Lived Experience Forum

[Mal52]

I'm new to this forum so please be patient with me.

I've lived a lifetime of severe depression, no exaggeration, and most of the time I feel emotionally numb, and yet at the slightest little thing will cry like a baby. I find it extremely difficult to open up and communicate with people. The thought of talking verbally to anyone about my issues terrifies me. I've seen mental health professionals in the past but opted out before they delved too deep.  I partly know the initial cause of my lifelong depression, but I'm not prepared to go there.

[BlueBay]

Hi @Mal52

Thanks for sharing your story.  I feel that only when you are ready you will open up and talk.  And that's only when YOU are ready.  No one else can push you into talking.

I had kept my childhood sexual abuse from my husband and family for over 30 years and it wasn't until I saw a psychologist for stress related to work that I started to feel comfortable and after a few weeks I opened up and told him what had happened.

But be gentle with yuorself.  It is scary and you do feel vulnerable when talking about those deep thoughts; but it also can help you work out things and help you live a happier and healthier life.

Take care, chat again anytime.

[NikNik]

Being vulnerable with a someone can be REALLY hard @Mal52
Can you tell us a bit about what terrifies you? Are you worried about the reaction of the person you tell or what will happen when you disclose?

[utopia]

@Mal52. Thank you for taking the step with talking to us. This takes courage and you should be proud of taking this step. We do not judge on this site. We all have our own backgrounds and history. You do not need to say anything you don't want to.
I'd be lost without my psychologist. He has made all the difference to me feeling better and being able to live a better life.
Can you not talk with a psychologist about your other issues - not your main issue. By doing this and building up trust - you will be able to learn some coping techniques to help with your depression & to being able to feel better about yourself.
It is about putting trust in someone. This can be hard to do. But if you find the right therapist for you - and you stick with it and practice some relaxation and mindfulness exercises - you should find a difference in your moods. A lift in your depression. And this is without disclosing your major issue.
Maybe you could give it a try again.
You have already shown courage and strength by coming onto the forum. Maybe you could take one more step and see a psychologist.
I wish you the best