Lived Experience Forum

[Bridgetjones]

I was out today and nearly ran into my ex. Seeing him stirred up feelings of wanting to get together with him. Intellectually I know he isnt right for me and what we have is always unhealthy. I know I shouldnt go there again yet I cant resist him. I guess Im just lonely for male company and miss the great hugs with him. He has many issues that are 'red flags'- incessantly unreliable, alcoholic, untreated depression, easily angered and comes from violent background. He also never apologises for anything he does. Sorry isnt in his vocabulary. My psychologist says Im in this pattern with him because people are drawn to the familiar. Things have never been great with him yet he is familiar. I always think that maybe if we try one more time it may get better but after years of thinking that the situation remains the same with him. Tips to help me move on would be greatly appreciated.

[Mac]

Hi Bridget Jones I have a husband that has mentally abuse me for years used to hit me as well he doesn't hit me any more but the fear is still there. I still don't know how to get out so my advice is to stay away a leopard never changes there spots you sound like a good person that has been though quite a bit already be good to yourself.

[mrkotter]

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@Bridgetjones wrote:
Tips to help me move on would be greatly appreciated.

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Hey @Bridgetjones always tough to work through an issue like this. Ex's raise a lot of mixed feelings. 

Can I suggest starting a list of why you would want to get back with him and why you don't. I find doing this just clarifies and cements what I think. It often helps me to stop thinking about something. 

[Bridgetjones]

Hi @mrkotter :-). Thanks for your reply. Thats good advice. I have written such a list in the past. Had 20 reasons to not be with him and 3 to be with him. The list would still be the same now. It proves that I dont really need him. My interest in him is not based on reality but feelings which are misleading.

[utopia]

@Bridgetjones I like the @mrkotter gave. Writing down what his character is really like - why he's no good for you.
Maybe on a separate sheet of paper you can write down the characteristics and values you would like in a partner. Be as detailed as you can be.
I know when I broke up with my ex husband - I was relieved. He wasn't right for me. Then I would want him back. My emotions spinning like a revolving door.
My therapist at the time summed it up perfectly - I was missing not my partner - I was missing the idea of love - the idea of a healthy relationship.
I hope this helps you

[Sahara]

After I left my ex, he kept texting me, wanting to meet up and say our final "Goodbyes". Like we were in some kind of melodramatic movie or something. I ignored his texts, because I thought he would use it as an opportunity to try and make me feel guilty for leaving him. 

I can get very emotional and I thought if I did meet up with him, I would start crying and he would take this to mean that I still had feelings for him and try to manipulate the situation.

So we never said a proper 'goodbye'. I just packed up my things and left one day (while he was at work), because I was so certain that leaving was the right thing to do. 

My ex was an emotionally abusive, manipulative liar. He only ever used me and was emotionally cold and uncaring. 

I have often thought that I should write down all my feelings about the relationship in a letter addressed to him. Then I would just burn the letter. I wouldn't send it. But it would allow me to release a lot of stuff and let it all go. Just thinking about doing this makes me nervous and  our relationship ended 10 years ago!

I have since married a lovely man.

@Bridgetjones, maybe you could try something like that? You could write the letter and then read it out to your therapist.