Well thanks very much for your kind and supportive words @Former-Member it's kind of like not being able to move with out making a wrong move and having no one to blame except yourself while there is a list of people in your mind who supposed to be helping.

I would really love to be doing some part time work. Or volunteering. Or study. But it really seems to hard at this point in time so i don't even bother trying to make it happen for myself. I'd like to be in control of my thoughts, actions and emotions. But, it's basically a case of rolling with what the day throws at me.

I lay a mental blueprint onto reality of what I'd like life to be like in the present and the future. And it really don't match up! Too much hard work needs to be done! Instead I'm left to deal with what it's really like and i become very annoyed, agitated, angry and frustrated. Cause a lot of things have gone wrong in the past. And the present and the future ain't no fairytale. (Sorry about all the complicated talk )
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Facing reality is very difficult. Because i think i have to face myself in the process and i also have to deal with all things that aren't as they should be in my mind. And it's heartbreaking! And there is that genuine fear that it'll be the same as it has always been. Just in a different time and place.

I've tried to research stuff that will help me. And have read religious litreture. Ancient philosophies (spiritual stuff ) looked up videos of counselling techniques and so on and it's helped in some way or another. But it don't completely fix me. And the message and the moral of the story i am picking up on really makes me wild! Because there always the person needing or wanting. Pyschial or mental help. And then the people providing it. And it's a toxic equation to be honest with you when you are always apparently this person who is needing and wanting something that is either mental or physical which others are "providing for you" which takes away their own problems lol. And then there is this level of expectations which supposedly gonna fix you and make ya right. Meanwhile they don't wanna be on the same page as you or deal with the big things that gonna make all the difference. For your present and future wellbeing.

But hey, it's just the way it is... unfortunately!

If you could help me get back on track. And get me doing the simple and important things on a daily basis through encouragement, support, advise and getting to the key and pivotal things in my mind that deter me from doing these things. I'd be muchly appreciative... there is always a little memory that creates a bigger story which is untrue and gets in the way of what my inner voice is saying is good for me and wants me to do. And it rivals me up in enmity with those whom are involved in what i am wanting too do. And i figure that it must be the same for them. And i usuallyresort to what is unhelpful for myself... and wind up in a episode of symptoms. In which i become the person needing mental or physical help once again. And am then faced with the people helping themselves. In the process of helping me. Which i have explained. Is very toxic.

Too be cont...