Lived Experience Forum

[VitaBello]

This is my first post in the SANE Australia forums, and I suspect it won't be my last.

Hello, all. I hope, given it's a Friday, that everyone is feeling a little bit better than Thursday, and a whole lot better than Monday; I know I am. These days, though, that doesn't mean much; or at least, the end of the week doesn't necessarily herald the arbitrary joy that it once did.

I was first alerted to the existence of SANE about three weeks ago following a rather confronting conversation with my psychiatrist in which I was, more or less, diagnosed as having Bipolar II disorder (BP2). At the time I was relieved, having been at wits' end enduring the steep declining efficacy of antidepressants. (I have since learned that an incorrect diagnosis of depression often precedes a correct diagnosis of Bipolar.) My relief, however, was short-lived. Fear, angst and rapid cycling of mood set up camp in my mind. Questions started creeping in:

- could I have prevented this?

- did I cause my BP2 through drug use? Or was drug use a symptom of my condition?

- who, if anyone, in my family might also have BP2? Was it inherited?

- will I pass on the condition to my children? Are my children safe around me?

I have read through so many of the personal accounts on these forums, and a great many of them are utterly tragic. No, tragic is too light a word. Abhorrently confronting and unfathomable. That just about does it. I applaud so many of you for continuing to look for light in darkness; you are so strong.

Reading such accounts made me analyse the tapestry of my own life - it stood in dire, stark contrast to the abuse and pain suffered by many of you. I was raised in a loving family. My parents are still together, and never fought openly (or even behind closed doors) in front of me while growing up. I was privately schooled, where I excelled and received many accolades and achieved greatly. I went on to study at tertiary and then postgraduate levels. I did not excel quite as much there, but I have a nice big bunch of letters after my name. How can I, with all the advantage of my background, have a disorder the same as those who have endured legitimate, heartbreaking, excruciating pain and suffering? It wasn't that I felt I didn't deserve BP2, but rather that I felt guilty that I was diagnosed as such; as though, in my mind - 'How dare I proclaim to have this disorder when I have no reason to - look at the people who do have a reason!' I felt like a phony. I don't know if what I am writing makes sense to anyone but me, but I hope you all understand what I am trying to say.

If I look back over my life, however, I realise that there were periods of trauma. I was never beaten, but I was cheated on spectacularly by my first partner who I deeply loved. I was never sexually abused, but I'll never forget walking in on my Mum in the bathroom when she took her wig off following chemotherapy, completely bald. I have never been racially vilified, but I was almost expelled from university, two years in a row, for an absolutely inexplicable ability to concentrate. I was never bullied at work, but...hang on, yes I was. And it hurt. A lot.

Trauma, I realise, has many different faces. And whilst that experienced by some is by all accounts, in an objective way, diabolical, for others the struggle is less pronounced, but, potentially, no less hurtful or damaging. The old observation that 'she'll be right' has become less and less prominent over time, because its truth has become more and more questionable. She. Will. NOT. Be. Right. Unless. Supported. Appropriately. From what I can see, this is becoming clearer as medicine learns more about mental illness. My psychiatrist told me that were I presenting the symptoms I am now 40 years ago, I would have been told to suck it up. But now, with greater understanding and recognition of the pervasiveness of Bipolar Mood Disorder, the size of the umbrella under which people would stand as diagnosed as having Bipolar has increased hugely. And so, I was not told to suck it up.

Instead, I was medicated - let's call it Medicine 1. Unfortunately, the side effects of Medicine 1 was too strong (dizziness, mainly), so I'll be trying another mood stabiliser (Medicine 2) next week. The mood stabilisation of Medicine 1, however, was incredible. I am quietly excited at the prospect of mood stabilisation without the dizziness - hopefully Medicine 2 will work out for me. The clarity of mind; the observation of historical periods of depression and, more so , mania; the desire to be with my family and my partner; were all pronounced and so very welcome while in a stabilised mood state. I would urge any of you who are considering medication, or battling with it, to persevere.

I'm rambling a bit now, so I'll wrap things up here. But again, hello everyone. I'll be sure to respond to comments and I'm looking forward to being an active contributor in this, a very important space.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend, and that you are happy.

- VitaBello

[Outlanderali]

Hi @VitaBello

Welcome to the forums! And thankyou for your very enthusiastic introduction to everyone. Look forward to seeing you around.

Outlanderali 

[Appleblossom]

Welcome @VitaBello

Yep ... its quite a meandering path. Iliked reading Kubler Ross .. but it wasnt quite enough for me when my sibs went.  Nowadays there is a lot more material available to help put things in perspective.

Not sure about the drug and medicine issues you bring up.  Trial and error ... we are all unique.

Dont apologise for having a relatively supportive childhood.  If it makes you a better person thats a win win for the world.

[Drac0]

Hi @VitaBello and thanks for this interesting post. It is good to hear from someone who feels they were raised in an environment that to many would seem 'different' to what they would believe to be the 'cause' of having a mental illness. Sadly it is misinformation that makes people think you need certain things happen in the past to have bipolar. While the world around may trigger an episode, even the smallest most inane event, mental illness has no boundaries on who it can afflict. Unless something triggers you, you may never know you have a potential problem.

I probably fall in the middle of your examples, having a rough life by most standards but far from the worst or best. One of the biggest helps when dealing with bipolar (and pretty much all MI) is education both for yourself & those around you. People knowing whats going on & how to help & support you is a great thing. I'm glad to see you really want to know how bipolar has affected your life.

You are quite correct about depression being diagnosed as a precursor to a bipolar diagnosis. For me it took 11 grief filled years to move from one to the other. Not only is the mania side not getting treated but there are some drugs reported to increase it, making the problem even worse. I think I tried them all in in those years.

Now to your direct questions.

- could I have prevented this?

No. It's something you have always had, a chemical imbalance in your brain. It just needed the right combination of circumstances to become apparent.

- did I cause my BP2 through drug use? Or was drug use a symptom of my condition?

For the first part, again no. While drug use may have help an episode to trigger it can not cause you to have bipolar. The drugs could well be a symptom of the condition, known as self-medication. Often drugs & alcohol are used as an escape or cover for what's really going on. For me it was more than 20 years of alcohol abuse. Now that I'm in more control of my condition I no longer feel the NEED to drink & rarely do.

- who, if anyone, in my family might also have BP2? Was it inherited?

Tough one this. Really anyone could be affected. There seems to be several factors involved that can trigger bipolar - Genetic (inherited), Biological (chemical) & Environmental which may trigger one of the other two. Because it's been shown that one identical twin can have bipolar while the other doesn't it seems to indicate that it isn't just genetic.

- will I pass on the condition to my children? Are my children safe around me?

Boy, you like the tough questions. Because bipolar is considered to be at least partly generic in some cases, there is always the chance your children may be predisposed to having the disorder. The second part of this is the toughest of all. It really depends upon what you mean by 'safe'. Will they catch it from you? No, but if they already have a predisposition bipolar then your actions, and those of ANYONE around them could be a trigger.

Feeling like a phony is understandable given how mental illness has been portrayed over the years, it's part of the stigma. Your case just shows that there is no set of rules as to who can be afflicted or why. It doesn't need a reason. It doesn't need what would be considered major trauma to be there. Everyone is different and it may only take a minor thing to trigger a response in someone. I certainly know for myself that it took very little to trigger my violent mood swings.

And you're quite correct, the 'she'll be right' is past it's use-by date in relation to mental illness. Along with 'sucking it up' it is a thing of the past. We now know that following these credo's can only lead to bigger problems later. Sadly even today too many people still think this is the way you should go. Don't let those around fall into the trap of thinking this is how you should be.

I really hope you get your meds sorted soon. It can take a lot of trial & error to get the right combinations to help & then there is no guarantee they will continue to work for you. Stick with it.

Look forward to your future posts.

Take care.