Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Hello to whoever is reading this right now. 🙂

I was searching online for some supportive forums and came across this one. I am a 36 year old female who has struggled for years with mental illness. I was first diagnosed with bi-polar disorder at the age of 18, to the most recent diagnosis of having BPD. I have been doing a lot of work, and was interested to see what others have found to be helpful in managing the disease.

It’s almost like I have lived a total of six lives up until now. It’s been tiring, emotionally exhausting, and extremely unsettling to say the least. I guess I finally reached a point where enough was enough. I like to say I was given the gift of desperation. I just couldn’t continue living on the perpetual hamster wheel that seemed to have no end in sight. I finally made a decision to try something different, to do things differently.  I always knew that I had a conscious, and would like to say had great awareness of right from wrong. I just didn’t care! It was my life and I was going to do whatever I wanted and felt, even if it was at the expense of creating complete and utter chaos in someone else’s life.

I understood that liquor was the gasoline that ignited the inferno of madness, so I quickly gave up booze.  I started to go to AA daily, and little by little my obsessions with substances were lifted. I LOVED to numb myself; it was the easiest thing to do, especially when I was in so much pain. Of course I got a sponsor and really started working the program. Next up was DBT therapy; I was blessed to find a group that was offered locally where I live. I started exercising daily which helps me to better deal with the daily stress and anxiety. I almost forgot, for the first time in ever, I am on medicine without drinking. I’m keeping up with my doctor’s appointments. J  Church is also helpful, as is reading and journaling, I do whatever I can with whatever I got.

I would like to think that I’m in a better place, and don’t get me wrong the hard work IS paying off. I just feel like my relationships while dating is always going to be rough. I do currently have a boyfriend and he is very supportive of my recovery and my BPD. I just feel sometimes that I am unable to give him what he needs and deserves, especially as I work on myself and getting better.  I am really struggling with the fact that a relationship may not be what I need right now. Did I mention I am a single mother of 12 year old twins! I do have my hands full, but I like most of the people in the world, want so badly to have a meaningful healthy relationship with someone I love. Would love to hear from you…..

[utopia]

Hi. And welcome. Sorry but your name didn't come up on your post.
well done! You have done a heap of hard work in looking afted your health and ut does sound like it's paying off.
Yes, lonliness is hard. I'm a single mum too - a 14 year old. Yes it would be nice to have a partner in my life.
I guess you need to work out if you can have both. Work in on yourself and having a boyfriend.
Have you discussed it with your boyfriend? Talked about how you feel you can't give any more to the relationship as you are currently doing - as your energy is needed for your recovery? What has he said about this?
Maybe it's also something that you can bring up with your therapist.