Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

I am struggling today as its my dads birthday and I can't see him. He and my mum are not talking to me they abandoned me after I told them of my childhood abuse 5 yrs ago.
I'm trying to stay busy but he keeps coming up in my mind.
So emotional it's so not fair.

[Appleblossom]

it is really good that you have been able to mark it.. even just by posting about it here on line. 

Shows how mature you are.

Sometimes parents are more childish than their children.

I do hope one day they realise what a great daughter they have.

[BlueBay]

Thank you Appleblosdom for your reply. They'll never realise because they hate me. By me telling them of the abuse my mum told me "I have betrayed the family".
J just want a hug. And part of me really angry at them.

[Appleblossom]

Your feelings and wishes are understandable.

I hope becoming a member of the forum comminity can help heal your sense of being cut off and provide companionship.

[Jacques]

Hi @BlueBay,

My sympathies are with you, it is a really difficult situation you are in, would it be possible to make him a Birthday card and write your verse in it, but not send it? it might help you reconcile not being able to tell him how much you love him.

My father is dead so i can't tell him how much i love him either, on his birthday i play his favourite music, food, tv shows, etc. would it be possible to do this, or maybe try to distract with your favourite music, food, etc.

I second what dear @Appleblossom has said, i hope here you find a place to feel welcome and make new friends who do not judge and care for you as you are.

good luck, my thoughts and well wishes are with you, take care

Jacques

[BlueBay]

Hi Jacques

Thanks for replying.  I have sent my dad a birthday present and card and letter a few years ago but it was returned (I am sure by my mum); so I didn't want to send another for fear of being hurt so much more.

So I did write a letter on Sunday and emailed it to my therapist. We talked about it on Tuesday night in my session. It sort of helped me release my anger towards him for not supporting me or sticking up for me instead listening and going on mum's side. I did tell him in my letter that I do love him so much but you know it still hurts me; it feels like I have been kicked in the guts many many times; and to this day I can't work out why.

I try to stay strong and happy but at the moment I am falling apart very quickly.  I really don't know how to let go of my parents; how to move forward.  Even my therapist is stuck and cannot believe how they are treating me.

I guess today is another day and another birthday for him has passed.  But it doesn't get easier. 

[Jacques]

Hi @BlueBay,

I understand that is why i thought you could write a letter but not post it, put it in a draw or something.

I understand the pain of being rejected by family, my story is long, but at the age of 5 i was told never to contact my fathers side of the family ever again, i don't know who half my family is and it has always been a heavy burden to bear, friends come and go but family should support you no matter what. 

I am glad you are getting these things out with your therapist, it may hurt and may bring up some bad memories, but in time it wil lhelp process the trauma and allow you to move on with your life, maybe one day you can start a little family of your own and be able to let go.

Because my fathers family stoped contact with him, mum and i where his whole world, maybe when you get a family of your own if you so chose it will be extra special to you 🙂

hugs @BlueBay, i know the pain, try to do something nice for yourself today, take care

Jacques

[Appleblossom]

Hope you are better today @BlueBay?

There is something about many family dynamics that skews and distorts natural love within the group. 

I kept contact with my mother becasue we had suffered a lot of loss but in the end she used that contact to undermine and destroy my health and confidence.

Some posters on the forum have been upset that doctors dont believe how badly their families have treated them... as they say all parents love their children and therefore they re making it up.

For your situation keep alive your sense of being a decent loving person.  If your father has allowed himself to take sides and not champion you that is his loss.  Ground your strength in your experience of being loved, let that part guide you in decisions, not their betrayal.

Sex abuse in childhood is very tricky.  Have you read Maya Angelou "Why the caged bird sings?"

My mother was more interested in flirting with a man who was trying to abuse me ... there are usually reasons .. she was a widow and felt entitled to enjoy anybody who would be charming to her ... but her loyalty to me was always limited.

[BlueBay]

Thanks @Appleblossom & @Jacques for your comments.  I really appreciate the replies. 

Family dynamics are hard at times.  I have always done everything for my parents, whatever they wanted they would call me and I would be there; I would do things for them.  And the one time that I so needed them they are not here forme.  I am married and have 3 adult children (24, 23, 20); they understand about my sexual abuse; they can see what my parents have done to me and how much pain they have caused me.

I try to nuture my kids and be close to them; I love them so much.  At times when I am so down in my deep black hole I haven't given up because of my children.  They are the ones that keep me going.

I know my dad would be very upset deep down but I can't change him; I can't tell him what to do - but - I know that my mum controls him and it really makes me angry, very angry. He has choices like everyone and he has made his choice. If he wants to listen to my mum and believe everything she tells him well thats his problem.  OMG, even though I am saying this - it still hurts so much, they are my parents. Parents don't do this to their children.

Anyway, his birthday has now passed, another year over.

I haven't read that book, maybe I can have a read of it.  I'll look it up.  Im actually reading a book about BPD called 'Get me out of here' and it is very interesting.  Reading this book sounds like its all about me!!

[Jacques]

Hi @BlueBay,

I am so happy you have a family of your own and it sounds like you are all very close knit, i am so glad your children support you and help where they can. 

As i have said before i have no contact with my fathers family and very limited contact with my mothers family, i am trying to protect them from my bad mood swings, i thought it better to push them all away than to have them see me in this state, sometimes i miss them, but i knwow why i had to push them away. 

you are right @BlueBay, it is a shame your father could not make up his own mind, i hope in time things will settle and he may reach out in the future, only time will tell. 

good luck on your journey @BlueBay, in time you will have a fantastic support base here. i hope you feel welcome and continue to reach out when yo uneed it 🙂

take care

Jacques