Meanwhile they don't wanna be on the same page as you or deal with the big things that gonna make all the difference. For your present and future wellbeing.

But hey, it's just the way it is... unfortunately!

If you could help me get back on track. And get me doing the simple and important things on a daily basis through encouragement, support, advise and getting to the key and pivotal things in my mind that deter me from doing these things. I'd be muchly appreciative... there is always a little memory that creates a bigger story which is untrue and gets in the way of what my inner voice is saying is good for me and wants me to do. And it rivals me up in enmity with those whom are involved in what i am wanting too do. And i figure that it must be the same for them. And i usuallyresort to what is unhelpful for myself... and wind up in a episode of symptoms. In which i become the person needing mental or physical help once again. And am then faced with the people helping themselves. In the process of helping me. Which i have explained. Is very toxic.

Too be cont...

[Former-Member]

hello @eudemonism

thank you for such an honest, open response.

You are an astute, intelligent purpose struggling against extremely difficult symptoms further exacerbated by side effects from strong medication.

Are you actually under the guidance of a psychiatrist to monitor your medication and it's effects, progress, setbacks, anything?

I am happy to encourage you and support your endeavours to get back into everday routines, healthy diet, exercise, hygiene etc.

I will respond to you when I can. I cannot promise that I will be online every day however I will do my best to read your posts and respond as often as I can.

Please understand that I am here to listen because you are a worthwhile human being, who if trying your hardest deserves someone to listen, care and respond.

I want to also let you know that I have an an older son who was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia late last year, after being detained and later put on a community treatment order. He is in total denial, fled the state and we do not know his exact whereabouts. He has in the last couple of months allowed skype messaging, text messaging and an occasional mobile phone call. He has had some dreadful experiences in his mind and believes that his life is in danger, even mine. I support him by listening and trying to reassure him. This is so little but as much as he allows. I am hoping in time that he will let me know where he is so that I can visit him.

So if I can help someone who wants me to, by listening and talking I will.

[eudemonism]

Hi @Former-Member Oh ok. That must be hard to deal with. I wouldn't know what to do if i was in either situation you're describing. denial or not the problems still remain. Meaning, even if someone wasn't in denial the problems they're faced with ain't going away. But, maybe easier to deal with when treated.

I'm usually alone and don't like being around people for too long. Because problems arise. Dilemmas. Dramas. I don't get much peace of mind. It's always racing thoughts about this or that. When I'm being treated bye the system it's usually system based stuff. When I'm not. It's usually stuff and people in my "real life " -i always need something to do and get on with or i quickly fall back into being stressed out bye symptoms (which derive themselves from real life )

It's usually a case of everything becomes to hard and i resort to sitting at home and going around the bend. And calling crisis support. Or doing things at home which has limitations. (Which internally feels very frustrating )

I'm sorry to hear about your son and the situation you're going through. (What you're hearing from me is based on 12 years in the psychiatric system and has a prognosis of a lifetime sentence in the system ) psychiatric also means holy...

I don't really like psychiatrists. And it don't bother me if i never see one ever again. I actually despise them to be honest with you! Besides that, they like to play the game bye their rules which they bend and break to suite themselves and the system they work for. So there is really only so much they can do for the patient before jt becomes their own agenda. (Trained, qualified highly paid and motivated ) they all are )

I would like to be doing more stuff which supports good mental and physical health and general wellbeing and peace of mind type of thing. But, instead of doing what helps me achieve this. I resort to thinking about stuff that stresses me and gets on my nerves. And yes! Quite often the system is in the thick of this stressful stuff. And if it's not those from the system it's people from my personal life.

At age 19 i was detained. And 12 years later i have found myself in mental health housing. On the disability support pension. And receiving a monthly depot injection. And relying on doctors, nurses, psychiatrists, psychologists, support workers, mental health group facilitators, workers in the community and so on. You know what they say about. "If you can't beat em, join em!" Ain't got a lot of other options really. It's quite a toxic situation actually. And hard to come to terms with the fact. That I'm basically a "prisoner of psychiatry " "could be worse "

I have let go of my dreams and what I'd like life to be like. And just settled for what it is...

[Former-Member]

@eudemonism

just wanted to stop by quickly

I have read your response

i have to jump in the shower. i have my pschiatrist appointment this morning.

i shall write back when I have the time to read again what you have expressed and then respond. I do not want to upset you in any way.

i think that the world has already done a very good job of doing that.

i am glad that you are on here though.

i dont know if you have done this before.  as shallow as it sounds, writing on here is a step in another direction. you are actually conversing with real people.

speak soon

take care

[eudemonism]

It's ok. I was just having audio and visual hallucinations about hurting people from the system because of what they have done to me. A dose of honesty is always good. And now I'm lying down because i have barely any motivation from the medication. Quite often i will day dream and have visual and audio hallucinations about hurting people from the system because of what they have done too me and thetreatment i am receiving from them. It's a way for myself to resolve what they have done to me. And make it right. I wish i had nothing to do with them and they hadn't trapped me into this psychological Web of deceit and lies and falsehood. But it's all apart of being a prisoner of psychiatry i suppose. Not much i can do about it. I would be getting on with "my life " if i had the energy, motivation and confidence too. But when you're Medicated to the eye balls for years on end. There not a lot else that be done. @Former-Member does that make sense? I hope it does.

[eudemonism]

I've even asked myself. What's the worst they can do? So now i think it's time to be honest with them. About how what they have done. Are doing. And going to do. Makes me feel. So they can hopefully learn a valuable lesson from it.

[Former-Member]

Hello @eudemonism

you mentioned audio and visual feelings about the people in the system.

are they the people who have given you the depot injection?

are you feeling very medicated at the moment because you have recently had your injection?

I am not a psychiatrist, medically trained or even a counsellor.

I am a human being though with feelings of my own as are you.

I can understand you feeling angry about the medication and directing some of that anger towards those people.

do you listen to classical music through headphones? I read earlier that you like classical music. you also have an interest in more holistic type of therapy.

meditation, mindfulness all can work when we can get started with them. sometimes the hardest part if stopping our mind long enough to be able to start something.

for me my saving grace is getting outside. I ground myself by focussing on nature, weather and the interactions happening.

I have a fabulous cd by Tim Wheater (formerly of the Eurythmics for 3 years)

He is one of the world's best flute players, alongside James Galway.

The cd is called awakenings. I play it at night to s end me off to sleep. For me it is the best music for meditation I have ever listened to. I do love the flute though.

wearing headphones and listening to music is a great way of distracting our troubling thoughts and inner voices, programmed thinking.

walking helps me also. I get very agitated when I cant get out and walk for days with extreme weather patterns.

you mentioned the beach. that is such a beautiful environment to watch and hear those waves crashing in. to wade through the waves. does your dog go in the sea and then drench you? fetch a ball or a stick?

hope that the medication settles and the day eases for you.

tell me about your music and your dog. I would love to hear more.

take care

[Adek]

Hello @eudemonism and @Former-Member. I enjoyed reading on yours input cuz they cliqued and very well harboured into words. But despite the childhood experiences, traumatic life experiences or marital abuse and scientific findings and statistics... I wondered why are we here...stuck within ourselves...wanting to reach out but at the same time hiding behind the barricades we built ourselves. Despite the serotonin levels and neurotransmitters speed scientists been debating on when mental health issues is at stake..there must be a purpose in our creation..our hesitation.. our retreat before retrenched attitude...cuz nothing in the universe is created to be futile...

[Former-Member]

hello @Adek @eudemonism

the all  time question "why are we here"

monty python "the meaning of life" covered it very well

My philosophy about life after spending zillions of time on questioning my line of thinking, is that the answer is different for everyone.

I strongly believe that the language we use is man made. words make up a part of the language.

man did not have the answer before language it seems or was not intelligent enough to ask the question

therefore even though we seek the answer in words, it has not yet been written are my thoughts

why is this so? because there is no evidence again my thoughts

there are many different philosphies, belief systems etc and within those gigantic number of systems there are many proposals offered attempting to answer the almighty question

perhaps if we change the question we might discover within ourselves a satisfactory solution

I am deep

[Adek]

..Life.. VS ...stuck within Life..